"Don't grab me, okay, just don't grab me." My voice was breathy, but I was a touch calmer. Calm enough not to fight the stupid blanket. Calm enough not to struggle so that Graham thought something was wrong with me. My pulse was still wild in my throat, like I'd choke on it, but I could think again.
Requiem was there on his knees, looming over both of us. The panic flared through me in a cold wash that left my fingertips tingling with static, but I fought it off this time. I tried to relax as he pulled at the edge of the blanket and started to ease us free.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I think I had a bad dream."
"No shit," Graham said, and he sounded slightly offended.
I'd apologized once, he wasn't getting it twice. Truth was I'd gotten claustrophobic from two things, a diving accident years ago, and waking up in a vampire's coffin. Waking up in the tight darkness with a dead body wrapped around you. The stuff of nightmares.
There was a look on Requiem's face that was eloquent. He knew I was lying, and I didn't care. I made it policy not to parade my phobias in front of people. Never let people see what really scares you, they may use it against you later.
When he pulled enough blanket, I scrambled out, and was damn rude getting out of the Jeep. But I felt better as soon as I hit the open air. I took in deep breaths of the cool night air. About the time I got myself calmer, my lower body started to be cold. Shit.
"You're shivering again," Requiem said, from right behind me.
I jumped, because I hadn't heard him slide out of the car. "I'm alright."
"No, you are not."
I frowned at him.
Graham slid out of the backseat. "He's right."
I frowned at them both. "It doesn't matter how I feel. I've got a job to do."
"Yes, you have a job to do, but how you feel still matters," Requiem said.
I opened the front door and got my gym bag out of the seat. I didn't leave it graveside because of the machete. The machete might only be magical in my hand, or in another animator's hand, but it was still a damn long blade, and I didn't trust civilians around it.
I shut the door, hit the beeper to lock it, and started walking back to the grave with the bag in hand. I'd gone about four feet into the grass, when I tripped and nearly fell.
Requiem's hand was at my elbow. "You are not well."
I stood there and let him steady me. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Usually raising the dead makes me feel good, better."
"Tonight did not go as planned."
I shook my head. "No, it didn't. Part of that was my fault."
"No," he said.
"Yes," I said, "I got distracted by all that new power and forgot to put up a protective circle. It keeps the zombie in, but it also keeps other things out. A lot of metaphysical shit likes to mess with bodies, if they get the chance. I knew better."
"You were distracted."
"Yeah."
"Can I carry the bag for you?" Graham asked, though I noticed he was staying just out of reach. I wondered how hard I'd hit him in the ribs. I hadn't hurt him, but I was more than human strong now, and I could have hurt him.
"Yeah, thanks," I said.
He took the bag and then stood to one side and let Requiem and me go first. The vampire kept his hand on my elbow, and I let him. I was getting cold again.
"I've lost more blood than this before and not felt this bad," I said, softly. One group of cars had left the cemetery, the group that had brought the suit. The lawyers from the winning side were at graveside, and there was a cheerful murmur of voices, as the descendants got to talk to their patriarch. He had a big booming laugh.
"Have you fed tonight?" Requiem asked. His voice brought me back to the dark and how far we still had to walk. It seemed like a long way, but it wasn't that far, it just wasn't.
"Yeah, I had dinner."
He shook his head. "That is not what I meant."
I thought about it for a second, or two, then said, "You mean like the ardeur?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, I fed off of you and Byron."
"No," he said, "you were feeding for Jean-Claude. He got that energy."
"I guess so. But if the ardeur needs feeding it just flares up, and I have to feed." I put my hand on his arm, because my legs were feeling wobbly.
"Perhaps you have gained more control over it?"
"What does that mean?"
"It means you can go without feeding it, until you choose to feed it."
I stopped walking and looked up at him. "What?"
"You have many of the symptoms of a vampire that has not fed enough. The blood lust rules us at first, but once we are masters, then we can go without feeding if we must. We can choose to feed."
"But I feel like shit."
"The choice comes with a price," he said.
"I'm confused," I said.
"I think it took a great deal more energy from you than it should have to raise this zombie and fight what the Ulfric did by accident. I think it took energy to defeat Primo. To feed on Byron and myself. I think that took not just physical energy, but mental, as well. You are not a creature of casual lusts, and I think it cost you more than you will admit to feed your master tonight."
I would have argued the master part, but it was becoming a case of the lady protesting too much. "So what do I do?"
"You need to feed," he said simply.
I gave him a look.
He smiled and raised a hand as if to prove he was innocent. "It does not have to be me, or even Graham. It does not have to be this moment, but it must be soon, Anita. Surely, you feel that."
I just stood there and stared at him. I'd wished for control of the ardeur for so long, and now I had it, sort of. I didn't have to feed unless I wanted to, but if I waited too long, I'd get sick. I shook my head. "I thought control of the ardeur meant you could just skip it and not feed it at all."
"Who told you that?"
I started to say, Jean-Claude, then stopped. What had he said about the ardeur? That I'd gain control of it. That I'd learn how to feed from a distance. Had he ever promised that it would go away? No, he hadn't. I'd just wanted control to mean it would be gone. No one had promised that. No one. Shit.
"No one," I said, "I just heard it that way. I wanted the ardeur to be gone. I wanted it to go away, so I just kept thinking that's what it would mean."
"I am sorry to be the one to tell you that it is not so."
I looked at his face, studied it. "You sound like you know what you're talking about."
"I do not carry the ardeur. To hold the complete ardeur as our dark mistress does is very rare, even among her own bloodline."
"Then how do you know that that's what's happening to me?"
"Logic," he said, "and just because I do not carry it, does not mean I have not seen one who did."
"Who?'
"Ligeia." He turned away as he said the name so I couldn't see his face.
"I don't know the name, at least not as a vamp."
"It does not matter, for she is dead."
I touched his face. "What happened?" I asked.
He looked at me, but his face held that distance that the old ones have when they don't want you to know what they're thinking. "Belle Morte killed her."
"Why do I feel like I should say I'm sorry for asking?"
He gave me the smallest of smiles. "Because you are not insensitive."
That one comment let me know that Ligeia's death meant a lot more to him than just another cruel death. She'd meant something to him, and it was none of my business.
"The customers are getting restless," Graham called back to us. He was standing a little ahead of us with my bag in his hands. He'd given us privacy like a good bodyguard.
I looked past him and saw one of the lawyers waving at us. Restless indeed.
"Even if I was willing, I don't think they'd wait while we went back to the car to feed the ardeur."
He gave me a real smile this time, with enough humor to drive out the blankness in his eyes. "I fear you are right."
"Then we muscle through this, and you guys can drive me back to the club."
"Where your pomme de sang waits," he said.
"Yeah." I wondered if I was going to get back in time to see any of Nathaniel's dance. I suddenly saw Nathaniel in front of a mirror. He was putting eyeliner around his lavender eyes. He stopped in the middle of it and said, "Anita?"--a question like he wasn't sure.
Requiem had both my arms now. I'd have gone to my knees, if he hadn't caught me. "Anita, what happened?"
"I thought about my pomme de sang, and I could see him. He's getting ready to go on." I was dizzy, and when Requiem cradled me against him, I didn't complain. "I've had mind-to-mind communication with Richard and Jean-Claude. It's never been this draining."
Requiem picked me up, and again I was wishing I'd worn a longer skirt. God knew what he was flashing the graveside with. But I couldn't stand, the world was swimming. "Jean-Claude is the master of your triumvirate with the Ulfric, but you are the master of Nathaniel and Damian. It is your power that makes this partnership move, and that, too, uses energy."
"Does everyone know what happened between the three of us?"
"No, he told only Asher and myself, among his vampires. Perhaps his own pomme de sang, Jason. He keeps little from him."
I frowned at him, as the world stopped spinning. "Why you?"
"I am his third, after Asher."
News to me, though of the vamps I'd met, I couldn't think of anyone I'd have preferred for the job. The night was solid again. "I think I can walk."
He looked doubtful.
"Let me try," I said.
He lowered me to the ground, but kept an arm around me like he expected me to collapse at any minute. I guess I couldn't blame him, but it bugged me anyway. I didn't collapse. Great. In fact, I felt pretty good, considering. I kept a hand through his arm, so it looked like he was escorting me the last little bit of the way. Only he and I, and maybe Graham, knew just how shaky I was feeling.