“Did you wait until all the morning jobs were done before returning?” Nan said to me as I crossed the yard behind the barn. She was standing at the pump filling pails with water and I took my frustration out on the closest one, kicking it across the cobbles and spilling the contents everywhere.
“What on earth is wrong with you?” She angrily called after me, but I ignored her and carried on my route, swinging open the barn door and then slamming it behind me.
I hadn’t even reached the ladder when the door swung open again and she stood at the entrance with her hands on her hips. “Do you want to tell me what that was about?” She demanded.
I didn’t want to speak to her. In fact, she was probably the last person I wanted to speak to but she stood firm, her foot tapping on the concrete as she awaited my response. Her face was stern and I saw in her what I used to see in my father when he would give me a dressing down. I’d never noticed how similar they were before and now I was realising it I felt even less inclined to speak to her.
“I don’t know how they do things where you come from, but around here it’s bad form to ignore someone when they speak to you.”
“Fine. I’m sorry I kicked your water over. Now, will you please leave me alone?” I reached for the rungs on the ladder and began to climb but I stopped myself after a few steps and rested my head against the wood. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you, I’m just having a bad day. It’s not your fault.”
“I should say it isn’t,” she replied, remaining firm. She was making it really difficult for me to not get snappy with her again and I took heavy breaths to compose myself. “Well?”
“Well, what?” I asked.
She moved to a bale of hay against the wall and sat down on it, arms folded, and waited. She had no intention of leaving until she got an explanation so I reluctantly stepped down off the ladder and sat across from her.
“I assume you don’t go around kicking things without good reason.”
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell her what happened with Gwyn or explain about the ring but I realised that I needed to get everything off my chest. She wouldn’t have been my first choice of therapist but she was there and seemed willing to listen, so I talked.
“I suppose I’ve just realised today that I can’t have everything that I want.” It was vague but it was at least true. “Have you ever wanted two things at once but ended up left with neither?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I wanted a good position and a steady income, and now I don’t have either of those things.”
I rolled my eyes at her, not able to go over that again, but her face softened and she gave me a small grin so perhaps she was being only partly serious.
“Forgive me, but I must ask. Does this have anything to do with a certain lady friend?” I looked up at her and said nothing. I was curious to hear what her thoughts might be so I allowed her to believe what she wanted to believe. “Has there been a falling out?”
“Let’s say it was about someone else. Just hypothetically. I’m not from here and I never planned to stay for even this long. Certainly not forever. I can’t promise them that I’ll never want to go home but it’s far too early to make a promise to stay, and unless I do, hypothetically, of course, then nothing can happen. So now I’ll never know if it would have developed into something that made me want to stay here for good. Does that make any sense at all?”
I felt like I was rambling but she thought on my words for a few seconds then dropped her hands into her lap, shifted herself upright and looked me dead on.
“If you are unable to provide certainty to a person, should you expect them to wait for you until you make a decision? Should they spend every day wondering if that is the day you decide you’d rather make your life elsewhere? It seems to me, if you’ll allow me to be honest, that you are the one who isn’t being entirely fair in this circumstance. If you are unable to provide a guarantee then it seems the honourable thing to do is to walk away until you can make a decision that you will stick to.”
She was rubbish at this. I didn’t ask for wisdom, I needed her to lie to me. She should have been telling me that I was allowed to take as long as I wanted and that it was ok to be torn and confused. I wanted reassurance and comfort.
I hated that she was right.