8
Kam
She is a bitch.
I don’t even feel right calling her that, but Alana deserves it.
I know she said Ian was the father to get me riled up but knowing that didn’t stop me from feeling the sting of her words. She’s so fucking mean.
I won’t let her get to me, though. I know that the baby is mine. She and Ian may have had one night. I made love to Megan on multiple occasions. There’s nothing to worry about, but I can’t fight the tightness in my chest thinking about even the possibility. I won’t let her get to me. That’s what she wants. And even if it’s the worst-case scenario, I’m going to love this child, but Alana is making it pretty fucking clear she’s going to get in the way of that if it is Ian’s. And who knows how long she’s going to be in Megan’s body. The thought of how long I’m stuck with her makes me nauseous.
I can’t even eat now. I have a snake in the house ready to attack and destroy me. I don’t have any peace with her around; I don’t know how I ever will.
The air around her vibrates with her anger, and I can barely stand to look at her knowing her only motivation is to ruin what Megan and I have. She can try, but she won’t succeed.
Alana doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body like Megan does. She doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s pregnant unless it’s to taunt me. Megan always keeps one hand on her belly, and I’d catch her staring at it lovingly. The thought of her sitting on the couch back home in Chicago eating a rice crispy she had balanced on her stomach flashes in my head, and I smile at the memory of her asking the baby if they liked it. She didn’t know I saw it, but I’m glad I was peeking in on her when I was. I never would have caught that moment. I miss her energy, her softness, her love.
I crave it badly.
It gives me something to hold on to to get me through this. It’s a way for me to remember that the woman in the bedroom at the moment isn’t her, but she’s in there somewhere.
Alana sets all of my nerves on fire, and I’m on high alert. I try to be calm while I’m in her presence, but everything about her makes my thoughts race, and not in a good way. It’s like diffusing a bomb, except all the wires are the same color, and I have hedge clippers.
But I’ll be damned if I let her win. I’m determined to figure this out.
I rub my hands over my face and into my hair, resting on the couch.
It’s clear to me now that Megan can’t control Alana. I hoped that her seeing Helen would be a fix, but she doesn’t have a treatment method to completely get rid of the alters. But that’s what has to happen. Thinking about our life being interrupted whenever Alana or Veronica gets an inkling to show up, makes my chest tighten. I’m doing the most rational thing, trying to create a more stable environment for Megan and our child. Alana might call it kidnapping, but that’s not what I’m doing, and when Megan gets back, I’ll make her realize it’s not. After she hears a first-hand account of how unhinged Alana is, she’ll be grateful I did this for her.
For us.
Now Alana isn’t just a dreaded figure waiting for her turn to take over, she’s real, and she wants to destroy everything. And it may not just be Alana and Veronica that are in there wanting to live two separate lives from Megan. Knowing that Veronica has been around for ten years and just recently decided to pop out for an unwelcome visit makes me dread who else could be hiding out in Megan’s head. Who the fuck knows if Jessica has been in there for eight or if Tabitha came along last week. There could be more in there that have been dormant, just waiting for the right time to come out.
That line of thinking makes my heart sink to my stomach, and I close my eyes at the thought. Megan can’t even wrangle the two she has now. What would a third be like? And more importantly, how would she try to blow mine and Megan’s life apart?
For Megan, I’d deal with whoever showed up just so I could be with her. But that’s not something I want to do. Dealing with them is a last resort if we can’t figure out a way to get rid of them altogether. Helen isn’t the authority on DID.
I snatch my phone off the table and begin another exhaustive search.. I’ve been through these pages before, but each time I hope for something different. I find what I always do, even though I wish for another explanation.
The mind is capable of splitting itself to survive trauma but afterward, pulling itself back together isn’t something that frequently happens. Experts don’t know how the brain is able to create one consciousness and push the others back in the event of trauma. All they know is that it can sometimes develop as a response to trauma when the person can’t handle certain circumstances, so they create a different version of themselves that can. The inner workings of the brain is still something doctors and mental health experts don’t fully understand, which means there is no cure.
Just adaption, compromise. Which isn’t a solution. Maybe for other people with more amicable personalities. With work and time, I could possibly see Megan and Veronica working things out. Veronica is level-headed and didn’t need the spotlight for quite some time, well, until she decided to become infatuated with Blue. Even still, I think she can be controlled but the other one. You can’t compromise with someone who has the emotional stamina of a four-year-old.
Alana hates my guts,and the feelings are extended right back.
“Fuck!” I shout, my aggravation and desperation getting the better of me.
I go to throw my phone at the wall but tighten my grip on it at the last second. I can’t go breaking my things.
Calm down, Kam,I say to myself, trying but failing to ignore my budding anxiety. If I can’t figure out a way to keep Megan stable, I might lose her. I don’t want to give her up.
To anyone.
After hours of searching, I come away with nothing but a headache for an answer I don’t want.
I keep trying to think of a solution. How am I supposed to accept the fact that Megan can disappear and turn into one of the others at any moment? How do we explain this to our kids; that mommy sometimes isn’t herself even if she looks like her?
The thought of Alana being around my children doesn’t just make me nervous it terrifies me. I let out a deep sigh. I know this is what I signed up for, and I’ll go through hell and back if it means I get Megan in the end. I don’t care how long it takes for her to come back. I’ll endure this for her. For us.
Blankly I stare at the ceiling.
I came here to bond with Megan, but it looks like this is the beginning of a different relationship.