Other shit happened between me and Dylan, complicated crap from drug-induced mistakes, but we always come back together.
Now he has Sky.
“How long until…?” he asks.
“She dies? Not long. She’s really sick. Cancer.” My staccato answers to the questions are all I have. I’ve no energy to delve into memories from the day at the hospice.
“When was this, Jem?”
“Four days ago.”
“When did you end things with Ruby?”
“Four days ago.”
Dylan throws his hands up. “So, rather than turn to her for support, you pushed away the person who loves you. What the fuck for?”
“She doesn’t love me! We don’t do love, Dylan. I’m not you.”
Slowly, Dylan shakes his head. “How do you feel right now?”
“We gonna talk about our feelings?” I say with a snort. “Maybe we should hold hands.”
“Fine. Shut me out too. What happened to living your life after rehab, Jem?”
“This is a hiccup. I’ll move on.”
“You don’t see your mum for fourteen years, and then you do and she’s dying? That isn’t a hiccup. You need support.” He sighs. “Come and stay with me and Sky.”
“No bloody way!”
Dylan runs a hand across his mouth. “Okay, I’m staying here. I’ll call Sky and tell her I’ll be away a few days.”
“I don’t want anyone here!” I retort.
“Have you thought about using again?” Dylan asks in a low voice.
“No!” My face betrays me; Dylan knows me too well. “Okay. The urge is harder to control, yeah. Bryn’s right, getting into a relationship was too much.”
“You’re a bloody idiot. Please explain to me why you pushed her away. I don’t give a shit what you say, that girl loves you, and you love her.”
Does she? How would I know? The concept is weird. I have no comparison. Spending a week waking and aching for her isn’t love—that’s dangerous. Ruby consuming my thoughts—how is she? What’s she doing? Unhealthy.
But I miss her with a despair that’s too familiar.
“She’d only hurt me,” I say eventually.
“So you decided to pre-empt her by hurting both of you? Smart move.”
“I’ll get over this.”
“Will you? ‘Cause I don’t think there’re any other Rubys out there. I see her and it’s like rewinding and watching a female version of you, Jem. That’s how close she is. And you saw that too—I know you did.”
Dylan’s right. Of course, he’s fucking right. I pushed Ruby away because I worried she’d push me away, that the fall-out would send me spiralling back into addiction. I didn’t take into account that I’d be unable to switch off how I feel about Ruby, unaware how deep in my heart she’d settled. Guilt about affecting somebody else’s feelings is new—guilt that my stubborn stupidity blew apart the one thing holding me together. Us. We opened up, cared, saw each other’s truths and the broken pieces fell into place. But I threw the fragile relationship as hard as I could away from me and shattered everything—me, Ruby, the new place of peace we’d created.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve never wanted to fix anything before. However hard I try, Ruby is someone I can never obliterate, but if she has any sense, she’ll already have blanked Jem Jones from her heart and mind.