The thing about dj vu is that it has always passed really quicklythirty seconds, a minute at most.
But this doesnt pass.
Everything is the same: Eileen Cho squealing over her roses in first period and Samara Phillips leaning over and crooning, He must really love you. I pass the same people in the halls at the same time. Aaron Stern spills his coffee all over the hallway again, and Carol Lin starts screaming at him again.
Even her words are the same. Were you dropped on your head one too many times or something? I have to admit its pretty funny, even the second time around. Even when I feel like Im crazy; even when I feel like I could scream.
But even weirder are the little blips and wrinkles, the things that have shifted around. Sarah Grundel, for example. On my way to second period I see her standing against a bank of lockers, twirling her goggles around her index finger and talking to Hillary Hale. As I walk by I catch just a bit of their conversation.
so excited. I mean, Coach says my time could still go down by a half second
We have two weeks before the semis. You can totally do it.
I stop dead when I hear this. Sarah sees me staring at her and gets really uncomfortable. She smoothes her hair and tugs on her skirt, which is riding up on her waist.
Then she waves.
Hey, Sam, she says. She pulls on her skirt again.
Were you I take a deep breath to keep from stuttering like an idiot. Were you just talking about semifinals? For swim team?
Yeah. Sarahs face lights up. Are you going to come?
Even though Im freaking out, it still occurs to me that this is a really stupid question. Ive never gone to a swim meet in my life, and the idea of sitting on a slimy tile floor and watching Sarah Grundel splash around in a bathing suit is about as appealing as the chow mein from Hunan Kitchen. To be honest, the only sporting event I ever go to is homecoming, and after four years I still dont understand any of the rules. Lindsay usually brings a flask of something for the four of us to share, so that could have something to do with it.
I thought you werent competing. I try hard to act casual. I heard some rumorlike maybe you were late and the coach freaked out.
You heard a rumor? About me? Sarahs eyes go wide and she looks like I just handed her a winning lotto ticket. I guess shes of the no press is bad press philosophy.
I guess I was wrong. I think of seeing her car in the third-to-last spot and feel heat flood my face. Of course she wasnt late today. Of course shes still competing. She didnt have to walk from Upper Lot today. She was late yesterday.
My head starts pounding and suddenly I just want to get out of there.
Hillarys looking at me strangely. Are you okay? You look really pale.
Yeah. Fine. Bad sushi last night. I put one hand on the lockers to steady myself. Sarah starts babbling about the time she got food poisoning from the mall, but Im already walking away, feeling like the hallway is rolling and buckling underneath me.
Dj vu. Its the only explanation.
If you repeat something enough, you can almost make yourself believe it.
Im feeling so shaken up I almost forget that Allys waiting for me in the bathroom by the science wing. I go into the stall and flip the lid of a toilet down and just sit there, only half listening while she babbles. I remember something Mrs. Harbor once said on one of her crazy tangents in English: that Plato believed that the whole worldeverything we can seewas just like shadows on a cave wall. We cant actually see the real thing, the thing thats casting the shadow in the first place. I have that feeling now, of being surrounded by shadows, like Im seeing the impression of the thing before the thing itself.
Hello? Are you even listening to me?
Ally rattles the door and I look up, startled. I notice AC=WT scrawled on the inside of the door. Below it a smaller note reads: Go back to the trailer, ho.
You said pretty soon youd have to shop for bras in the maternity section, I say automatically. Of course I wasnt really listening. Not this time, anyway.
Im wondering, vaguely, why Lindsay came all the way down here to write on the bathroom wallwhy it was important to her, I mean. Shed already written it a dozen times in the stalls across from the cafeteria, and thats the bathroom everyone uses. Im not even sure why she dislikes Anna, and it reminds me that I still dont know when she started hating Juliet Sykes so much either. Its weird how much you can know about someone without knowing everything. Youd think someday youd come to the end of it.
I stand up and swing the door open, pointing to the graffiti. When did Lindsay do this?
Ally rolls her eyes. She didnt. Copycat artist.
Really?
Uh-huh. Theres one in the girls locker room too. Copycat. She whips her hair into a ponytail and starts pinching her lips to make them swell up. Its so lame. We cant do anything in this school without everyone doing the same thing.
Lame. I run my fingers over the words. Theyre thick and black, like worms, drawn in permanent marker. I wonder, briefly, whether Anna uses this bathroom.
We should sue for copyright infringement. Can you imagine? Twenty bucks for every time somebody bites our style. Wed be rolling in it. She giggles. Mint?
Ally holds out an Altoids tin. Even though shes still a virginand will be, for the foreseeable future (or at least until she goes to college), since shes completely obsessed with Matt Wildeshe insists on taking birth control pills, which she keeps crumpled up in their foil pack right there alongside her mints. She claims its so her dad wont find them, but everyone knows she likes to flash them during class so that people will think shes having sex. Not that anybodys fooled. Thomas Jefferson is small: you know these things.
One time Elody told Ally she had pregnancy breath and we all died over it. It was junior year in May and we were all lying out on Allys trampoline. It was the Saturday morning after shed had one of her best parties yet. We were all just a little hungover, our brains fuzzy, stuffed on all the pancakes and bacon wed put down at the diner, totally happy. I lay there while the trampoline dipped and swayed, closing my eyes against the sun, wishing that the day would never end.
The bell rings and Ally squeals, Ooh! Were gonna be late.
Again that pit opens in my stomach. A part of me is tempted to hide all day in the bathroom, but I cant.
I know you know what happens next. That I get to chem late. That I take the last seat next to Lauren Lornet. That Mr. Tierney passes out a quiz with three questions on it.
The worst part of it? Ive seen the quiz before and I still dont know the answers.
I ask to borrow a pen. Lauren starts whispering to me; she wants to know if its working okay. Mr. Tierneys book comes down with a bang.
Everyone jumps but me.
Class. Bell. Class. Bell.
Crazy. Im going crazy.
By the time the roses get delivered in math class my hands are shaking. I take a deep breath before I open the little laminated card attached to the rose Rob sent me. I imagine it will say something incredible, something surprising, something that will make everything better.
Youre beautiful, Sam.
Im so happy to be with you.
Sam, I love you.
I lift the corner of the card gently and peek inside.
Luv y
I close the card quickly and put it in my bag.
Wow. Its beautiful.
I look up. The girl dressed like an angel is standing there, staring at the rose shes just laid on my desk: pink and cream petals swirled together like ice cream. She still has her hand outstretched and tiny blue veins crisscross her skin like a web.
Take a picture. Itll last longer, I snap at her. She blushes as red as the roses shes holding and stammers out an apology.
I dont bother reading the note thats attached to this one, and for the rest of class I keep my eyes glued to the blackboard to avoid any sign from Kent. Im concentrating so hard on not looking at him I almost miss it when Mr. Daimler winks at me and smiles.
Almost.
After class Kent catches up with me, holding the pink-and-cream rose, which Id deliberately left on my desk.
You forgot this, he says. As always his hair is flopping over one eye. Its okay, you can say it: Im amazing.
I didnt forget it. Im struggling not to look at him. I didnt want it.
I sneak a glance at him and see his smile fade for a second. Then its back on full-force, like a friggin laser beam.
What do you mean? He tries to pass it to me. Didnt anybody ever tell you that the more roses you get on Cupid Day, the more popular you are?
I dont think I need any help in that department. Especially from you.
His smile definitely drops then. Part of me hates what Im doing, but all I can think of is the memoryor dreamor whatever it iswhen he leans in and I think hes going to kiss me, Im sure of it, but instead he whispers, I see right through you.
You dont know me. You dont know anything about me.
Thank God.
I dig my nails into my palms.
I never said the rose was from me, he says. His voice is so low and serious it startles me. I meet his eyes; theyre bright green. I remember when I was little my mom used to say that God mixed the grass and Kents eyes from the same color.
Yeah, well. Its pretty obvious. I just want him to stop looking at me like that.
He takes a deep breath. Look. Im having a party tonight
Thats when I see Rob loping into the cafeteria. Normally I would wait for him to notice me, but today I cant.
Rob! I yell out.
He turns and sees me, gives me half a wave, and starts to turn around again.
Rob! Wait! I take off down the hallway. Im not exactly runningLindsay, Ally, Elody, and I made a pact years ago never to run on school grounds, not even in gym class (lets face it: sweating and huffing arent exactly attractive)but its a close call.
Whoa, Slamster. Wheres the fire?
Rob puts his arms around me and I bury my nose in his fleece. It smells a little like old pizzanot the best smell, especially when its mixed with lemon balmbut I dont care. My legs are shaking so badly Im afraid theyll give out. I just want to stand there forever, holding on to him.
I missed you, I say into his chest.
For a second his arms tense around me. But when he tilts my face up toward his, hes smiling.
Did you get my Valogram? he asks.