I’d never heard him swear before. I’d never heard him say much of anything. Since I’d arrived at the farm he’d avoided me like the plague.
“What would your father say if he heard you speaking like that?”
“I don’t care. I hate him and I hate this house.”
“No you don’t”
He looked up at me for the first time, his face filled with anger and he looked like he’d been crying.
“What do you know? You don’t know anything about me.”
“Well, that’s because you never talk to me. If I didn’t know any better I’d think you didn’t like me.”
“I don’t.”
His frankness made me laugh, which only seemed to make him more annoyed.
“Is it something I’ve done?” I asked.
“You’re not him, you know. You can’t just come in here thinking you can take his place.
“Jack?”
“He should be here, not you.”
“Oh, Teddy,” I said, putting a hand on his shoulder that he shrugged away. “I’m not trying to replace your brother. I’m sorry you feel that way. I bet you miss him, huh?”
“He was supposed to take me with him. He said one day we’d get away from him but he’s left me here on my own.”
“Get away from who? Your father?”
“He hates me. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I’ll never be good enough for him or this stupid farm and he tells me every day.”
“Running away won’t make things better.”
“What do you know? He wouldn’t care if I was gone.”
“You know, Mr Hopkin reminds me of my father. We didn’t live on a farm like this but I still had to do as I was told. I wanted to be a policeman but he insisted I follow in his footsteps instead and work for the family business. He was hard on me. He was even worse to my brother. But he loved us. In his own way, he loved us very much, I’m sure. He just didn’t always have the best way of showing it. He was a lot like your father in that respect. Never really good with words. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t feel it. I think your father would miss you very much if you were gone, just like I know he misses Jack.
“I know it isn’t always easy, but you have to cut him some slack, too. It’s not easy being him either, you know. He has all of you to look after and the farm to run. He has to make sure there’s food on the table and a roof over your head. It’s a lot for one man to deal with on his own. He’s not being hard on you because he doesn’t love you. He’s being hard on you because he needs you to learn. You’ll be the man of this house one day and it’ll be your job to make sure your family is taken care of. He’s not perfect, he’s just scared of it all going away.”
Though I talked of Mr Hopkin it was my own father who filled my thoughts and the more I tried to reason with Teddy the less sure I was about whether it was him I was trying to convince or myself. For the first time, perhaps ever, I felt that maybe I understood my dad a little better. Maybe I even forgave him a little. I’d spent so many nights growing up feeling the same way as Teddy did but looking from the outside in brought a clarity I’d never considered before.
“Aren’t you running away from home?” Teddy asked, interrupting my thoughts. “I know you’re staying here now. I heard you talking to my mother earlier.”
“I don’t have anything to run away from,” I told him. “My father is gone now. We can’t ever make things right. You can, but only if you stay.”
“I just want him to be nice to me,” he admitted. “Jack is gone and Howell is useless and he never treats the girls like he treats me. It’s not fair.”
“Well now that I’m staying a little longer I’ll be able to help out and you’ll have less to do. And maybe if you quit ignoring me we could even be friends.”
“Maybe.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeves and rested his arms on his knees. “I’m sorry I told you to piss off,” he said, finally turning to look at me.
“That’s ok. I won’t tell if you don’t.” I offered my hand and he shook it. His lips ticked upwards, not quite a smile, but it was a start, and then he used my hand to pull himself up to his feet.
“I better go back in, Mr Jacob. Sorry, again.”
“Call me Tom,” I said, getting to my feet. My legs had turned ice cold and my limbs had gone numb, leaving me feeling like I might fall over if I tried to take a step. “Get yourself up to bed and I’ll see you bright and early, yeah?”
“Ok,” he said, turning and heading for the back door.
There had been something cathartic about my chat with the young boy, as though a weight had been lifted, hopefully for both of us. Once I was sure he was safely back inside the house I made my way back to the barn.
“Thank you, Tom,” I heard as I pushed open the barn door.
I turned back to where the whisper had come from and glanced around in the darkness. Leaning out of the pantry window and bathed in moonlight, Mrs Hopkin smiled across the courtyard at me having heard my discussion with her son. I nodded my head in her direction and then disappeared inside the barn, finally exhausted.