Im about to head over to Emma Howsershes super cheesy and normally I wouldnt be caught dead talking to her, but Im getting desperatewhen I feel thick arms around me and smell lemon balm. Rob.
He puts a wet mouth against my ear. Sexy Sammy. Whereve you been all my life?
I turn around. His face is bright red. Youre drunk, I say, and it comes out more accusatory than I meant it to.
Sober enough, he says, trying and failing to raise one eyebrow. And youre late. His grin is lazy. Only one half of it curves upward. We did a keg stand.
Its ten oclock, I point out. Were not late. I called you, anyway.
He pats his fleece and his pockets. Mustve put my phone down somewhere.
I roll my eyes. Youre a delinquent.
I like it when you use those big words. The other half of his smile is creeping upward slowly and I know hes going to kiss me. I turn partly away, searching the room for my friends, but theyre still MIA.
In the corner I spot Kent, wearing a tie and a collared shirt about three sizes too big for him, which is half tucked into a pair of ratty khakis. At least hes not wearing his bowler hat. Hes talking to Phoebe Rifer and theyre laughing about something. It annoys me that he hasnt noticed me yet. Im kind of hoping hell look up and come barreling over to me like he usually does, but he just bends closer toward Phoebe like hes trying to hear her better.
Rob pulls me into him. Well only stay for an hour, okay? Then well leave. His breath smells like beer and a little like cigarettes when he kisses me. I close my eyes and think about how in sixth grade I saw him kissing Gabby Haynes and was so jealous I couldnt eat for two days. I wonder if I look like Im enjoying it. Gabby did, in sixth grade.
It relaxes me to think about things like that: how funny life is.
I havent even taken off my jacket, but Rob unzips it and moves his hands along my waist and then under my tank top. His palms are sweaty and big.
I pull away long enough to say, Not right here, in the middle of everyone.
Nobodys watching, he says, and clamps down on me again. This is a lie. He knows everyone watches us. He can see it. He doesnt even close his eyes.
His hands inch over my stomach and his fingers are pulling at the underwire of my bra. Hes not very good with bras. Hes not that good with breasts in general, actually. I mean, its not like I really know what its supposed to feel like, but every time he touches my boobs he kind of just massages them hard in a circle. My gyno does the same thing when I go in for an exam, so one of them has to be doing it wrong. And to be honest, I dont think its my gyno.
If you want to know my biggest secret, here it is: I know youre supposed to wait to have sex with someone you love and all that, and I do love RobI mean, Ive kind of been in love with him forever, so how could I not?but thats not why I decided to have sex with him tonight.
I decided to have sex with him because I want to get it over with, and because sex has always scared me and I dont want to be scared of it anymore.
I cant wait to wake up next to you, Rob says, his mouth against my ear.
Its a sweet thing to say, but I cant concentrate while his hands are on me. And it occurs to me all of a sudden that Id never thought about the waking-up part. I have no idea what youre supposed to talk about the day after youve had sex, and I imagine us lying side by side, not touching, silent, while the sun rises. Rob doesnt have any blinds in his roomhe ripped them down once when he was drunkand during the day its like a spotlight has been turned on his bed, a spotlight or an eye.
Get a room!
I pull away from Rob as Ally appears next to me, making a face. You two are perverts, she says.
This is a room. Rob lifts both arms and gestures around him. He sloshes a little bit of beer onto my shirt, and I make a noise, annoyed.
Sorry, babe. He shrugs. Now theres only a half inch of beer in his cup and he stares at it, frowning. Gonna go for a topper. You guys want?
We brought our own. Ally pats the vodka in her purse.
Smart thinking. Rob brings a finger up to tap the side of his head but nearly takes an eye out instead. Hes drunker than I thought. Ally covers her mouth and giggles.
My boyfriends an idiot, I say as soon as he lurches away.
A cute idiot, Ally corrects me.
Thats like saying a cute mutant. Doesnt exist.
Sure it does. Allys looking around the room, pouting her lips to make them look more kissable.
Where did you go, anyway? Im feeling more annoyed than I should by everything: by the fact that my friends ditched me after thirty whole seconds, by the fact that Robs so drunk, by the fact that Kents still talking to Phoebe Rifer, even though hes supposed to be obsessively in love with me. Not that I want him to be in love with me, obviously. Its just a constant thats always been comforting, in a weird way. I wrestle the bottle out of Allys bag and take another sip.
We made a round. Theres, like, seventeen different rooms up here. You should check it out. Ally looks at me, notices the face Im pulling, and holds up her hands. What? Its not like we abandoned you in the middle of nowhere.
Shes right. I dont know why Im feeling so pissy. Where did Lindsay and Elody go?
Elodys suctioned to Muffins lap. And Lindsay and Patrick are fighting.
Already?
Yeah, well, they kissed for the first three minutes. They waited until minute four to start going at it.
This cracks me up and Ally and I laugh over it. I start to feel better, more comfortable. The vodka fills my head with warmth. More people are arriving all the time and the room seems to be revolving just a little bit. Its a nice feeling, though, like being on a really slow carousel. Ally and I decide to go on a mission to save Lindsay before her fight with Patrick turns into an all-out brawl.
It seems like the whole school has shown up, but really there are only sixty or seventy kids. This is the most that ever shows up at a party. Theres the top and middle of the senior class, popularity-wiseKents just holding on to the lower rung of the ladder, but hes hosting so its okaysome of the cooler juniors, and a couple of really cool sophomores. I know Im supposed to hate them, like we were hated when we were sophomores at all the senior parties, but I cant bring myself to care. Ally gives a group of them one of her ice stares as we go by, though, and says Skanks loudly. One of them, Rachel Kornish, supposedly hooked up with Matt Wilde not long ago.
Obviously no freshmen are allowed in. The social bottom doesnt show either. It isnt because people would make fun of them, although they probably would. Its more than that. They dont hear about these parties until after theyve happened. They dont know the things we know: they dont know about the secret side entrance to Andrew Robertss guesthouse, or the fact that Carly Jablonski stashed a cooler in her garage where you can keep your beers cold, or the fact that Rockys doesnt check IDs very closely, or the fact that Mics stays open around the clock and makes the best egg and cheeses in the world, absolutely dripping with oil and ketchup, perfect for when youre drunk. Its like high school holds two different worlds, revolving around each other and never touching: the haves and the have-nots. I guess its a good thing. High school is supposed to prepare you for the real world, after all.
There are so many tiny hallways and rooms, it feels like a maze. All of them are filled with people and smoke. Only one door is closed. It has a big KEEP OUT sign plastered on it over a bunch of weird bumper stickers that say things like VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS and KISS ME. IM IRISH.
By the time we get to Lindsay, she and Patrick have made up, big surprise. Shes sitting on his lap and hes smoking a joint. Elody and Steve Dough are in a corner. Hes leaning against the wall and shes half dancing and half grinding against him. She has an unlit cigarette dangling from her lips, butt end out, and her hair is a mess. Steve is steadying her, using one arm to keep her on her feet, but hes having a conversation with Liz Hummer (her real nameand, coincidentally, her car) like Elody isnt even there, much less rubbing on him.
Poor Elody, I say. I dont know why I suddenly feel bad for her. Shes too nice.
Shes a whore, Ally says, but not meanly.
Do you think well remember any of this? Im not sure where the words come from. My whole head feels light and fuzzy, ready to float away. Do you think well remember any of it two years from now?
I wont even remember tomorrow. Ally laughs, tapping the bottle in my hand. Theres only a quarter of it left. I cant think when we drank it all.
Lindsay squeals when she sees us and stumbles off Patricks lap, throwing an arm around each of us like its been years since we were together. She snatches the vodka from me and takes a sip while her arm is still wrapped around my shoulders, her elbow tightening momentarily against my neck.
Where did you go? she yells. Her voice is loud, even over the music and the sound of everybody talking and laughing. I was looking everywhere for you.
Bullshit, I say, and Ally says, In Patricks mouth, maybe.
Were laughing over the fact that Lindsays a bullshitter and Elodys a drunk and Allys OCD and Im antisocial, and someone cracks a window to let out the smoke, and a fine mist of rain comes in, smelling like grass and fresh things, even though its the dead middle of winter. Without anyone noticing I reach my hand back and rest it on the sill, enjoying the freezing air and the sensation of a hundred pinpricks of rain. I close my eyes and promise myself Ill never forget this moment: the sound of my friends laughter and the heat from so many bodies and the smell of rain.
When I open my eyes I get the shock of my life. Juliet Sykes is standing in the doorway, staring at me.
Shes staring at us, actually: Lindsay, Ally, and Elody, who has just left Steve and come over to stand with us, and me. Juliets hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and I think its the first time Ive ever really seen her face.
Its shocking that shes there, but its even more shocking that shes pretty. She has blue eyes set wide apart and high cheekbones, like a models. Her skin is perfectly clear and white. I cant stop staring at her.
People are elbowing and pushing her because shes blocking the doorway, but she just stands there, staring.