Chapter Sixteen
Emery
Tiny sparks ignite my body everywhere he touches me. His free hand cups the side of my face, sliding his fingers into my hair, and I nearly melt into a puddle of disbelief and lust with the realisation this is actually happening.
Sebastian tilts my head and deepens the kiss to a point I didn’t know was possible. His tongue moves against mine, demanding but soft, so soft. Hushed whimpers escape our joined lips, but they’re not deep enough to be coming from Sebastian. They’re coming fromme.
Heat rises to my cheeks and tingles sweep up the back of my neck at the awareness. I try to pull back, but he moves closer, pressing the length of his body against mine and any hesitation fades away as quickly as it arose. A fire burns in my heart, igniting the tendrils of my deep-seated obsession until they’re burning so bright I’m not sure anything could suppress the flames. I’ve written about this—imagined it—to the point it felt so real I didn’t know any differently, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.Thiswas real. What was happening right now was real, and I couldn’t get enough of it.
My ankle throbs as my heels hover above the ground, but the pain may as well be in another realm right now. I reach for the arm holding my face exactly where he wants and wrap my hand around it, using it to anchor myself to him so I don’t float away in the dreamland this could only be possible on. His flavour consumes me, and he tastes even better than I imagined, but there’s something else—something stronger—spice with a hint of sweetness.
I try to follow his lead, hoping he feels even the smallest magnitude of what I’m feeling right now.
Does he know what he’s taking?
No, what he’sgiving.
I’ve had so many things taken from me, but this is a gift. A gift I will cherish for the rest of my life, however long it lasts.
Something hard presses into my stomach, and my breath catches as another sound escapes my throat, more raspy than any of the others. Sebastian groans in response, the sound so powerful I feel it vibrate inside me as I swallow it down.
One moment he’s occupying every thought and feeling I have, then he pulls away without warning, and the only thing tethering me to him is the hand I have wrapped around his forearm. The muscles twitch under my palm, but he doesn’t push me away, and I barely manage to keep hold of the camera in my other hand.
Our breaths come hard and fast, mingling in the air between us. His lips are red and swollen—evidence I hadn’t imagined it. My gaze flicks between his lips and the ocean storm permeating his irises.
Does he regret it?
I don’t know what I was thinking when I kissed him the first time. Only that he was standing there, holding me captive with nothing but the energy flowing from him to me as he held my face in his hands. The embarrassment and hurt I’d felt when he didn’t kiss me back still flows under the surface, but it’s obscured by the lust running through every part of me from him slamming his lips tominein a move that was both fierce and irresistible. Somehow, it felt unexpected, yet inevitable, but maybe my mind is clouded with everything I already feel for him.
As I fall out of the daze that had consumed me, the smell of alcohol on his breath hits me. The spice I’d tasted makes sense now, but is that the only reason he did what he did? Before I can think more about it, he inches closer to me, pausing before he makes contact.
“I’m sorry,” he says before sealing his lips against mine once more, hard and swift. His tongue teases the seam of my lips—not seeking entry, but stealing one last taste, and with a final brush of his thumb across my cheek, he’s gone.
My arm slips from his, falling to my side as I watch him walk away from me, and I wish I’d held on tighter.
Sorry for what?
For the kiss?
I bring my fingers to my mouth, my lips still tingling with the feeling of Sebastian’s moving against mine. My head spins, and I reach for the arm of the couch to keep myself from falling and lower myself into the cushions. Does he actually regret it?
My mind drifts back to this morning with my journal, and the veil between realities thins, making me doubt what’s real despite everything I know to be true. When Sebastian first came home, for a moment, I was still there, in that other place in my mind. But the confusion on his face at my reaction to him had snapped me out of it quickly.
I’m still coming down from the aftermath of that entry, and with everything that just happened, my mind is all over the place.
I should never have said anything about my mother, and I certainly shouldn’t have kissed him. But he wasright there. He was holding me, wiping away my tears, and at that moment, he felt likemySebastian. The one who fills the pages of my journal and occupies my nearly every thought. But the man who just destroyed me with one kiss was not a fantasy. He was real, and now my mind feels more frayed than it ever has.
How am I supposed to stay herewith him?
The air around me turns thick, clogging my lungs. I can’t be in here right now. Gathering the blanket off the floor, I make my way to the sliding doors I’d seen earlier.
Something wet nudges my hand, and I look down to Shadow standing by my side. Something so big shouldn’t be able to move around without making a sound. And when it’s dark, he really is a shadow, his sleek black fur blending into his surroundings.
I slide the door to the balcony open and step out into the night, closing it behind me. Shadow whines, the sound muffled by the glass separating us, but I need to be alone. I suck the cold night air into my lungs, and the suffocating feeling starts to dissipate. Tilting my head back to the dark sky, I close my eyes and justbreathe.
I don’t know how long I stand there before my body starts reacting to the cold. Or maybe it had been the whole time, and I’m only now noticing.
The furniture out here follows the same style as inside, simple but luxurious, and I wrap the blanket around my shoulders before going to one of the plush grey chairs. A shiver runs through me as I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, bringing the blanket with me so only my head is exposed. I don’t mind, though—the crisp autumn wind hitting my cheeks is the only thing keeping me grounded.
How could the one thing that kept me from losing myself years ago now make me feel like I’m losing my mind? I didn’t make it through everything to fall apart now, not when I’m so close to freedom.
The sky is dark with only a glimmer of the moon showing. A few stars are scattered here and there, but this close to the city, the lights keep them obscured. I wonder what it would be like to be somewhere away from it all. Away from the noise, from the people,the nightmares.Somewhere I didn’t have to run where I could see the stars in all their bright beauty and imagine what was happening in all the other worlds.
I wouldn’t have Sebastian there, but here, I’m surrounded by lights, and the darkness is winning.
I can’t see the stars here.
Something needs to change. Otherwise, I’m not sure I’m going to make it.