I was kidding, I say, slowly and very seriously. Im sorry.
His face is still tense and hard and even a little disappointed, but he lifts his phone and begins texting again.
Ridge: And therein lies the problem, Sydney. You should be able to screw whoever you want to screw, and I shouldnt give a shit.
I suck in a breath. At first, it pisses me off, but then I focus in on the one word that reveals the entire truth behind his statement.
Shouldnt.
He didnt say, I dont give a shit. He said, I shouldnt give a shit.
I look up at him, and his face is so full of pain its heartbreaking.
He doesnt want to feel like this. I dont want him to feel like this.
What the hell am I doing to him?
He runs both of his hands through his hair, looks up at the ceiling, and squeezes his eyes shut. He stands like this for a while, then exhales and drops his hands to his hips, lowering his eyes to the floor.
He feels so guilty he cant even look at me.
Without making eye contact, he lifts an arm and grabs my wrist, then pulls me toward him. He crushes me to his chest, wraps one arm around my back, and curves his other hand against the back of my head. My arms are folded up and tucked between us while his cheek rests against the top of my head. He sighs heavily.
I dont pull away from him in order to text him a flaw, because I dont think hes in need of one right now. The way hes holding me is different, unlike all the times in the past few weeks when weve had to separate ourselves in order to breathe.
Hes holding me now as if Im a part of hima wounded extension of his heartand hes realizing just how much that extension needs to be severed.
We stand like this for several minutes, and I begin to get lost in the way hes wrapped himself around me. The way hes holding me gives me a glimpse of what things could be like between us. I try to push those two little words into the back of my head, the two words that always inch their way forward when were together.
Maybe someday.
The sound of keys hitting a counter behind me jerks me to attention. I pull back, and Ridge does the same as soon as he feels my body flinch against his. He looks over my shoulder and toward the kitchen, so I spin around. Warren has just walked through the front door. His back is toward us, and hes slipping off his shoes.
Im only going to say this once, and I need you to listen, Warren says. He still isnt facing us, but Im the only one in the apartment who can hear him, so I know hes directing his comment to me. He will never leave her, Sydney.
He walks to his bedroom without once looking over his shoulder, leaving Ridge to believe he never even saw us. The door to Warrens bedroom closes, and I turn back to face Ridge. His eyes are still on Warrens door. When they flick back to mine, theyre full of so many things I know he wishes he could say.
But he doesnt. He just turns and walks into his room, closing the door behind him.
I remain completely motionless as two huge tears spill from my eyes, scarring their way down my cheeks in a trail of shame.
Ridge
Brennan: Gotta love rain. Looks like Ill be there early. Im coming alone, though. The guys cant make it.
Me: See you when you get here. Oh, and before you leave tomorrow, make sure you get all your shit out of Sydneys room.
Brennan: Will she be there? Do I finally get to meet the girl who was brought to this earth for us?
Me: Yeah, shell be here.
Brennan: I cant believe Ive never asked this, but is she hot?
Oh, no.
Me: Dont even think about it. Shes been through too much shit to be added to your list of concubines.
Brennan: Territorial, are we?
I toss my phone onto the bed and dont even bother with a reply. If I make her too off-limits to him, itll just make him try that much harder with her.
When she made the joke last night about screwing him, she was just trying to add humor to the seriousness of the situation, but the way her text made me feel terrified me.
It wasnt the fact that she texted about hooking up with someone. What terrified me was my knee-jerk reaction. I wanted to throw my phone against the wall and smash it into a million pieces, then throw her against the wall and show her all the ways I could ensure that she never thinks about another man again.
I didnt like feeling that way. I probably should encourage Brennan. Maybe it would be better for my relationship with Maggie if Sydney actually started dating someone else.
Whoa.
The wave of jealousy that just rolled over me felt more like a tsunami.
I walk out of my bedroom and head to the kitchen to help Sydney get things together for dinner before everyone gets here. I pause when I see her bent over, rummaging through the contents of the refrigerator. Shes wearing the blue dress again.
I hate it when Warren is right. My eyes slowly scroll from the dress, down her tanned legs, and back up again. I exhale and contemplate asking her to go change. Im not sure I can deal with this tonight. Especially when Maggie gets here.
Sydney straightens up, pulls away from the refrigerator, and turns toward the counter. I notice shes talking, but she isnt talking to me. She pulls a bowl out of the refrigerator, and her mouth is still moving, so naturally, my eyes scan the rest of the apartment to see who it is shes talking to.
And thats when both halves of my heartwhich were somehow still connected by a small, invisible fibersnap apart and separate completely.
Maggie is standing in front of the bathroom door, eyeing me hard. I cant read her expression, because its not one Ive ever been exposed to before. The half of my heart that belongs to her immediately begins to panic.
Look innocent, Ridge. Look innocent. All you did was look at her.
I smile. Theres my girl, I sign as I walk to her. The fact that Im somehow able to hide my guilt seems to ease her concern. She smiles back and wraps her arms around my neck when I reach her. I slip my arms around her waist and kiss her for the first time in two weeks.
God, Ive missed her. She feels so good. So familiar.
She smells good, she tastes good, she is good. Ive missed her so damn much. I kiss her cheek and her chin and her forehead, and I love that Im so relieved to have her here. For the past few days, I began to fear that I wouldnt have this reaction the next time I saw her.
I have to go really bad. Long drive. She winces and points to the door behind her, and I give her another quick kiss. Once shes inside the bathroom, I slowly turn back around to gauge Sydneys reaction.
Ive been as upfront and honest with Sydney as I can possibly be about my feelings for Maggie, but I know its not easy for her to see me with Maggie. Theres just no way around it. Do I compromise my relationship with Maggie to spare Sydneys feelings? Or do I compromise Sydneys feelings to spare my relationship with Maggie? Unfortunately, theres no middle ground. No right choice. My actions are becoming split directly down the middle, just like my heart.
I face her, and our eyes meet briefly. She refocuses her attention down to the cake in front of her and inserts candles. When she finishes, she smiles and looks back up at me. She sees the concern in my expression, so she pats her chest and makes the okay sign with her hand.
Shes reassuring me that shes fine. I practically have to pry myself away from her every night, and then I maul my girlfriend right in front of herand shes reassuring me?
Her patience and understanding with this whole screwed-up situation should make me happy, but they have the opposite effect. They disappoint me, because they make me like her that much more.
I cant win for losing.
Oddly enough, Maggie and Sydney seem to be having fun together in the kitchen, prepping ingredients for a pot of chili. I couldnt hang, so I retreated to my room and claimed I had a lot of work to catch up on. As good as Sydney is with this, Im not as skilled. It was awkward for me every time Maggie would kiss me or sit on my lap or trail her fingers seductively up my chest. Which, come to think of it, was a bit odd. Shes never really all that touchy-feely when were hanging out, so shes either feeling a tad bit territorial, or she and Sydney have already been hitting the Pine-Sol.
Maggie comes into the bedroom just as Im shutting the laptop. She kneels down on the edge of the bed, leans forward, and inches her way toward me. Shes looking up at me with a flirtatious smile, so I set the laptop aside and smile back at her.
She crawls her way up my body until shes face-to-face with me, and then she sits back on her heels, straddling me. She cocks an eyebrow and tilts her head. You were checking out her ass.
Shit.
I was hoping that moment had come and gone.
I laugh and cup my hands around Maggies backside and scoot her a little closer. I let go and bring my hands back around in front of her and answer her. I walked out of my room to a rear end pointed toward my bedroom door. Im a guy. Guys notice things like that, unfortunately. I kiss her mouth, then pull back.
Shes not smiling. Shes really nice, Maggie signs. And pretty. And funny. And talented. And . . .
The insecurity in her words makes me feel like a jerk, so I grab her hands and still them. Shes not you, I tell her. No one can ever be you, Maggie. Ever.
She smiles halfheartedly and places her palms on the sides of my face and slowly runs them down to my neck. She leans forward and presses her mouth to mine with so much force I can feel the fear rolling off of her.
Fear that I put there.
I grab her face and kiss her with everything I have, doing all I can to erase her worries. The last thing this girl needs is something else to stress her out.
When she breaks apart from me, her features are still full of every single negative emotion Ive spent the past five years helping her drown out.
Ridge? She pauses, then drops her eyes while she blows out a long, controlled breath. The nervousness in her demeanor twists around my heart and squeezes it. She brings her eyes carefully back to mine. Did you tell her about me? Does she know? Her eyes search mine for an answer to the question she should never even feel the need to ask.
Does she not know me by now?
No. God, no, Maggie. Why would I do that? Thats always been your story to tell, not mine. I would never do that.
Her eyes fill with tears, and she tries to blink them away. I let my head fall back against the headboard. This girl still has no idea how far Ill go for her.
I lift my head away from the headboard and look her hard in the eyes. To the ends of the earth, Maggie, I sign, repeating our phrase to her.
She forces a sad smile. And back.
16.
Sydney
Someone is removing my clothes. Who in the hell is removing my clothes?
I begin slapping away the hand thats pulling my shorts down past my knees. I try to remember where I am, why Im here, and how I got here.