“We’re here.” Cairen’s voice breaks me out of my memory, and we all make our way inside after I park the car.
I scan the leisure centre on the way through for any sign of Cal or his Audi. The boxing club membership we got him is for here. The gym is next door to the ice rink, but I don’t see his car. I knew it was a long shot. What would I even do if I saw him? Probably nothing; especially with the kids here. I can’t get into all that again. Not now Justin is actually trying to be a good man. Although it’s too little too late as I think I just have the ick now. Every time he touches me my body shivers for all the wrong reasons.
Cairen’s face lights up when I pay at the reception for one adult and three kids. The girls lace up and skate off doing their own thing. “Do you want a penguin, Cairen?”
“They’re not penguins, Mum. They’re polar bears.”
“Oh, well, whatever. Grab one.”
“They’re babyish.”
Dammit. I wanted one for myself. I slump over to the rink, knowing there won’t be anyone around tonight to kiss my bruised arse better.
* * *
CAL
After collectingthe girls from Priya’s, I drive us to the gym. They’re enjoying their self-defence classes, and I’ve even got used to the karate kicks the girls keep giving me. I pull up at the lights before I turn into the car park.
“Give it back,” Bethy whines.
“You said I could have it,” Liv says.
“Only to look at, not to keep.” Beth wrestles with her sister over a stupid fidget toy.
“Hey, give it a rest. Nobody is having it if you’re going to row over it.” I snatch the plastic popping thing from them and as I face back out the front window, a silver Suzuki pulls out of the car park. I can’t quite see the driver, but I notice two girls in the back. It couldn’t have been her, could it? Fuck, I’m seeing her everywhere I go. I know it’s just wishful thinking on my part.
A woman passed me in the city, causing me to do a double take, thinking it was her. Another night out with Dean at our old haunt rock club, a woman caught my eye. The back of her long brown curly hair fell just above her perfect full round arse and those voluptuous hips.
I took in a breath, stopped what I was doing and wrapped my arm around her waist from behind, only to find it wasn’t her, it wasn’t my Steph. She didn’t look at me with the same smile that Steph always had for me. Her eyes didn’t sparkle when she looked at my face, and her body didn’t react to mine the way Steph’s always would; leaning in closer, pulse quickening and lips parting with a jagged breath. None of that happened. She pulled away, giving me a wary look, and I apologised before retreating to the bar.
Fuck, I miss her. I looked for that woman after a few drinks, but she left. I don’t know why I looked for her; I knew it wasn’t Steph, but I wanted to take her home and imagine it was her, feel those thick thighs wrapping around my waist, close my eyes and picture my woman. She would never come to the club. Rock music isn’t her thing. She’s more likely to be at the 80s bar down the road.
Bethy screams, snapping me out of my thoughts. I turn around to Liv, pulling on her sister’s hair.
“Will you pack it in?” A car beeps and the lights are on green. “For fuck’s sake. I’ll drop you two back off at your mum’s if you carry on.” I pull into a parking bay. “Are you gonna apologise to your sister?”
Liv pouts, her big brown eyes looking up at me, and I can’t stay mad for long. “Sorry Dad, but she started it.”
“Bethy, say sorry.”
“Sorry.” She sticks her tongue out at Liv, and I chuckle under my breath. There’s no wonder I’m seeing things and losing my mind. Them and Steph. My girls.
“Come on, let’s go.” We walk into the gym, a modern building, fairly new with big glass doors covered in vinyl graphics that we designed at Browns Media. The girls’ skip down a corridor to their class. It’s already full of the other students, and I blow them a kiss.
I walk into the gym, drop my bag in the locker room, and make my way to the punch bags for a warm-up. I have an hour to get some kickboxing in; something I used to do as a kid.
After Dad left, Mum thought it would be good to get all my anger out there instead of beating kids up at school for no reason. I think it worked to a certain extent. Now I just like to kick the shit out of the punchbag. It’s either that or Justin. How I’d love to wipe the smirk off that smug bastard’s face. I can never forget the glare he gave me when I picked Steph up for our London trip. I know it was a warning; the way he kissed her in front of me then walked away with a smile.
Argh. My foot collides with the bag again and again. He better treat her right. Does he deserve her? Do I? Probably not. I know I don’t, but I don’t know how anyone could love her more. The love I have for that woman is like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
I didn’t think it was possible to love anyone more than my girls, but seeing her again and being with her has rekindled those feelings I had years ago. She makes me feel young again.
Fuck. If I was young again, I’d do things differently. The mental image I have of Justin morphs into my younger self. I loath that twat even more, and slam my fist into the padded leather bag, as if trying to knock some sense into my youth. If I wasn’t so fucking selfish back then, I could be with her now. Our kids would be ours, and we’d be happy. I’d be a lot happier than I am now, that’s for sure.
My fist hits the leather again and with each slam, a memory of how I treated her badly pops into my head. That little fucker never knew a good thing when he had it.
I was awful to her. I should have been there for her when she thought she was pregnant. Instead, I avoided her, shouted and treated her like shit. Bang. My hand aches from hitting the bag with all my strength.