Liberty
"I think I messed up."
"By taking the job? You can always tell him to suck an egg and come back here. I miss you. Dominic won't let me do anything fun," Summer says.
"Not by taking the job." I drop my head back against my desk chair and stare up at the ceiling. The spackling directly overhead looks like a duck. It's almost noon, but I haven't seen Killian. He's been running all over the place, putting out proverbial fires. He's texted me a few times. I think he's mad at me though. "I like Killian."
"And he turned out to be a jerk?" Summer asks, a little thread of iron in her voice. "I can send Dominic to kick his ass. What did he do? Maybe I'll kick his ass myself."
"He didn't do anything." I huff out a breath. "He's done everything right."
"Oh." Summer pauses. "So…what's the problem?"
"I slept with him."
"What? Seriously? Holy crap."
"Yeah," I whisper. "I'm in love with him."
"Well, obviously," she says with a little laugh. "You wouldn't have slept with him if you weren't. Was it good? What am I saying? Of course it was. I refuse to believe a man like him is bad at sex."
"He's definitely not bad at it," I mutter, my cheeks heating. If anything, he might be too good at it because I want to do it over and over with him. The way I felt with him inside me was indescribable. I've never felt as close to anyone as I did with him last night. Even afterward, when he took care of me, I felt cherished, adored. I never want that feeling to end. But I think I messed it up this morning. "He told me he loved me."
"Aww, of course he does! You're incredible and you're gorgeous. He would be an idiot if he didn't love you. Everyone does."
I snort.
"I'm serious, Liberty," she says. "You don't see it because being alone is all you know, but everyone loves you. Dominic didn't hire you just because you're smart. He hired you because he knew you needed a safe place to land and a family. There isn't a single person here who wouldn't miss you if you left."
"I didn't know that," I admit.
"I know," Summer says. "You're not very good at letting yourself be loved."
She's right. I've always been too afraid to get too close, scared I'd get attached and then be left alone again. It's the life I know. I moved from foster home to foster home, never staying for long. I got attached to some of the families at first, but they never kept me. Eventually, I stopped trying to become part of the family, to get close. It was easier that way.
When I finally got accepted to the boarding school, it was a relief because I had a sense of permanence. I kept to myself though. Just in case my caseworker decided to pull me out and move me. I worked hard to maintain good grades so she wouldn't have a reason to move me.
Until Summer started working for Dom, I did the same thing there…threw myself into the work. I tell myself that's because I didn't want to get fired, but I think Summer is right. I did it because I'm not good at letting myself be loved, at letting people in.
I hide because it's easier. But I don't want to do that this time. I'm so in love with Killian. I knew it before he ever told me he felt the same. But I didn't say it back. I was too scared to do it, to let myself be that vulnerable with him.
"He wants me to move in with him."
"Wow."
"I want to do it," I whisper, swallowing. "But I didn't tell him that. I panicked." I feel so bad about what I said to him. I know I hurt his feelings, even if he never admits it. I wanted to say yes, tell him that I love him too. Instead, I freaked out, accused him of bulldozing his way into my life.
I love that he takes charge and doesn't let me hide from him. I love that he's constantly in my space and how confidently he makes decisions. I didn't say any of that though. I should have. Because now he thinks I want space, and that's the exact opposite of what I want.
"You're afraid," Summer guesses, her voice soft.
"So afraid," I admit, tears burning at the backs of my eyes. "I've never met anyone like him before. I don't want to move too fast and ruin this. But I don't want to move slow either. I don't want him to regret falling for me."
"Liberty," Summer whispers.
"It sounds stupid out loud."
"It doesn't. Do you remember when I was going to quit?"
"Yes." How can I forget it? She was miserable, thinking Dom didn't love her.
"I was afraid to tell Dominic how I felt, afraid that I'd ruin things if I did. I decided that I'd rather leave than have him find out that I was crazy about him. I was wrong then," she admits. "I think you're wrong now. You're so worried that he'll regret falling for you that you're pushing him away. You're making your own regrets, trying to save him from those you think he might have."
"I'm…" I swallow the instinctive denial because she's right. That is what I'm doing. I told him that he can't make decisions for me, but I'm trying to do the same thing for him. Worse, I'm treating him like he doesn't know his own mind, when he's made it clear over and over that he does. That he wants me. That he loves me. I'm putting my insecurities on his shoulders, when it's my hang-ups that are the problem.
And he's been so patient, so understanding. He knows I'm scared, and he doesn't get mad at me for it. He just reminds me that he's here and that everything will be fine.
God, I'm so blind.
He's been nothing short of incredible to me, and I pushed him away.
Which means it's on me to fix it.