Chapter Nineteen
EMERY
“Did you enjoy it?” Sebastian asks when we’re back in the car.
“It was amazing,” I say, still partly in shock that he set this whole thing up. Not only this butmultiplelessons.
I spend the entire drive home talking about my session with Naomi while Sebastian traces his fingers over my hand. As I tell him everything I learnt tonight, he pays attention to every word. I have no idea if he knows what I’m talking about or anything to do with photography, but the fact that he’s happy just to sit and listen regardless warms my chest.
I’m so distracted, I don’t even realise we’re home and that he’s just let us sit in the car while I ramble on and on.
“Thank you,” I say when I’ve finally finished talking.
“You’re welcome,” he says with a smile, and the warmth in me only spreads deeper until it’s wrapping around my heart.
“Not just for this, but for everything today,” I say, squeezing the hand that had been lightly holding mine. “This has been the best day I can remember having in a long time.” He squeezes my hand back, and I can feel them—the three little words sitting on the tip of my tongue. Except, I don’t let myself say them.
What would happen if I did?
This feels different from how it did before I reallyknewhim. I’d had an idea of who he was when I wrote him in my journal, but that’s all it was. I’d taken one encounter that barely even passed as such and turned him into someone who wasn’t real—an escape. The love I felt before was part of that escape. It might have felt real, but I was in love with a fantasy. And the more time I spend with him, the more I’m starting to understand that.
I attributed him to saving my life, and he did. I would have done it if I’d never seen him that night—gotten stupid ideas about escaping and being rescued. I would have killed myself if only tosavemyself from losing everything that made me,me,and becoming the empty shell I was so afraid of. So broken that I wouldn’t know who I was. But I was finally able to separate the Sebastian from my journal from the Sebastian sitting across from me now.
I’m grateful for my journal and what it did for me, but this was who I wanted. The man with flaws. The man who, despite what he thinks of himself, is caring and kind. Loyal. He isn’t perfect, but I don’t care. I lovethisman. And that is real.
I just don’t know how to tell him.
At this moment, I know I won’t be able to leave him.
“What are you thinking?” Sebastian asks, his eyes roaming over my face.
“That I’m happy,” I say.
Nightmares still plague me every night, and I worry about Mason and my encounter with Vincent, but I can almost forget about everything else at times like this. Only a part of me is terrified that everything could be ripped away at any moment.
“Grace, wake up.”
The soothing touch on my face and the low whine that follows is enough to pull me out of the nightmare I’ve been having for the past week since I gave Mason the answers he was asking for, and I wake with a gasp.
“Shh, I’ve got you,” Sebastian says, pulling me into him, and my body shakes as the tears start falling.
Shadow shifts on my other side, resting his head on my hip, and I reach out a shaky hand to him, grasping his soft black fur.
I can’t keep doing this. I can’t see him die every night.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sebastian asks when my tears have stopped, and my breathing has slowed. He asks sometimes, but I never do.
I don’t know what it is about tonight. Maybe it’s the revelation I had after my photography lesson earlier tonight, but I find the words spilling out of me. “I lied,” I say, my voice still clogged with tears.
“What?” Sebastian stiffens against me.
“When you asked me if I’d ever told anyone before… I lied.” I can’t tell him about Mason, but maybe if I told him about what happened when I was younger, it would somehow help.
“Who did you tell?” he asks, his voice softer.
“My teacher. She was so kind and somehow… s-somehow she knew that something was wrong. I’d only been with him for six months, and he’d told me never to say a word, but she said that it was okay… that nothing bad would happen if I told her. She said I would be safe.” I take a deep breath, but it does nothing to calm me down. “What he did to her, Sebastian,” I whisper, and a pained whine escapes me before a sob breaks free.
Sebastian tightens his hold on me, and I bury my face in his chest, trying to use the strong beat of his heart to keep me from falling apart. He doesn’t rush me, he just keeps holding me, and I tighten my grip on Shadow.