I couldn’t stay here where I could see his house. It was just too close. I dashed to my bedroom and pulled out my suitcase. I needed to be in Northern Virginia to catch a flight to San Francisco. I was going to tell him about that today, then depart the day after tomorrow, but there was nothing stopping me from taking off now…and everything to make me want to leave.
Chapter Forty-One
Killian
Emily didn’t come by that evening or the next day. But then, I expected her to be stubborn. None of the women who’d tried to use me ever apologized. To them, what they’d done wasn’t anything bad—just something they were entitled to in exchange for sleeping with me. Bitterness unfurled in my mouth, leaving a nasty tang. Their actions reduced everything between us to a transaction—intimacy for profit. I might as well have slept with a prostitute.
And I hated that Emily’s behavior had made me feel like that again, when I really, really…
Fuck. I loved her. That was the problem. I thought what we had was real, that we could be happy together…and then this had to happen. Watching the sky turn dark blue in the predawn, I pulled a pillow closer. It smelled like Emily. I missed her now, even after what had happened.
There are literally three billion other women out there, my rational side pointed out. Surely you can find another one good enough to fall in love.
Emily is one in three billion. Should have been nicer to her. Maybe there really was an explanation for the picture. And you know perfectly well that one lousy picture of you couldn’t have been the sole reason she beat her dad in the bet, my heart whispered.
But she really wanted to win that bet. Her mom said so. People will do anything to win.
This is why people don’t fall in love. You use your head too much, rather than listen with your heart.
If people used their head more, they wouldn’t divorce so much, because they wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
I put the pillow over my head, wanting to drown out the pointless argument I was having with myself. My phone buzzed on the table, and I grabbed it, hoping it was Emily calling to apologize. I’d be magnanimous and say it was forgiven because… Shit, the things I felt for her were deeper than anything I’d ever felt for any other woman.
“Hey, maaan…” It was Dev. He sounded drunk.
The letdown was so abrupt that it hurt. “You out partying?” I asked, trying to decide if I wanted to talk to him if he was intoxicated. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but I was out of patience at the moment.
“No. Wass thinkin’.”
God save us all. “About what?” Don’t say an orgy. It was too damn early in the morning to talk orgies with Dev, even if it would provide a much-needed distraction from my shitty situation with Emily.
“Found the bess place for you’n Emily,” Dev said. “Betcha not even Felicia got anythin’ better. You may thank me now.”
The muscles in my jaw tightened. I wished he hadn’t bothered, because now I was going to think about things I couldn’t have. The mornings with her when she grumbled and hugged a pillow and wrinkled her nose, trying not to wake up. Or the days when she pounded away at the keyboard, murmuring to herself and lost in creation. Or the smiles she gave me, her eyes bright and beautiful. Every moment with her had been as precious and perfect as a sunny, breezy summer day with an endless blue sky. “Sorry, man. Don’t need it.”
“Wha—? How come?” His confusion was palpable. Then outrage followed. “Felicia foun’ somethin’ first?”
“Emily and I aren’t moving in together.” Because there was no way we could after that ugly argument. And I said it like I wasn’t affected at all, even though my heart felt like it was full of broken glass.
“What happened? Thought you guys were screwin’ like bunnies ’n’ had mad chemissry. Izzn that why you said no to the girls?”
Sighing, I told him everything. Might as well. I might regret it later, but at this point, nothing really seemed to matter. By the time I finished, he’d sobered up.
“Why does every woman have to be like Caitlyn?” I said.
“It’s easier to change yourself than change the world, bro. World wants to use you, so you use the world back. That’s why I screw everything. It works.”
“I don’t want it to be just sex.” But he probably had a point. Depression started to weigh heavily on me. Was Emily going to do to me what Ashley did to Dev?
“Didn’t look like it was just sex with her to me, either, which is the only reason I told her I was sorry. I had my assistant help me make it up to her by buying a print copy of the book. I’m going to take a selfie and post it. It might help promote the book, although I don’t know how many of our fans read chick books. Emily seems like a nice girl.”
Coming from Dev, that meant she was a saint. The kind of woman you took home to meet your parents. Apprehension ran its chilly fingers down my spine. Had I fucked up?
“I know you’re in denial about this, but fame is part of us now,” he said. “I grew up with it.”
His mom had been a supermodel, and given him his pretty face.
He continued, “It’s like a nuke. With the right handling, it can be used for good, but if you’re stupid about it, boom, we’re all fucked. Look, she might’ve just wanted to let her readers know you guys are together. You don’t want her to hide the fact that she’s with you, do you? Hell, some asshole might hit on her, thinking she’s available.”