CAL
“Is that your old work, Daddy?” Olivia asks as we drive by Browns Media.
“Yeah, that’s the place.” I always drive by here when I collect or drop off the girls. Each time I search the car park for her silver Suzuki, it makes me feel a little closer to her, but I haven’t seen it this week. I’ve been off work for a few days over the Easter school holidays. Spending time with my girls has been a welcome distraction.
I pull up at their mum’s two-bedroom townhouse. Priya is waiting and lights up the window with her beaming smile as she waves at the girls. They’ve been with me for the last week, so I know she’ll have missed them terribly.
“Mummy!” Jumping out of the car, they run towards the house, leaving me to grab their bags. Priya opens the door and bends down to hug them both.
“Have you had fun with Daddy?” she asks.
“Mummy, we went to the seaside.”
“I know you did. Your dad told me you were going for the day. Did you build a sandcastle?”
“It wasn’t beach weather, but we won some toys at the arcade.”
“Not more teddies?”
“Hey.” I walk by Priya and drop the bags in her hall.
“Do you want a cup of tea?” Priya asks.
“No, I’ve some stuff to do. Another time.”
“Sure. Everything all right? You haven’t seemed yourself lately.”
“I’m fine, just work stuff—new job and all that.” I can’t tell Priya about my fuck up with Steph. Although Priya would probably call Steph to discuss how much of a fuck up I am.
“Are they working you hard?”
“Nothing I can’t handle.”
She smiles at me. The girls have disappeared into the house.
“I’m gonna go. I’ll pick them up Monday after work.”
“All right. Girls,” she shouts. “Come and say bye to your dad.”
Olivia and Beth walk back into the hallway. Bethy hugs my waist, and I scoop her up in my arms to give her a big kiss on her cheek.
Olivia leans against the wall. “Bye, Dad.”
“I’m not going without a hug,” I say. She thinks she’s too old for hugs from her dad, but these two will never be too old. I’ll still cuddle them when they’re thirty, forty even; hell, as long as I’m alive.
She reluctantly walks over, but hints at a smile in the corner of her mouth. Bethy’s legs wrap around me as she rests on my hip. Olivia hugs my waist where Bethy’s legs dangle, and I hold them both close before kissing them goodbye on their foreheads. “I love you. See you on Monday.”
“Love you, Daddy,” she says.
I bend down, letting Beth stand on the floor, and wrap both arms around Liv, kissing her forehead. “Love you, Liv.”
“Bye, Dad.”
She lets go of my waist and goes to stand near her mum.
“See ya soon.” I nod at Priya, then head back to the car, rubbing my chest where the emptiness creeps in. I always feel like this when I drop the girls off, knowing I won’t see them now for a few days. Steph was right. I wouldn’t want this for her. It’s hard being away from your kids and even harder being alone.
As I start the engine, I glance at the brown package in the footwell of the passenger seat, where it’s been for about two weeks. Every time I finish work I drive home, contemplating dropping my journal in at Browns Media for her, and I chicken out every time. I know she won’t be there unless she works late. Which is okay, I just want to drop it off for her. As much as I want to see her, I couldn’t take her looking at me like she did that day. Not again. Watching the pink drain from her face and her vibrant eyes turn to a dull shade of sage.