– Sonnet 30
‘What did you say?’ His mom leaned forward, her mouth pinched tightly together. She was so much better than the last time he’d seen her, her breathing regular thanks to the tubes in her nose. She was on the ball, too, her eyes glistening as she waited for his answer. So much healthier now she was back in her care home.
‘I said Duncan and I have come to an agreement.’
‘Did you lose the case?’ She frowned, shaking her head. ‘We should appeal. Was it that solicitor you had? Maybe you should get a different one.’
He swallowed away the taste of Lucy’s memory. ‘It wasn’t the solicitor’s fault. The case didn’t even make it to court. Duncan and I have been talking.’
She winced at the mention of his half-brother’s name. ‘You have? Why?’ She looked confused. ‘I thought you were going to fight and win.’
‘Just because I didn’t fight, doesn’t mean I lost,’ Lachlan pointed out. ‘I’m more than happy with the agreement we came to.’
She was silent for a moment, taking in his words. It was impossible not to see the expression of disappointment on her face. ‘But you wanted your father’s inheritance. We talked about this the last time you were here. You were going to show them all exactly who you were. That you were the rightful heir to everything they wanted.’
‘I realised something along the way,’ he told her, his voice soft. ‘A prize is only worth fighting for if you want it. I’ve never really wanted anything my father had. All I wanted was his love, and that was something I could never get.’ And all the titles in the world weren’t going to get him what he never had.
‘But it will make you legitimate,’ she protested.
He shook his head. ‘Nothing would make me legitimate. And it doesn’t change any of their minds about me. It’s only made things worse. I don’t have anything to prove to them, not any more.’ Maybe he never did. From the moment he was conceived, he never really stood a chance in the MacLeish family. And no wonder. He represented his father’s weakness, his betrayal. They would much rather have ignored his existence than acknowledge him as part of the family.
His mother reached out to stroke his cheek. ‘But they hurt you, over and over again. They deserve to feel the pain, too.’
‘Because of my father’s mistakes?’ Lachlan asked. ‘No, I don’t agree. Duncan didn’t ask to have an illegitimate brother, any more than I asked to be born. And his mother didn’t ask to be cheated on either.’
She winced. ‘We were in love…’
‘No, you were in love.’ Lachlan could see it clearly now. ‘He took you for a ride then pushed you out of the car. And for years I think you hoped he’d fall in love with me, and that would make him love you, too. But that’s not the way love works, Mom. You can’t make somebody love you if they’re not ready to do it.’ His voice cracked, his emotions shining through the gap. ‘And getting a pointless title isn’t going to change any of that.’
‘So that’s it. You’ve given up?’
‘No.’ It didn’t feel like giving up. It felt like he’d been wasting so much energy chasing something he was never going to get. ‘I’ve decided to concentrate on things that are more important to me.’
‘Like what?’
He shrugged. ‘My work, my health. Happiness. Maybe even settle down with my own family eventually.’
‘Your own family?’ Her expression softened. ‘Have you met somebody?’
He blew out a mouthful of air. It still hurt to talk about it. Hurt to think about it, even. And yet that was nothing compared to the pain of not thinking about her. She was in everything he did.
‘I met her and I lost her,’ he said.
He felt his mom slip her fingers between his, squeezing his hand tightly. She was surprisingly strong for a sick woman. ‘You had your heart broken?’ she whispered.
‘Something like that.’ Lachlan’s attempt at a smile slid into a grimace.
She stared at him, her lips pursed together in sympathy. ‘Who is she?’ she finally asked.
‘Her name is Lucy,’ Lachlan told her. Just saying it was like another stab to the heart. ‘She’s beautiful, she’s funny, and she’s everything I never knew I wanted.’
His mom frowned. ‘So what happened?’
‘I let her slip through my fingers because I couldn’t give her what she needed. And she left me.’ Shit, was his voice breaking? He coughed, to try to even it out.
‘She must have been very special for you to fall in love with her.’
He looked up, into her unblinking blue eyes. Like his, they were as vivid as the ocean. ‘I didn’t say I loved her.’