I called. It should be open. Today was only Thursday. This Billy person—or his minion—should be able to fix it today. Preferably within the next hour. This was an emergency!
“Billy’s Plumbing and All Things Water,” a bored female said. “How can I help you?”
“My water heater isn’t working anymore.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. What seems to be the problem?”
Could she sound any more uninterested? “Water heaters have only one job.”
“Right. So…”
I sighed, running my hand impatiently over my forehead to get the water off. It ended up covered in white, foamy froth, which I wiped off on the towel. “The water. It’s cold.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.”
You think? Also couldn’t she come up with something better than “Oh, that’s too bad”?
“Where are you?”
“Two fifty-two Oak Street, Kingstree. Can you come now?” I decided to make the direness of the situation crystal clear. “I’m not getting any hot water at all. Nada. Zip. Can’t even shower.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. But it’s going to be two weeks.”
No way I’d heard that right. “How long?”
“Two weeks,” she repeated in a tone a high school senior must use to read Moby-Dick out loud in class.
“Two weeks! Didn’t you hear what I said?”
She didn’t bother to answer my question. She probably hadn’t heard anything. “Billy’s busy, and so is Junior. They’re booked solid.”
“I’ll pay extra.”
“All the after-hour slots are booked, too.”
Fuck this. “Can you tell me if there’s another company I can call?”
“Far as I know, we’re the only one serving Kingstree. You want to set up an appointment?”
Jesus. She was droning like she was fighting to stay awake. Or couldn’t even bother to fake some interest. This was what happened when you let an evil monopoly dominate an entire local area. But I needed them more than they needed me, so I kept that to myself. “Yes!”
“Okay. Thursday the twenty-first good?”
“I guess.”
“You’re all set.”
“Wait, what time are you coming?”
She paused, then sighed. “Whenever Billy gets over to you. Just be home.” She hung up.
“You gotta be shitting me!” I yelled at the phone like she was still on the line. “I’m not doing cold showers for two freakin’ weeks!”
Nor was I going to forgo showering for two weeks. That would be disgusting.
And what was I going to do about my current shower interruptus? I still hadn’t washed my body. And I could feel the suds fizzing in my hair.
There was a simple solution to my problem. If you could borrow sugar from a neighbor—I’d never done that, but it happens all the time on TV shows and in porn—surely you could borrow a little hot water as well. And luckily, my neighbor lived within walking distance.