The car rideto the IVI compound is tense and silent. Judge stares out his window, and I stare out mine. I wish I could say the mood improves when we arrive and I see beautiful little Elena in her christening gown, but it doesn’t.
Judge allows me exactly one minute to say hello before pulling me back to stand away from the rest of the gathered crowd. We watch the baptism from a distance, and sadness washes over me as I realize how far away my family feels.
I should be Elena’s godmother, but I’m not. Santiago won’t grant that to me. It only makes me realize that even though he said we’re going to put the past behind us, things will never be the same. I’ll never feel like a part of this.
I think the best thing I can do for everyone is leave. Maybe that would make them all happier. Maybe there’s a scrap of happiness somewhere out there for me too, but I doubt it. I’m stuck in my feelings when the ceremony ends, and there’s a small opening for me to see Elena one last time. I know we aren’t staying for the celebration after, and that sucks, but I can tell it’s because Judge doesn’t want anyone to see what’s beneath my dress. He’s been on edge the entire time we’ve been here, his eyes scanning the crowd as if someone’s going to notice it at any second. If I don’t get out of his hold soon, I know he won’t let me go anywhere for fear of someone finding out.
Setting those thoughts aside, I join Santiago and Ivy briefly to offer them my gift, and then I stroke Elena’s soft little cheek. It’s all I have time for before Judge drags me back out into the courtyard and then back to the prison of his house.
Darkness settles over me, and I curl into myself for the duration of the ride. When we arrive, I don’t bother to say anything else to Judge. I don’t even look at him as I walk to my room, strip off my clothes, get into the shower, and cry.