Mostly, she was angry. That no matter how she put this armor on, no matter how she worked to ready herself for this, no matter that it was her plan, she still felt...
She still felt like a woman who had been imprisoned for the better part of a decade. A woman who didn’t actually know enough about life to understand what she was feeling. And now she had announced her engagement to this man. Announced her intent to make him King.
There was nothing real here, no feeling. No love.
She was always an emblem, never a human.
Even in this. In her impending marriage.
She had not given thought to marriage, and then it had seemed as if a marriage to him would be a solution and not a lance of pain in her chest. Not a further bit of recognition that she was only now, and would always be, sad little Annick whose trappings mattered, never her heart.
She would have to make a speech. She was being propelled up to the podium. It was what she had known would happen. She had words prepared, but suddenly she wasn’t sure if they would come out right.
“Good evening,” she said. “I thank you all for taking the time to come here for my coronation. It is officially a new day for our country. For too long we were kept under the rule of an oppressive regime. And many of you felt as if I may have played a part in it. But over the last year, I hope that what I have done is earn your trust. And now, as I prepare to ascend the throne as Queen, I offer you this assurance. That I have chosen a King, who will rule as Kings have done here for centuries. Maximus King is just the sort of modern man you can trust as your ruler. He will be fair. I will carry out the legacy of my family, not ruling in the same way as my father, but hopefully realizing the progress that would have been made had things gone as they should have. And I will have Maximus, and his influence and strength to guide Aillette. He will bring with him the modern sensibility that many of you would like to see enacted here. While providing the traditionalists with the figurehead they wish to see. He will also bring business acumen. And we have been in discussions for how to increase industry here and strengthen the reserves of this country, and the riches of its people. It is a new dawn for us. A new day. And I am happy to ascend the throne as Queen Annick, with King Maximus by my side.”
She nodded, and the room erupted into applause. Maximus stood beside her, tall and strong, and saying nothing. And for once, it felt like her plan had worked.
It was just that inside she still felt a little bit broken. A little bit lost. Uncertain about what to do. But he was there, and he was steady. And nothing about him seemed uncertain at all. And so there was that. There was that. Which was a great blessing.
She didn’t understand herself. That she was irritated that he provided her with the strength that she had wanted him to provide her with. That the people had reacted to him with such great satisfaction. Which proved that he was what she needed all along. But she’d known that. Why should she be upset about it?
Because somewhere deep down she had hoped she would be enough, she supposed.
Because what she had begun to tell him days ago was that part of her had hoped that she could overcome her people’s doubts by being a woman who led with her heart. Who found a level of honesty with her people that those before her had not.
Because she wanted to be different, and she realized that, given the circumstances, she had to be the same.
That she could find a balance, find some progress, but she wouldn’t be able to be fully her own person, not really.
Because things were too tentative. And it was more important she looked solid than that she be loved.
And it was the source of her dissatisfaction now.
Ridiculous.
But then, she felt slightly ridiculous.
To care so deeply about this now, when she’d been handed what she needed to be protected. When he was living no more authentically than she.
He was helping her. Shouldn’t that be enough?
“Shall we dance?”
And she didn’t have a chance to respond. And truly, there was no response to make other than yes. For he was now her fiancé in public, even if he was still her adversary in private.
And there was nothing she could do about it. It was a scheme of her own making, a plan she had seen as a necessity.
You have to see it through. Your feelings don’t matter.
Her feelings never mattered.
There was no use becoming morose about it now.
He took her in his arms, and she found herself returning to that floating sensation. That strange place where she was caught between memory, dreams and reality. Suspended between all three.
And held fast only by him.
She felt unbearably fragile in that moment when she should’ve felt strong.
She was doing it. Her plan was working. And yet she felt reduced.
Yet she felt...
And she could see it, hear an old song rising up inside of her. One that she tried not to remember.
Her father’s soft voice singing as he danced her around the ballroom.
When the memories started, she could not stop them. No matter how hard she tried.