Chapter 8
A thousand tangled emotions ripped through Kateri as she stared up at Ren with an understanding that burned her raw. He had been the baby that no one wanted. The baby banned from seeing the only person who'd ever wanted him.
His mother.
She knew from her own experience how much it hurt not to have a mother. How many times in her life she'd ached over the loss. Every time she'd seen a mother with her child, regardless of age, and they embraced, or just laughed together ...
When she'd moved in or out of her college dorms and she'd seen her classmates with their families, their moms with tears in their eyes as they said good-bye and wished them luck with their classes. Graduations, birthdays, proms ...
All family occasions.
And those damn sappy family commercials ...
It always cut her to the bone because it rammed home with brutal clarity what she was missing. What she lacked most in her life. When there was a true mother-child relationship, there was no stronger bond. No greater love or sacrifice. That was what Ren had meant when he spoke of Apollymi destroying everything over the death of her son and why he couldn't comprehend that kind of love. That was how much a child meant to a real mother.
Their child was their world.
And when you didn't have that bond, there was no greater misery. It left a hole in your heart and a never-ending longing that was indescribable because you knew it was out there for others. You saw it constantly. Everywhere. And you wondered why you were exempt from having someone love you like that.
Why were they so lucky and you so cursed?
In her case, she'd at least known her mother for a brief time. She had memories of her mother holding her in her arms and rocking her whenever she felt bad, of her mother wiping away her tears and singing lullabies while her mother placed warm cloths of Vick's VapoRub on her chest whenever she was sick. Of kisses and hugs that came for no reason whatsoever, and with no strings attached. Of placing her own hand inside her mother's and feeling safe and secure in a world that was seldom kind to the innocent.
Most of all, she'd felt loved beyond measure every time her mother had looked at her.
It was also why she hated Mother's Day with a passion that burned like the fire of a thousand suns. Everywhere she looked, for weeks on end, was a vicious reminder that she no longer had a mother to buy a present for. No one to call. A woman to say "thanks for being there, Mom" to. While it was a great thought for those blessed with a mother who loved them and who was still with them, it was a brutal assault on those who'd lost theirs. She could only imagine how much worse it would be for someone like Ren who had no concept of what a real mother could be. Of what it felt like to know there was someone on this earth who would kill or die for you without reservation or hesitation.
And she knew exactly how lucky she was. She'd had two mothers who had loved her and cared for her. Two women who made her feel like she was everything to them.
Her mom and her grammy. Even though they were gone, their love lived inside her and gave her strength and character to this day. And she still wasn't alone. Not really. She had her aunt Starla, who would call and check on her. Make her laugh no matter how bad her day had been. Starla might only be related by marriage, but she'd always treated Kateri like another daughter.
Ren had never had anyone.
Ever.
She sniffed back the tears that threatened to become an all-out crying jag for the real tragedy of his life. "I'm so sorry."
And still he appeared puzzled as he watched her. It was as if compassion and sympathy from someone else were so alien an experience that he couldn't fathom anyone caring about him. "Why?"
"Why?" she repeated incredulously. "Because no child should grow up like you did. No one should ever be abandoned by the people who shouldn't have to be threatened to do right by their own blood. For the fact that you've never met your mother and that stupid demon-bitch abandoned you to a total asshole. I'm sorry for all of that. Most of all, I'm sorry that you think I'm nuts for caring about you. And for your being shocked and baffled that someone else could actually care about and be indignant over what was done to you as a child." She reached up to touch him, but he moved away.
Who could blame him? He didn't know how to bond with anyone. His own brother had killed him.
She winced at a reality so harsh, she wondered how he could be sane. Then again, maybe he wasn't. There were times when she doubted her own sanity. Times when the world kicked her so hard it left a permanent scar on her heart.
A heart that now wanted nothing more than to soothe him. "Has anyone ever just held you?"
He scowled. "What do you mean?"
And even that, he couldn't comprehend. Of course no one had ever held him close.
Held him like he mattered.
"I'm sorry, Ren. It's none of my business, I know. I'm just trying to imagine how hard it had to be on you growing up like you did." She winced as another wave of tears made her eyes water. "Did your father ever learn to love you?"
His features were as empty and blank as his tone. "No. He blamed me for the death of his wife. And he blamed my mother for the destruction of his homeland."
Something she was sure he took out on Ren.
"Why did he blame her for that?"
"He refused to believe that Apollymi came on her own to attack us. In his mind, my mother concocted all of it so she could have him."
How vain could one man be? "What? He thought your mother murdered Apollymi's son and destroyed two continents just to sleep with him?"
"I never said my father was a bright man. Thank the gods I inherited my intelligence from my mother and not him."
With those words, another vision went through her head. She saw Makah'Alay as a boy around the age of ten. He stood in the doorway of a room, staring at a bed that was surrounded by people who had their backs to him. She recognized the priests and medicine men. It was obvious they were there to cure someone, and it couldn't be his father since he stood at the head of the bed, looking down.