Magdalena Ella Haloway, I say, trying to keep my voice steady, as I pass my ID to the regulator in charge.
I can hardly make him out behind his flashlight, which he keeps trained on my face, forcing me to squint. Hes big; thats all I know. Tall, thin, angular.
Magdalena Ella Haloway, he repeats. He flips my ID over between his long fingers and looks at my identity code, a number assigned to every citizen of the USA. The first three digits identify your state, the next three your city, the next three your family group, the next four your identity.
And what are you doing, Magdalena? Curfews in less than forty minutes.
Less than forty minutes. That must mean its almost eight thirty. I shift on my feet, trying hard not to betray impatience. A lot of the regulatorsespecially the volunteer onesare poorly paid city techs: window washers or gas-meter readers or security guards.
I take a deep breath and say as innocently as possible, I wanted to take a quick ride down to Back Cove. I do my best to smile and look kind of stupid. I was feeling bloaty after dinner. No point in lying any more than that. Ill just get myself in trouble.
The lead regulator continues to examine me, the flashlight directed glaringly at my face, my ID card in his hand. For a second he seems to waver, and Im sure hes going to let me go, but then he passes my ID to another regulator. Run it through with SVS, will you?
Make sure its valid.
My heart plummets. SVS is the Secure Validation System, a computer network where all the valid citizenships, for every single person in the entire country, are stored. It can take twenty to thirty minutes for the computer system to match codes, depending on how many other people are calling into the system. He cant really think Ive forged an identity card, but hes going to waste my time while someone checks.
And then, miraculously, a voice pipes up from the back of the group. Shes valid, Gerry. I recognize her. She comes into the store. Lives at 172 Cumberland.
Gerry swings around, lowering his flashlight in the process. I blink away the floating dots in my vision. I recognize a few faces vaguelya woman who works in the local dry cleaners and spends her afternoons leaning in the doorway, chewing gum and occasionally spitting out into the street; the traffic officer who works downtown near Franklin Arterial, one of the few areas of Portland that has enough car traffic to justify one; one of the guys who collects our garbageand there, in the back, Dev Howard, who owns the Quikmart down the street from my house.
Normally my uncle brings home most of our groceries canned goods and pasta and sliced meats, for the most partfrom his combo deli and convenience store, Stop- N-Save, all the way over on Munjoy Hill, but occasionally, if were desperate for toilet paper or milk, Ill run out to the Quikmart. Mr. Howard has always creeped me out. Hes super-skinny and has hooded black eyes that remind me of a rats. But tonight I feel like I could hug him. I didnt even think he knew my name.
Hes never said a word to me except, Will that be all today? after he has rung up my purchases, glowering at me from underneath the heavy shade of his eyelids. I make a mental note to thank him the next time I see him.
Gerry hesitates for a fraction of a second longer, but I can see that the other regulators are starting to get restless, shifting from foot to foot, eager to continue the patrol and find someone to bust.
Gerry must sense it too, because he jerks his head abruptly in my direction. Let her have the ID.
Relief makes me feel like laughing, and I have to struggle to look serious as I take my ID and tuck it into place. My hands are shaking ever so slightly. Its strange how being around the regulators will do that to you. Even when theyre being relatively nice, you cant help but think of all the bad stories youve heardthe raids and the beatings and the ambushes.
Just be careful, Magdalena, Gerry says, as I straighten up. Make sure youre home before curfew. He tilts his flashlight into my eyes again. I lift my arm to my eyes, squinting against the dazzle. You wouldnt want to get into any trouble.
He says it lightly, but for a moment I think I hear something hard running under his words, a current of anger or aggression. But then I tell myself Im just being paranoid. No matter what the regulators do, they exist for our protection, for our own good.
The regulators sweep away in a group around me, so for a few seconds Im caught up in a tide of rough shoulders and cotton jackets, unfamiliar cologne and sweat-smells.
Walkie-talkies sputter to life and fade away again around me. I catch snippets of words and broadcasts:
Market Street, a girl and a boy, possibly infected, unapproved music on St. Lawrence, someone appears to be dancing . . . I get bumped side to side against arms and chests and elbows, until finally the group passes and Im spit out again, left alone on the street as the regulators footsteps grow more distant behind me. I wait until I can no longer hear the fuzz of their radio chatter or their boots hitting the pavement.
Then I take off, feeling again a lifting sensation in my chest, that same sense of happiness and freedom. I cant believe how easy it was to get out of the house. I never knew I could lie to my auntI never knew I could lie, periodand when I think about how narrowly I escaped getting grilled by the regulators for hours, it makes me want to jump up and down and pump my fist in the air.
Tonight the whole world is on my side. And Im only a few minutes from Back Cove. My heart picks up its rhythm as I think about skidding down the sloping hill of grass, seeing Alex framed against the last, dazzling rays of sunas I think about that single word breathed into my ear. Gray.
I tear down Baxter, which loops around the last mile down to Back Cove. And then I stop short. The buildings have fallen away behind me, giving way to ramshackle sheds, sparsely situated on either side of the cracked and run-down road. Beyond that, a short strip of tall, weedy grass slants down toward the cove. The water is an enormous mirror, tipped with pink and gold from the sky. In that single, blazing moment as I come around the bend, the suncurved over the dip of the horizon like a solid gold archwaylets out its final winking rays of light, shattering the darkness of the water, turning everything white for a fraction of a second, and then falls away, sinking, dragging the pink and the red and the purple out of the sky with it, all the color bleeding away instantly and leaving only dark.
Alex was right. It was gorgeousone of the best Ive ever seen.
For a moment I cant move or do anything but stand there, breathing hard, staring. Then a numbness creeps over me. Im too late. The regulators must have been wrong about the time. It must be after eight thirty now.
Even if Alex decides to wait for me somewhere along the long loop of the cove, I dont have a prayer of finding him and making it home before curfew.
My eyes sting and the world in front of me goes watery, colors and shapes sloshing together. For a second I think I must be crying, and Im so startled I forget everythingforget about my disappointment and frustration, forget about Alex standing on the beach, the thought of his hair catching the dying rays of sun, flashing copper. I cant remember the last time I cried.
Its been years. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, and my vision sharpens again. Its just sweat, I realize, relieved; Im sweating, its getting in my eyes.
Still, the sick, leaden feeling wont work its way out of my stomach.
I stay there for a few minutes, straddling my bike, squeezing the handlebars hard until Im a little bit calmer. Part of me wants to say, screw it, to shove off, both legs extended, and go flying down the hill toward the water with the wind whipping up my hairscrew curfew, screw the regulators, screw everyone. But I cant; I couldnt; I could never. I have no choice. I have to get home.
I maneuver my bike around in a clumsy circle and start back up the street. Now that the adrenaline and excitement have faded, my legs feel like theyre made out of iron, and Im panting before Ive gone a quarter of a mile. This time Im careful to stay alert for regulators and police and patrols.
On the way home I tell myself that its probably for the best. I must be crazy, zooming around in the half dark just to meet up with some guy on the beach. Besides, everything has been explained: He works at the labs, probably just snuck in on evaluation day for some completely innocent reasonto use the bathroom, or refill his water bottle.
And I remind myself that I probably imagined the whole thingthe message, the meeting up. Hes probably sitting in his apartment somewhere, doing course work for his classes. Hes probably already forgotten about the two girls he met at the lab complex today. He was probably just being nice earlier, making casual conversation.
Its for the best. But no matter how many times I repeat it, the strange, hollow feeling in my stomach doesnt go away. And ridiculous as it is, I cant shake the persistent, needling feeling that Ive forgotten something, or missed something, or lost something forever.
Chapter Seven
Of all the systems of the bodyneurological, cognitive, special, sensorythe cardiological system is the most sensitive and easily disturbed. The role of society must be to shelter these systems from infection and decay, or else the future of the human race is at stake. Like a summer fruit that is protected from insect invasion, bruising, and rot by the whole mechanism of modern farming; so must we protect the heart.
The Role and Purpose of Society, The Book of Shhh, p. 353
I was named after Mary Magdalene, who was nearly killed from love: So infected with deliria and in violation of the pacts of society, she fell in love with men who would not have her or could not keep her. (Book of Lamentations, Mary 13:1).
We learned all about it in Biblical Science. First there was John, then Matthew, then Jeremiah and Peter and Judas, and many other nameless men in- between.
Her last love, they say, was the greatest: a man named Joseph, a bachelor all his life, who found her on the street, bruised and broken and half-crazy from deliria.
Theres some debate about what kind of man Joseph waswhether he was righteous or not, whether he ever succumbed to the diseasebut in any case, he took good care of her. He nursed her to health and tried to bring her peace.
By this time, however, it was too late. She was tormented by her past, haunted by the loves lost and damaged and ruined, by the evils she had inflicted on others and that others had inflicted on her. She could hardly eat; she wept all day; she clung to Joseph and begged him never to leave her, but couldnt find comfort in his goodness.
And then one morning, she woke and Joseph was gone without a word or an explanation. This final abandonment broke her at last and she fell to the ground, begging God to put her out of her misery.
He heard her prayers, and in his infinite compassion he instead removed from her the curse of deliria, with which all humans had been burdened as punishment for the original sin of Eve and Adam. In a sense, Mary Magdalene was the very first cured.