‘I’m not sure,’ I say. ‘I might have written it.’
She gives me a confused look. I give her a confused look back. Why would I write this note to myself? If I was going to add something to my fantasy of Bo, I would have written it in my journal. I’m quite particular about that. I can’t even start a new book of my journal until the old book is completed. This loose scrap of paper floating outside the neat edges of my journal doesn’t fit.
I need to check some facts before I take one more step. Luckily, I know a lady who can help with that. At least I think I do.
‘Do you have a car?’ I ask.
‘Yeah,’ she replies.
I open the office. ‘After we sign you out, can you give me a ride to the library?’
‘Sure . . .’ she says uncertainly.
‘Thanks,’ I say, taking out the logbook. ‘What’s your name?’
‘Amy,’ she says, pointing out her name on the time sheet.
I enter the time, 3.18, and initial it. I look her over like I’m going to write about her in my journal. Which means I really look at her. Pretty. Young. Tired, but hunting for sparkle anywhere she can find it. Too thin, too fast.
Just like Mila.
‘Amy, are you paying for your drugs yet or are you still getting them free from Taylor?’
Her mouth drops open. ‘How did you—’
I wave her off. ‘Do you know who supplies him?’
‘No.’ She can’t look at me, but not because she’s lying. It’s because she’s embarrassed. ‘He doesn’t pay for drugs, either – just so you know. I’m not sleeping with him to get high. I’m sleeping with him because I want to.’
‘Where’d Taylor get them?’
‘Some guy came to one of his parties a few weeks ago and gave him a ton of shit. Taylor said that guy had done that once before, and he never asked for money. Tay’s not a dealer,’ she stresses. ‘He’s never charged anyone for the drugs he gives out at his parties.’ She looks down. ‘It’s just that now it’s run out. And that guy hasn’t come back. There’s no way to reach him.’
‘But Taylor knew where to buy more drugs and sent you here,’ I say, gesturing to the shelter.
‘He would totally buy for me if he could,’ Amy says, defending Taylor. ‘But only girls can work here.’
And now I get it. I get how Dr Goodnight did it and hid it for so long. I can see it all, probably because my mind is as predatory as his.
It’s really a great system when you think it through. Gorgeous, fun guys reel in the cutest, youngest girls with free drugs. When the girls are hooked, the free drugs dry up, and the girls have to go get them. The girls tell their parents they’re working at a shelter for the summer, and their parents overlook all the hours their daughter is spending out. With no net, the girls fall until they’re in so far over their heads, they disappear. Great system, but only if the supplier is not interested in making money.
‘Grist for the mill,’ I say. Amy has
no idea what ‘grist’ means. Doesn’t matter.
I think about confronting Taylor, maybe even Liam, but I don’t think they’re aware of the part they’re playing in all this. That’s the thing about parties and free drugs. Nobody asks questions as long as everyone is having fun.
I look at Amy and give her a sad smile. ‘Best summer ever, huh?’
‘Not so much any more,’ she replies quietly.
‘I need to know for certain what’s real and what’s imagined. And I need to hurry,’ I tell her. She has no idea what I’m talking about. I turn Amy gently by the shoulders and give her a little push out of the office. ‘Library,’ I say.
4 AUGUST. WANING
‘Do you remember me?’ I ask the librarian.
I have no idea if I ever actually came here, or if I just imagined coming here. Right now, I’m not taking any of my memories for granted.