No way.“Rescue me? What the hell are you? A super hero?”
“I mean fix you, make things better.”
I stand. “You think I need fixing? Rescuing? That is so insulting! That’s what you see when you look at me? A weak girl who needs protecting from the world?”
“No… Yes. Shit.” Jem looks past me, chewing on his mouth.
“Is this why you hold back from me? You think I’m weak, like Dan thought I was weak? I’m stronger than you fucking think!”
His refusal to react after I laid myself bare to him does more than irritate me. All I’ve done is give him more ammunition to prove I’m like his ex.
I lean toward him, face close to his. “I’m not Liv! How can I be her? What was she doing with her life? Getting stoned with you. What else was she doing with her life, Jem? How was she changing?”
“She wasn’t. She was stuck. I was helping—”
“Everything I’ve achieved in the last few months began before I met you. I started on a path away from Dan and you’ve helped me by helping the band. But you’re not saving me. I don’t want saving. I could’ve done all this whether you were here or not!”
Mind blown, I can’t think straight. I need out. Away from him.
“I think I should leave if that’s how you feel. I doubt the police will bother you and the media will back off when they hear. Call Jax later about the band.” I march to the door and yank it open.
“Ruby. Stop.”
“I’ll pack now. See you in the studio in a couple of days, once the swelling goes down.”
“Wait. Please.” Jem steps by, between me and the open door, and holds his hands up as he faces me. “I won’t stop you physically—you know that. I’m asking you to stay.”
“What? So you can look after me?”
“No!” He places a hand on my uninjured cheek. “Because I want you here. The house feels weird since I got back from the States. Empty.”
“Heard this before, Jem. This time you don’t get the kiss.” I twist my head so he’s no longer touching my cheek. “You’re screwing around with my feelings. I have enough shit to deal with; I don’t have time for yours.”
He closes the door and rests against it, looking straight into my eyes, something he normally avoids. “I dream about Liv.”
“That’s supposed to endear me to you, is it?”
Jem continues to hold my gaze and I can’t look away. This is the other Jem; the one I’m beginning to suspect only I see. “I have nightmares; the scene is on repeat in my head. Trying to wake Liv and the gut-wrenching realisation, she was dead. It consumes me, Ruby. She’s with me all the time. Everything reminds me of her, that’s why you do too!”
“I’m not her!” I say through clenched teeth.
“Can you begin to understand what her dying did to me?” he shouts, and then lowers his voice as I stumble back. “Everyone thought Jem Jones didn’t give a fuck, but I was terrified. Guilty. They cleared my name, but I did it, Ruby. We fought and I hurt her—said some mean shit—and she took the drugs. Her death wasn’t an accident.”
“How could you know that? They said a straightforward accidental drug overdose. Nothing else was found to indicate differently.”
“She left a note blaming me. Nobody else knows. I took the letter and destroyed it before anyone else could see, but I’ll never forget the words on the page.”
“That doesn’t make her death your fault. She was on the edge before you met her.” Jem is pale and I take his shaking hand. “Jem, why have you never told anyone?”
“How can I? I won’t be judged anymore!”
“Look at the mess you’re in over the situation. The guilt is eating you. People who know you and care won’t judge you. What the hell does it matter what strangers think?”
Like the rest of the world, I thought I knew Jem Jones. Then I met Jem and saw who he is, parts of him I doubt anybody else does. Yet, there’s more buried beneath the broken pieces that nobody sees, not even me. His eyes are vacant and Jem’s somewhere else, the space he shouldn’t go to. I place a hand on his cheek and he blinks back to me.
“You’re not responsible for another person’s mental health. You weren’t responsible for her death.”
“If I’d not stayed away drinking. Got to the hotel room sooner…”