Thats what you get for ordering the mystery meat. Ally makes a face at my roast beef, which Ive ordered despite the fact that its borderline unacceptable. Things That Dont Matter When Youve Lived the Same Day Six Times and Died on at Least Two of Them: lunch meats and their relative coolness.
To my surprise Lindsay sticks up for me. Its all mystery meat, Al. The turkey tastes like shoe bottoms.
Nasty, Elody agrees.
Ive always hated the turkey here, Ally admits, and we all look at one another and burst out laughing.
It feels good to laugh, and the knot in my shoulders relaxes. Still, my fingers start up their involuntary drumming again, moving all on their own. Im scanning every single person who enters the cafeteria, looking alternately for Kentits like, what, he doesnt eat now?and Juliets shock of white blond hair. So far, nada.
to Juliet?
Ive been totally zoning out, thinking about Juliet, that for a second when I hear her name I think Ive only imagined itor worse, said it aloud myself. But then I see that Lindsays looking at Ally, a strange smile curling on her lips, and I know she must have just asked about whether Juliet got our rose. I totally forgot that Ally and Juliet have biology together, and Im suddenly breathless. The room seems to tilt as I wait for Ally to respond. Oh my God, you guys, it was the weirdest thingshe got the biggest bouquet of flowersshe actually smiled.
Ally claps a hand over her mouth, her eyes bugging out. Oh my God, you guys. I totally forgot to tell you
Hands clamp down over my eyes and Im so wound up I let out a little squeal. The hands smell like grease andof courselemon balm. Lindsay, Ally, and Elody crack up as Rob pulls his hands off my eyes. When I look up at him hes smiling, but theres a tightness around his eyes and I can tell hes unhappy.
You avoiding me now? he says, snapping the strap of my tank top like hes five.
Not exactly, I say, trying to sound pleasant. What do you mean?
He jerks his head back toward the soda machine. Ive been standing over there for, like, fifteen minutes. His voice is low; hes clearly not happy to be having this conversation in front of my friends. You havent looked over or come over or anything.
You made me wait longer than that, I want to say, but obviously he wouldnt get it. Besides, as I watch him shuffling his scuffed-up New Balance sneakers, I realize hes not really so horrible. Yeah, hes selfish and not-so-smart and drinks too much and flirts with other girls and cant take off a bra for the life of him, not to mention what comes afterward, but someday hell grow up a little and make a girl really happy.
Im not ignoring you, Rob, its just I blow air out of my cheeks, stalling. Ive never broken up with anybody before, and all the clichs keep running through my head. Its not you, its me. (Noit is him. And me.) Were better off friends. (We were never friends.) Things between us have been
He squints at me like hes trying to read in a different language. You got my rose, right? Fifth period? You read the note?
Like this will make it better. Actually, I say, trying to keep the impatience out of my voice, I didnt get your rose. I cut fifth.
Miss Kingston. Across the table, Elody puts her hand to her chest and pretends to be shocked. I am very disappointed in you. More giggling.
I shoot her a look and turn back to Rob. But thats not the point. The point is
I didnt get a rose from you, Rob says, and I can see him very slowly starting to put it together: something is wrong. When Rob thinks, you can almost see gears shifting together in his brain.
This morning I made one other change in the Rose Room. I stopped by the Cs and carefully rifled through Robs rosesskipping over the rose from Gabby Haynes, his ex-girlfriend, which said, When are we going to hang out like you promised, sexy?and removed the one from me, with the little note I spent hours agonizing over.
Lindsay slaps at Robs arm, still thinking this is all a joke. Be patient, Rob, she says, winking at him. Your rose is coming.
Patient? Rob scowls as though the word tastes bad in his mouth. He crosses his arms and stares at me. I get it. There is no rose, right? Did you forget or something?
Something in his voice makes my friends finally get it. They go silent, staring back and forth from Rob to me, me to Rob.
Let me rephrase: someday hell make a sorority girl really happy, a blonde named Becky with D boobs who doesnt mind getting man-handled like meat in a marinade.
I didnt forget I start to say, but he cuts me off.
His voice is calm, very low, but I can hear the anger running underneath ithard and cold and cutting. You make such a huge deal about Cupid Day. And then you dont keep up your end of the bargain. Typical.
Inside, my stomach is working like its trying to digest a whole cow, but I lift my chin, staring at him. Typical? Whats that supposed to mean?
I think you know. Rob passes a hand over his eyes and looks suddenly mean, reminding me of this trick my dad used to do where he would bring his hand down over his face, changing all of his features from happy to sad, then from sad back to happy, in an instant. You dont exactly have a perfect history of keeping your promises
Psycho alert, Lindsay shouts out, probably hoping to diffuse the tension.
It works, kind of. I stand up so quickly I knock over my chair. Rob looks at me, disgusted, then taps the chair with his toenot hard, but enough so that its loudand says, Find me later.
He stalks off into the cafeteria, but Im not watching him anymore. Im watching Juliet float, drift, skim into the room. Like shes already dead and were just seeing her flickering back to life in patches, imperfectly.
Shes not carrying anything, either, not a single stem, just a lumpy brown paper bag as always. My disappointment is so heavy and real I can taste it, a bitter lump in the back of my throat.
And then one of the Cupids came in, and I swear, she had, like, three dozen flowers, all for Juliet.
I whip around. What did you say?
Ally frowns a little at my tone of voice, but she repeats, She just got, like, this huge bouquet of roses delivered to her. Ive never seen so many roses. She starts to giggle. Maybe Psycho has a stalker.
I just dont understand what happened to our rose, Lindsay says, pouting. I specifically told them third period, bio.
What did she do with them? I interject.
Ally, Elody, and Lindsay stare at me. Do with what? Ally says.
The roses. Did shedid she throw them out?
Why do you care? Lindsay wrinkles her nose.
I justI dont care. Its just Theyre all staring at me blankly. Elody has her mouth open and I can see mushed-up french fries in it. I think its nice, okay? If someone sent her all those rosesI dont know. I just think its nice.
She probably sent them herself, Elody says, starting to giggle again.
I finally lose my temper. Why? Why would you say that?
Elody jerks back like Ive hit her. Im justits Juliet.
Yeah, exactly. Its Juliet. So whats the point? Nobody gives a shit about her. Nobody pays any attention. I lean forward, pressing both hands on the table, my head pounding from anger and frustration. Whats. The. Point?
Alley frowns at me. Is this because youre upset about Rob?
Yeah. Lindsay folds her arms. Whats up with that anyway? Are you guys okay?
This isnt about Rob, I say, squeezing the words out through gritted teeth.
Elody jumps in. It was a joke, Sam. Yesterday you said you were scared Juliet would bite you if you went too close. You said she probably had rabies.
Thats what really breaks meright then, when Elody says that. Or rather, when she reminds me that I said that: yesterday, six days ago, a whole different world ago. How is it possible, I think, to change so much and not be able to change anything at all? Thats the very worst thing about all of this, a feeling of desperate hopelessness, and I realize my question to Elody is the question thats been tearing me up all along. Whats the point? If Im deadif I cant change anything, if I cant fix itwhats the point?
Sams right. Lindsay winks at me, still not getting it. Its Cupid Day, you know? A time of love and forgiveness, even for the psychos of the world. She raises a rose like its a glass of champagne. To Juliet.
Ally and Elody lift their roses, giggling. To Juliet, they say in unison.
Sam? Lindsay raises an eyebrow. Care to toast with us?
I spin around and head to the back of the senior section, to the door that leads directly to the parking lot. Lindsay shouts something, and Ally calls, She didnt throw them out, okay?
I keep going anyway, threading past tables piled with food and roses and bags, everyone talking and laughing, oblivious. I get a pang in my stomach that feels like regret. Everything looks so stupidly, happily normal: everyone just wasting time because they have so much of it to waste, minutes slipping by on whos with who and did you hear.
On the horizon is the black line of clouds, just sitting there, a curtain about to be closed. I scan the parking lot, looking for Juliet, bouncing up and down on my toes to keep warm. Music blares from a car in Senior Alley and I recognize Krista Murphys silver Taurus gun up toward the exit. Otherwise the parking lot is still. Juliet has melted away somewhere into the landscape of metal and pavement.
I take a breath and exhale a cloud, enjoying the sharp sting of the air on my throat. Im almost relieved that Juliet is gone. Im not sure exactly what I would have said to her. And she didnt throw out the flowers, after all. Thats a good sign. I stand there for a second more, bouncing on my toes, thinking, Tonights the night Im going to get free of this thing. Thinking of all the things Im going to do more of in my life. Go up to Goose Point with Izzy, until shes too old to stand it. Hang out with Elody one-on-one. Drive into New York and go to a Yankees game with Lindsay, and stuff my face with hot dogs and catcall all the players.
Kiss Kent. Really kiss him, slow and long, somewhere outsidemaybe while its snowing. Maybe standing in the woods. Hell lean forward and hell have little snowflakes on his eyelashes again and hell brush the hair away from my face and put a warm hand behind my neck, so warm its almost burning