Taylor gives me an awkward one-armed hug then goes to accost some tourists who don’t need a tent but will probably buy one from him anyway because he’s such a charming bastard. My grandpa heads home.
It’s still early, so I head back into town to check out the public library. I realize I’m pulling the ‘girl in a dress on a bike riding through town fetchingly’ routine, but I don’t care. All I can think about is that I’m going to see Bo tomorrow, and I want to make sure I have something to talk about with him. I’m no longer allowed to use the Internet without adult supervision, and I’m OK with that. My phone is locked, and here at the edge of utter wilderness, Internet access is spotty at best. It’s a relief in many ways. I know I can’t ruin any more lives with a few keystrokes and a click. But it does impede my access to information. So if I want to keep the existence of my ‘druggie’ boyfriend hidden from my grandparents, I’m going to have to look things up the old-fashioned way.
Not surprisingly, there is a whole section in the public library dedicated to outdoor living in the Pacific Northwest and to bushcraft in general. It’s overwhelming.
I decide to start with the basics. Shelter, fire, water, that sort of thing. I want to be able to ask Bo questions, not stare at him with my mouth hanging open.
This is how I know I’m crazy about him. It’s not because my joints turn to goo when he kisses me. It’s because I want to understand everything about him.
‘Planning a hike?’
I turn to find the librarian standing behind me with a mild look on her face. She’s a matronly woman, midlife, portly.
‘Not exactly,’ I say. ‘Just curious about the outdoors and –’ I gesture to the books on the shelf right next to us – ‘survival.’
‘If you have any questions, I’d be happy to help,’ she offers.
So I take her up on her offer. I ask her what books I would need in order to understand what it is to live in the wild with as little contact with society as possible. She gives me a blank look, and then starts pulling books from the shelf. I take three and follow her to the checkout counter. I fill out a library card and take my books home before Mila arrives to pick me up for our shift at the shelter.
When we pick up Aura-Blue, she’s as chatty and upbeat as usual, but by the time we’re done for the day, I get the feeling that something happened between her and Mila while they worked out front.
At the end of the shift, I’m last out to the car, as usual. Normally the two of them would have the radio on and they’d be talking and texting and sorting out plans for what they were doing later, but today they’re just sitting there. The tension between them is painfully obvious.
‘Ah . . . what happened?’ I ask as I climb into the back seat, although I don’t really want to know.
‘Not sure. Maybe you can explain it to her, AB?’ Mila looks over at Aura-Blue, but Aura-Blue refuses to turn her head. Mila glances over her shoulder at me and shrugs. ‘I guess nothing,’ she says, and then she starts the car and pulls out faster than is necessary, so I know whatever happened is probably Mila’s fault.
After we drop off Aura-Blue, I move to the front seat. A strained silence follows until I feel I have to say something about it.
‘She seemed upset,’ I say lightly.
Mila gives me a roguish half-smile. ‘Aura-Blue is a good girl,’ she says. ‘Sometimes I’m not. She doesn’t like it when I –’ she searches for the right word – ‘stray.’
‘Oh,’ I say.
I guess Mila is cheating on Liam. I’ve kissed him, so I don’t blame her. Something like that can really screw with group dynamics, so I can see why Aura-Blue is upset. Still, it’s none of her business.
‘She’ll get over it,’ I say, shrugging. ‘It’s not really up to her, is it? It’s your body.’
Mila pulls up to my grandparents’ house, stops the car, and turns to me. ‘I’m not going crazy or anything,’ she says. ‘I just need a little something extra every now and again.’
I nod. ‘I get it.’ She gives me a disbelieving look, and I smile. ‘I am no one to judge anyone else about needing extra,’ I say, thinking about Rob and Bo.
I almost tell Mila all about him. I actually take a breath and open my mouth. I look at her. But she’s so much like Jinka. And I feel this deep longing and a bottomlessness that I’ve never felt from a break-up with a guy. I shut my mouth. I can’t go through that again.
‘Look, it’s summertime,’ I say. ‘I’ve never heard anyone say, “I should have partied less this summer.” Have you?’
Mila leans her head back on the headrest and runs her palms lightly over the steering wheel. It’s a sensual thing – her breathing in, feeling the lowering sun on her face through the windscreen.
‘No,’ she says, her eyes still closed. ‘I’ve never heard anyone say that.’ She opens her eyes and looks at me. ‘I wish you went out with us more.’
‘I’d only slow you down,’ I say. I think about Bo, and I know I’m done looking for extra. ‘I just can’t hang any more.’
She nods sagely and doesn’t push. ‘I’m glad you’re back in town anyway. Even if you never come out with us.’
‘Me too,’ I say.
She gives me hug. I feel her ribs under my hand. ‘Maybe stay in a night or two, though?’ I say hesitantly when we break apart. ‘You still need to eat and sleep.’