“S’okay, enjoying your new student life?”
“Yeah, but I worry about you.”
Big brother sixth sense? No, I’m not. I never am when you’re not here.
Things are only calm when Quinn’s in the house. He’s bigger than my uncle and would hurt him, hopefully as much as my uncle hurts me. Now Quinn has gone.
“I’m okay.”
Say nothing.
I inhale the smoke and hold it in my lungs, closing my eyes as I calm myself. Lost in thoughts of Quinn, and how unfair he’s not here anymore, I’m unaware of someone else close by until I open them. Jem rests against the wall opposite, the orange glow of a lit cigarette in his hand as he regards me. Did he see what happened with Dan again?
“Shit! You scared me.” Is that really, why my heart rate has picked up again? Alone with Jem in the dark, close to the man who’s creeping into my dreams, and my stupid body reacts. The tension of my encounter with Dan is replaced by desire for Jem’s attention.
Stupid body, stupid girl. Screwing Jem would be a mistake for a million different reasons, and I’m beginning to get the impression that’s what he wants. Yet at the same time, I’m unsure. The way he usually looks at me isn’t desire, if anything he’s attempting to avoid looking at me much of the time. There’s something happening between us but I can’t figure out what.
“You’re on in ten,” he says.
“Yeah, doesn’t take me that long to smoke.” I throw my half-finished cigarette to the ground and step on it, preparing to leave. “Done now. See?”
“How much do you want this, Ruby?” he asks quietly. “The band, the music. Success.”
I hesitate. “A lot.”
He makes a soft sound in his throat. “That’s not enough. You have toneedthis. Music has to be a part of you, something essential every day to survive. Something you’d give everything for.” He pauses. “Change everything for.”
“Music is. I do.”
“But will you walk away from what you need to?”
Jem did this before, attempted to talk to me about my screwed up situation but there’s no point. How would Jem understand how complicated my life is? Like most people, he’ll think I should walk away from the situation with Dan and look down on me because I don’t.
Why can’t people understand it’s not fucking easy to leave?
I fold my bare arms across my chest, skin goose bumping in the evening breeze. “Didyouwalk away?”
Jem steps from the shadows, closer to me than he’s been since we had a similar conversation in Cardiff. “I’m not talking about me. I’m asking you.”
“Music is the only thing that keeps me going day to day,” I tell him. This is one thing Jem will understand. This is why he’s here. Music is his life and saved him at his darkest times too.
“You need more than music to keep you happy or you’ll burn out.”
He’s further into my personal space than anyone gets apart from Dan and occasionally Jax and Ifeelhim. The energy from Jem reaches between us, surrounding us. I shuffle away. “Very philosophical.”
“You think I’m philosophical?” He snorts. “It’s true, believe me.” He moves closer again. “I’m not interfering in your personal life, that’s your call. But if Dan has to follow you to weekend gigs, what’ll he do if we go on a longer tour?”
“On tour?” I straighten.
Jem takes a drag from his cigarette and pauses before exhaling the smoke. “Not a done deal unless the whole band agrees, but something I’m willing to help with.”
“Why?”
“Because I can remember being you,” Jem says quietly. “I remember being consumed by the music, by the belief Blue Phoenix were fucking good. All I wanted was a chance to prove that to the world but nobody would help. I want to help you guys do that.”
“Why though? Why us?”
“I just said, you remind me of Phoenix.” He throws his half-smoked cigarette to the ground. “You also know what’s happened in my life recently. I need a distraction. A project. Music allows me to cope—and if I can’t do that with Phoenix, I’ll do this through another band. Preferably yours.”