Then Kent nudges the door with his toe, calling Juliet? as the door swings openagain, time stretches; it seems to take foreverand in that second, or half second, I somehow have the time to conjure up every horrible possibility, to imagine her body crumpled on the ground.
And then the door finishes swinging, and the bathroom is there: perfectly clean, perfectly normal, and perfectly empty. The lights are on, and theres a damp hand towel draped over the sink. The only thing slightly out of the ordinary is the window. Its wide open, and rain has been battering in onto the tiles below.
She went out the window, Kent says at the same time Im thinking it. I cant quite place his tone. Its half sad, half admiring.
Shit. Of course. After a humiliation like that, she would have looked for the easiest escape possible, the one that would attract the least attention. The window looks out onto a sloping side lawn and, of course, the woods. She must have made a dash for it, planning to loop around back toward the driveway.
I hurtle out of the bathroom. Kent calls, Wait! but Im already down the hall and out the door, pushing onto the porch.
I grab my flashlight and the sweatshirt from behind a planter where Id left them and head out across the lawn. The rain isnt so bad just at the moment, more of a freezing mist falling in solid layers from above, but its the kind of cold that goes right through you. I keep my flashlight trained on the ground as I sweep around to the side of the house. Im not exactly a master tracker, but Ive read enough old mysteries to know that you should always look for footprints. Unfortunately, the mud is so gross and damp that everything looks churned up. Still, at the base of the bathroom I find a deep indent, where she must have landed, and a series of scuffly-looking marks going, as I suspected, straight to the woods.
I wrap my sweatshirt more tightly around me and plunge in after her. I cant see anything but a few feet of light extending in a bouncing circle in front of me. Ive never been scared of the dark exactly, but the endless scrapings and groanings of the trees and the constant patter of rain through the branches make it sound like the woods are alive and babbling away, like one of those crazy people you see in New York City who are always pushing grocery carts filled with empty bags.
Theres no point in trying to follow Juliets footprints. Theyre totally invisible in the soggy paste of decaying leaves, mud, and rotting bark. Instead I strike out in what I hope is the general direction of the road, hoping to catch her on her walk home. Im pretty sure this is what she intends to do. If youre so desperate to ditch a partyand the people in itthat you climb out a window, its hardly likely that youll stroll back minutes later and ask people to move their Hondas.
The rain starts coming down harder, rattling through the icy branches, the sound of bone on bone. My chest aches from the cold, and even though Im moving as fast as I can, my fingers feel numb and Im having trouble holding on to the flashlight. I cant wait to get to my car and turn the heat on full blast. Then Ill drive the streets looking for her. If worse comes to worse Ill intercept her at her house. If only I make it out of these freaking woods.
I push myself forward even faster, half jogging now, trying to stay warm. Every few moments I call out Juliet! but I dont expect to get an answer. The patter of the rain is getting heavier and more constant, big fat drops of it splashing on the back of my neck and making me gasp.
Juliet! Juliet!
The patter turns into a rush. Daggers of icy water slice into me. I keep up the jog, the flashlight like lead in my hand. I cant feel my toes anymore; I dont even know if Im going in the right direction. I could be running around in circles, for all I know.
Juliet!
I start to get scared. I turn a full circle, sweeping my flashlight through the darkness: nothing but dense trees pressing in on either side of me. It didnt take me this long to walk through the woods on the way to Kents, Im sure of it. My fingers feel like theyre twice the size they should be, and as Im spinning, the flashlight flies out of my hand. Theres a crash and the sound of splintering. The light sputters and dies, and Im left totally in darkness.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Cursing out loud makes me feel better.
I take a few hesitant steps in the direction of the flashlight, keeping my arms out in front of me so I dont collide with anything. After a few shuffling steps I drop to my knees, instantly destroying my house pants as wetness seeps through the fabric. I rake my hands in the sludge in front of me, trying hard not to think too much about what Im touching. Rain is driving into my eyes. My fleece is clinging to my skin, and it smells like wet dog. Im shivering uncontrollably. This is what happens when you try to help people. You get screwed. I feel a lump building in my throat.
In order to keep from a total meltdown, I think about what Lindsay would say if she were stuck with me in the middle of the night in the middle of woods that extend who knows how many miles in the middle of a monsoon, if she saw me tearing at the ground like a deranged mole, completely covered in mud.
Samantha Kingston, she would say, smiling, I always knew deep down you were a very dirty girl.
The thought only cheers me up for a second. Lindsays not here with me. Lindsays probably making out with Patrick in a toasty warm and very dry room right now, or passing a joint back and forth and wondering out loud to Ally why Ive been acting so freak-tastic. Im completely lost, completely miserable, and completely alone. The ache in my throat intensifies until I feel like theres an animal trying to claw its way out of my throat.
And Im suddenly angry at Julietso angry I could punch her. I dont see how she can be so selfish. No matter whatno matter how bad things areshe has a choice. Not all of us are so lucky.
Thats when I hear the most beautiful sound Ive ever heard in the entirety of my seventeen years of life (plus five days of life-after-death).
I hear honking.
The sound is far away, and it fades almost as soon as it beginsa low wail through the night as someone speeding by leans on the horn. Im closer to the road than I thought.
I scramble to my feet and go as quickly as I can toward the source of the sound, keeping my arms outstretched like a mummy, slapping away branches and the slick touch of the evergreens. My heart is pounding with excitement, and I strain for a noiseany other noiseto guide me. After a minute or so I hear another honk, this one closer. I could sob with relief. Another minute and I hear the thudding bass of a stereo system, tuning in and then out again as a car speeds away. Another minute and I can see, faintly through the trees, the glimmer of the light from the streetlamps. Ive found the road.
As the lights get closer and the trees thin, I can see a little better, and I start booking it. Im so busy fantasizing about piles and piles of blanketsIll take every single one I can find in the houseand hot chocolate and warm slippers and showers that I dont see Juliet Sykes until the last minute, when I nearly trip over her.
Shes huddled seven or eight feet from the road, her arms wrapped around her knees. Water has turned her white top totally transparent, and I can see her brastripedand all the bones of her spine. Im so surprised to come across her like that, I forget, momentarily, that shes the whole reason Im out here in the first place.
What are you doing? I say, loudly over the rain.
She looks up at me. The streetlamps light up her face. Her eyes are dull. What are you doing? she parrots back at me.
Im, um, looking for you actually. Her face doesnt register any emotionno surprise, no shock, no anger, nothing. It throws me. Arent you cold?
She shakes her head, just barely, and keeps staring at me with those dull, tired eyes. This isnt nearly how I pictured it would be. I thought she would be happy that Ive come to look for hergrateful, even. Or maybe she would be mad. In any case, I thought she would be something.
Listen, Juliet I can hardly talk, my teeth are chattering so badly. Its, like, almost one oclock in the morning, and its freezing out here. Do you maybe want to come over to my house for a bit? And talk? I know what happened in thereI nod back in the direction of Kents houseand I feel really bad about it. I just want her to get in the damn car, but its true; I do feel bad.
Juliet stares at me for a long, hard second, the rain blurring the few feet between us. She starts to stand, and I feel sure thats done it, but instead she turns away and takes several steps toward the road.
Sorry, she says. Her voice isnt apologetic, though. Its flat.
I reach out and grab her wrist. It feels impossibly tiny in my hand, like this one time I found a baby bird near Goose Point, and I picked it up and it died there, taking its final, gasping, fluttering breaths in my palm. Juliet doesnt pull away, but she stares at my hand like its a snake about to bite her.
Listen, I try again. Listen. I know this is going to sound crazy, but The wind rushes through the trees and releases a new volley of rain. I have a feeling that we have something in common, you and me. If we could just go somewhere and talk about it
Im not going anywhere, Juliet says. She stares out at the road, and I think I see a small, sad smile playing on her lips. Then its gone.
Ive been outside too long. My mind is grinding to a halt. Nothings making sense anymore. Weird images keep flashing through my head, a bizarre fantasy reel of warm things. A pool filled with steaming hot chocolate. A stack of blankets piled all the way to the roof of my house. And part of me just thinks, Screw it. Let her do what shes going to do. Tomorrow there will be a big rewind anyway.
But theres a bigger part of memy inner bull, my mom used to call itthat says she owes me this. Im covered in mud; Im absolutely freezing; and half the population of Thomas Jefferson thinks Im a pajama-wearing freak.
How about we go to your house? I figure shell have to go back there eventually. She gives me a strange look, and for a second I feel like shes staring straight through me.
Why are you doing this? she says.
I have to yell even louder than before. Cars are starting to pull out of Kents driveway, zooming by us on the wet road. II want to help you.
She shakes her head, an infinitesimal gesture. You hate me.
Shes edging closer and closer to the road, and its making me extremely nervous. A car roars by us, bass pumping. It glitters when it passes under the streetlamp, and I can just make out the silhouette of someone laughing. Somewhere to my right I think I hear my name, but its hard to tell over the pounding rain.