23
Ruby
The tripfrom Oxford to London the next morning is short but the journey drags. The toll of the last couple of weeks on the band shows. When we left to go on tour, the atmosphere was jovial and full of apprehension. That’s replaced by exhaustion on all sides, which emerges as irritability. An exhausted, irritable Ruby makes the usual Ruby appear laid-back in comparison.
One thing’s for sure, I need to leave Jem’s and move on with my life. The two weeks I spent living with him were the safest I’ve felt in years, but incidents like last night show how us spend time together is wrong. If we’re on the edge of an invisible line separating us physically, running away from the situation is the best option. What a glorious fuck-up screwing Jem Jones would be.
I ask Jax to help out and he agrees; I’m uncomfortable with Jax sounding relieved considering his drunk words about hidden feelings. Will and Nate give the okay for me to stay with them for a while. I don’t say how long but the impression I get is they want it short; we’ve already lived on top of each other for a few weeks. There’s muttering about where I’ll store my stuff in their small house, considering my room will be the sofa in the lounge. I don’t have many possessions anyway. Dan owned most of my things, the way he owned me.
Jem isn’t home when I arrive at his house the next day so with relief I bundle what I left at his place into bags. The quicker I do this, the better.
I’m scouting around Jem’s lounge room for anything I might have left lying around when I hear the front door close. My insides turn in on themselves as Jem’s heavy footsteps ascend the stairs and I attempt to judge his mood from the pace.
Jem pauses when he sees me, frowning at my rucksack. My heart turns rapid fire, memories of how close we got last night flaring into my cheeks as I’m caught in the attraction I have to this hot as hell guy from my fantasies.
“You’re leaving then.” He indicates my bag.
“Yeah. Thought that’s best.”
“Yeah, probably a good thing.” He plays with his keys, avoiding my eyes. So much for the ‘things to talk about’.
“I can’t fit everything in my car though, is it okay if I come back later?”
“Leave things here as long as you like.” He lifts his eyes to meet mine. “Going to stay with Jax?”
“That’s a loaded question if ever I heard one.”
Jem scowls. “I’m not arguing with you, Ruby. I’m too old for little girl games.”
Before I get a chance to retort he walks by into the kitchen.
I debate following Jem and giving him a mouthful for patronising me—to point out he’s behaving like a big kid too. We’re not exactly mature about this, are we? Placing his house keys on the coffee table nearby, I leave the house.
* * *
Jax doesn’t mentionour conversation outside the hotel room. Hopefully, he was too high at the time to remember his words, but I’m on edge around him now. I replay any physical contact we’ve had, looking for signs that Jax saw our relationship as more than musical. How Jax ever thought he’d add me to his list of conquests, I have no idea.
I won’t get undressed in front of him again.
Life returns to normal after the tour, or as normal as my life ever gets. We take a break from official rehearsals but often evenings at home turn into a few drinks and a fair bit of music. The four of us discuss what’s coming next; planning our future.
I don’t see or speak to Jem. Tour over; he backs off for a while. Jem’s away, we’re not sure where. The States I think. We have our studio time booked for when he returns. Whatever stress Jem entering my life gave me, the fact Ruby Riot are on the path to becoming a success makes everything worthwhile.
But Jem consumes my thoughts. As a housemate, he was weird, and I kick myself that the easiness we had together was ruined by the step into something more, the night at the hotel. I question my sanity – at pining for an ex-drug addict, the unstable Jem Jones from Blue Phoenix. Yeah, he’s just what I don’t need. The ‘no relationships’ rule I have with the band should more than obviously apply to our pseudo-manager. Besides, I need to spend time outside of a relationship before I dive into another, and stop attaching myself to men who claim to want to help me.
Yet I continue to miss him. Jem understood and didn’t judge, and he looked at me in a way that saw beyond Ruby. And for the first time, I didn’t care. Someone offered support and wanted nothing in return, an unusual situation in my life. I hope in a small way I returned that.
Dan.
Since the text that freaked me out before the tour, he’s remained silent. On tour, the nightmare was distant but back in my normal life I’m on edge again. Maybe Dan is with one of the girls he told me he fucked. The thought turns my stomach, not because he had sex with other girls, but the possibility he might not have used condoms. I get tested and thankfully, I’m clean. That would be one last kick in the guts if he’d given me an STD.
After a week of sleeping on the sofa at the boys’ house, I up my attempts at finding a new place to live. Sharing with three guys is okay but none of them has any clue about hygiene, let alone tidiness—and I’m used to living with clean freak Dan.
Living and breathing Ruby Riot is okay, living and breathing Jax, Will, and Nate, not so much. A room comes up in one of Will’s friend’s house. My tin of savings covers a deposit and I gladly move out.
A week after I take the room, life settles. I share with two uni students, Alison and Kate. They’re nice enough, but we have nothing in common. I don’t do small talk so I’m not sure living here will work out long term. I mostly keep to myself and fit into their house routine so at least the atmosphere is calm. The one problem is Kate is a serious student who studies more than she parties. She has a ‘curfew’ of no noise after 11 p.m. and she isn’t a fan of my guitar playing. So inevitably, I end up spending time with the boys anyway.
Ruby Riot’s studio time is booked for next week and I’ve swapped as many shifts at the café as I can to early mornings and late evenings, freeing up my afternoons. Ben isn’t happy with my unreliability—two weeks away touring, and now this less than a month later and I’m concerned I’ll lose my job. I have a little left over from my Escape Fund but not much. I don’t care if I lose my job. I’ll find something else. This is my big chance – our big chance – if Jem Jones has faith in us, I should too.