Damien
Oh fuck. There she goes asking that dreaded question. Why do women insist on asking that fucking question? Why can’t they just let shit be? I mean, she does have a point, I suppose, she doesn’t know anything about me, and it is only natural for her to be curious about the man she’s sharing a bed and her life with. What the fuck do I tell her?
“Ezra, you already know I have a very dark past. I’m not particularly eager to talk about it. I’d much rather leave that shit locked away in my head where it belongs.” I tell her, and her quizzical blue eyes got all wide.
“Oh.” She whispers, deflated, dropping her gaze with a meek nod. “I just thought you might have wanted to…never mind.” She sighs and pulls away, rolling onto her back. She looks heavenward, staring up at the ceiling. I curse inwardly and sigh.
“My parents were killed when I was ten years old. My father got mixed up with some bad shit, working for a drug cartel, and he was caught stealing money from them, so they killed him along with my mother before they took my baby sister. I watched them get their heads blown off.” I explain grimly, harking back to that dreaded day. “My mother told me to hide and not come out no matter what I hear or see.” Ezra places her hand on my chest, her ocean blue eyes gleaming with unshed tears.
“Oh, Damien. I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how terrified you must have felt watching your parents be killed right in front of you.” I can only nod in response while I recollect my thoughts.
“I can’t get it out of my head. It still haunts me to this very day,” I admit recalling the painful memories of seeing my mother dead on the floor in our living room. “I had no other family that I knew of that could take care of me, so I was placed in foster care, went from home-to-home family to family till I was sixteen years old. One of my foster parents, Jack was a real sick fuck, how he got approved for foster care …I’ll never know. He would beat the shit out of me on the regular.” I clench my fists. “When I was thirteen he…he forced me into doing some dark shit, things I’ve never been able to forgive myself for.”
Ezra listens intently, her fingers brushing along my arm soothingly. “Damien, whatever he made you do wasn’t your fault, you were just a kid.”
“Doesn’t haunt me any less Ezra. He used to make me watch while he forced himself on all these girls. And one night he made me…” Ezra’s gasp of horror when realization of what I had done hits her shatters my very soul. “That’s how I lost my virginity. After that night I ran away as far as possible until I got placed in another home.’
“I was out of control after that. I’d get into a lot of trouble, fighting, stealing, and drugs, so my foster father at the time had enough made a call, and the next thing I know, I was picked up by the agency. That’s where I became an assassin.” I say, picking up Ezra’s hand resting on my chest and playing with her slender fingers. “I trained hard, gave my everything with only one purpose in mind. Find the bastards that ripped apart my family and avenge their death.”
“And did you?”
“I found the men that pulled the trigger and killed them both…quite recently. But that’s enough to put out that fire burning in my gut, so I dug deeper and found out who put the mark on my parents, and he’s next on my list. I won’t stop until he has nothing left, and then I’ll look him in the eyes and blow his fucking head off.”
Ezra winces, “Damien, killing him won’t bring your parents back, nor will it erase the memories of what happened or what you’ve suffered. I understand why you would want to make him pay for what he did to you and your family, but that fire inside of you will never go out, not really. When we lose the people that we love, it stays with us forever, it may ease with time, but it will always be there no matter what.” I look up at her and frown.
“I can live with the pain of losing them. What I can’t live with is knowing that son of a bitch is walking this earth like nothing happened, hurting people, like he didn’t wreck my fucking life. He’s the reason I am the way I am, Ezra. Why I don’t let people close to me. Why I’m alone all the fucking time. I’m apprehensive of letting myself feel anything ever because everyone I love, I lose.” Ezra places her hand on my jaw and gazes into my eyes.
“It’s okay to be scared, Damien. Allowing yourself to feel doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. You’re not a bad person. I knew that you had a good heart from the moment I met you despite everything you’ve been through. You’re not the monster you make yourself out to be. It’s okay to feel love and sadness and guilt. If you ever want to heal, you need to let go of the past, think about what your parents would want you to do.” I shake my head and bite back the anger slowly creeping up to the surface.
“I can’t. I can’t think about that, Ezra.”
“Yes, you can.” I feel that hot rage shoot through me. I sit up, grab her by the throat, slamming her down on the bed, and straddle her.
“I can’t!” I hiss, leaning down close to her face. “I am a monster, Ezra. You’d be foolish to think otherwise. I have a fuckload of issues. I assassinate people for a fucking living; Look at me! Take a long hard look because this is me. I’m a bastard with no emotions or regard for anyone, and that’s not going to fucking change.” I tighten my grip around her throat, and she gasps, curling her fingers around my wrist.
“That’s not true. Stop this...” She squeaks, looking up at me, tears streaming down the side of her face. “You can’t scare me off, Damien.”
I narrow my eyes, “Oh, no? Why is that?”
“Because I love you.” She whispers, and I freeze, staring down at her, loosening my fingers around her throat, and she sucks in a deep breath. She gazes up at me, watching and waiting for a reaction from me.
I shake my head, my heart beating like crazy in my ears. “No. You don’t. Don’t you fucking say that to me.”
“Damien,” She pants. “I do. I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you.” She admits looking up at me. “With all your flaws, all your scars…” She reaches up and touches my jaw. “I love you.”
“Ezra, stop it,” I hiss lowly, pulling her hand away from my face. She leans up on her elbows and licks her lips. I watch her. “You can’t love me.”
She blinks. “Well, it’s too bad because I do.”
“You shouldn’t, Ezra. There’s nothing to love…I’m unlovable,” I state earnestly, forcing down the lump in my throat. “I don’t know how to be loved or if I'm even capable of loving anyone ever,” I admit quietly, pulling my gaze from her penetrating one. The love in her eyes stole the very breath right out of my lungs. “I don’t deserve your love,” I whisper.
Ezra bites into her bottom lip, “Damien. Let me show you.” I clench my jaw tight and close my eyes. I was fucking dreading this moment. “Let me love you, Damien.” I sigh when I feel her soft lips on my chest, kissing up to my throat. My anger from before simmers away, and I tilt my head back, giving her more room to kiss and suck my neck in that mind-blowing way that she does that gets me worked up in seconds.
I couldn’t help it; I should have stopped it, I know, I should have, but something inside me surrendered. I wanted her more than ever, and not in the rough I’m going to fuck the ever-living crap out of her kind of way. I wanted to lose myself in her, in her love, just for a little bit. And I did. It started with a slow sensual kiss, and it didn’t stop.
We made love for fucking hours—painstaking, spine-tingling love, and it felt so damn good just to let go of everything and be there with her at that moment. You see it in those cheesy chick flick movies and think it’s never really like that, but fuck, it really was. It felt like time had stopped, and nothing else mattered but the two of us.
Moving together unhurriedly, eyes locked like you’re staring into each other’s souls, every kiss deliberate and so gratifying you don’t ever want to stop. I made her come over and over, watching her beautiful face light up like a fucking angel.