CHAPTERTEN

Weak. Knowing what she had to do and doing it were two completely different things. She waivered. She would convince herself she could continue with Gavin. She would talk herself out of it. But in the end, the truth couldn’t be any more apparent.

The more she tried to ignore them, the more obtrusive her insecurities became. Every couple who whispered to one another—they were whispering about Gavin and her. They were ridiculing her for being the naïve girlfriend of a gigolo. Every person who looked up from their phone and saw her—recognized her as Judith Long’s escort’s girlfriend. Even though to her knowledge no images or reports had been released. But she couldn’t escape it. The worry. The dread. The truth.

The truth being that she fell in love with a career lover. Yep. He feigned interest and affection on multiple women. How could she believe he had true feelings for her? How could she trust anything that concerned him? If she were on the outside looking in, she would laugh at herself. She would describe herself as gullible and pathetic.

She not only threw caution to the wind, but she allowed it to whisk her off into a fantasy land where nothing else mattered except the two of them. She became a woman she would never respect. A woman who placed her relationship with a man above all else. Lanie had a son. She had friends. At least she did. One of whom got her in her current messy predicament. But first and foremost, Lanie had Hunter. Her dedication and responsibility to him didn’t end when he left the house for college. The irony of the adage, ‘don’t do something your parents wouldn’t be proud of’ and how it reversed in her life to ‘don’t do something your child wouldn’t be proud of’ became a daily blaring revelation.

There would never be a right time. It would never get easier. So, one morning over coffee, she put on her big girl panties and did it. “I can’t, Gavin. I just can’t. I’m sorry,” she confessed.

He gazed at her over his coffee cup. “I’ve been expecting it. Not that losing you is something I can prepare for.”

“It’s best. I’m miserable. Except for when we are having sex… it’s like I’m living on high alert all the time. I’m teetering on the verge of a massive panic attack. Everything sucks. And I can’t move beyond it,” she explained.

He lowered his coffee cup to the table and gave her a partial smile. “It’s okay. I’ve been selfish. I know how hard you’ve been trying and struggling. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I'm a coward.”

“I thought it was your objective to put my needs and wants above those of yourself. You did in your profession,” she scoffed and closed her eyes hating that she said what popped into her mind. She couldn’t force herself to hate him. And she didn’t wish for him to hate her either. Even if it might make the breakup less painful. But would it?

“Lanie, don’t. Would it have been better if I initiated a breakup?”

“So, you were waiting on me to do it,” she countered. It frustrated her that she couldn’t control her sudden bitchiness.

He glared at her. As if warning her that he seriously struggled to not lose his cool. She’d never seen such a hard look in his eyes or in the tautness of his mouth and features. She shivered and pushed her chair away from the table.

Clenching his hand into a fist, he shook it out and emphasized, “I would never hurt you. But I am fucking angry as hell. At myself. This isn’t what I want. I know… I know it’s my own damn fault.”

True. She loved him. She hated to see him hurting. She hated knowing she caused his pain. “Did either of us really think we would go the long run? Don’t you want a family? I not only can’t give you that, but I don’t want to. I’m too old to start again.”

“I want you. Beyond that… I don’t know. I hadn’t wanted anything in so long. Until you,” he replied. “I never saw myself as committing to one woman. Until you. I haven’t given any thought to children. I’m happy having you. What about your position at Raphael’s? Does that end as well?”

If she had to see him and not be with him, then yes. “I think so. If we don’t sever all ties, it will only be harder,” she croaked. The tears filling her eyes made it impossible to see. She didn’t want this. Couldn’t they work through it?

Of course, they could. But the same obstacles would still exist. She watched him clench and flex his fists. Her fingers ached to reach out and touch him.

“I think you could still consult on the theme events. They certainly won’t be as fun without you, but no need for Raphael’s to lose your creative influence.” He stared at the table before looking up at her and stating, “I’m sorry, Lanie. I love you and always will. If you ever need or want me for anything, I’ll be there.”

She believed her jaw might break. A sob escaped from her lips, and her limbs trembled uncontrollably. Somehow, she managed to say, “I love you.”

He stood and walked to the window. While he had his back to her, she managed to stand and ran from the room. She had to leave. If she didn’t, she would have stayed.

How can it be right for two people who love each other to not be together? She would ask herself and contradict her decision and justify her choice probably for the rest of her life.

* * *

Sixteen days.Or four hundred and one hours, and sixteen minutes Lanie suffered. Her heart hurt unimaginably. Would she ever recover? She grieved the ending of her relationship with Gavin. No matter how many times she defended her decision as the right one it didn’t lessen the pain. He hadn’t died. They still loved each other. But they couldn’t be together. She couldn’t accept his past.

Did her inability to fight for their relationship make her judgmental and intolerant? Yes. Yes, it did. It’s not as if they didn’t have strikes against them going into it. She could deal with the age difference. She couldn’t cope with the fact that he accepted pay for sex and companionship.

She tried. It hurt to be with him. It hurt to be without him. No one should ever worry while with the one they love that people are whispering about them or that one of the women in the room might have been a customer of his. Not just a customer, but someone who knew him intimately. And in their situation, she would never know. She would always be wondering. Because he signed NDA’s and therefore never admitted how many women he serviced. It forced her to rely on her own frail speculations. Any woman, anywhere, might be one.

For all the years she spent not feeling much of anything—she now felt too much. She felt everything. And it shattered her. She preferred things the way they were before Gavin. When she lived in a fog. And the world had dimmed and became void of any luster. Or did she?

She and Beverly mended their friendship. Beverly’s intentions were good. How could anyone know that a casual meeting would progress into a consuming, heart-wrenching association. Beverly came and held her while she sobbed. Tears for her mother. Tears for Gavin. Tears for David. And tears for herself. Beverly encouraged her to talk to a counselor, but Lanie refused. Since her mother’s death four years prior, she avoided confronting her emotions. She never mourned.

Because of Gavin, and because she no longer had him, she now had no choice but to grieve. He revived her. All of her. Her emotions. Her sexuality. Her motivation. Talking to a stranger wouldn’t expedite the grieving process. She could only pray that the agony ended. Had anyone ever died of a broken heart? She believed she might.

The stubborn pounds Lanie always complained about and wished to drop fell. Along with many more. She couldn’t eat. She slept sporadically. She lacked any motivation to do anything. Thank goodness the breakup occurred while Hunter was in Colorado. Certainly, she would bounce back before he returned.

Tags: Sheri Lynn Romance
Source: readsnovelonline.net