My face heated even more because I really did.
“My Queen is a very—” His curse was sharp, and the rhythm of his hips picked up. “Fuck.”
Casteel didn’t try to pull away. This time, he held me there as he came, his entire body shaking as the release took him. When his tremors subsided, I kissed the underside of his cock and then the faded brand on his hip before redoing his breeches. His hands slipped to my shoulders, but he didn’t draw me to my feet. Instead, he joined me on the ground, pulling me into his lap and against his chest. We were both still breathing a little fast as he redid the clasp on my breeches.
“There is something else we need to talk about,” he said as he straightened the edge of my vest.
My head was nestled under his chin as I watched the moon rise. We probably had a long list of things we needed to discuss, but I suspected I knew what was the most pressing. “The Joining?”
He folded his arms around me. “What are you thinking?”
A lot. In those quiet moments that followed, as the moon continued its nightly climb, I was thinking a lot. “I can’t bring wolven back,” I said finally, unsure if I had told him that when I’d bathed him at Stonehill. “Or draken. I can’t bring back any being of two worlds.”
Casteel said nothing.
“And Kieran…he was okay with that, even though it terrified me. Losing him.” Shuddering, I closed my eyes and drew in a staggered, too-short breath. “I can barely even think it.”
“Don’t.” Casteel’s fingertips grazed my cheek as he tilted my chin up and back. I opened my eyes. “You’re not going to lose Kieran.”
“I want to believe that.” I turned my head, kissing the palm of his injured hand. “I want to believe that we’ll find Malec, and that Isbeth won’t betray us. That we’ll take Carsodonia and suffer no losses. That we will survive this, and everyone we care about will, too. But that’s a fairy-tale ending. A perfect one that most likely won’t become reality.”
Casteel traced the lines of my face, and for a moment, I soaked up the feel of his touch, letting there be nothing but that. “We can make it the closest thing to reality.”
“With the Joining,” I whispered.
His gaze returned to mine as he nodded. “It won’t protect everyone.”
My chest ached. “If I could Join with all those I care about, as awkward as that would be,” I said, and Casteel gave me a half-grin, “I would. But I don’t think it works that way, does it?”
“I don’t think so.”
I sighed. “But it will offer Kieran and you a better level of protection. Right? It could supersede this curse.”
“Right.” He moved his thumb to my lower lip. “We would live as long as you. The way you age, however that will be, will also be the way we age.” He lowered his head, kissing me. “But it’s a big decision, Poppy. It will not just be your life that you bear the weight of. It will be mine and Kieran’s.”
“But as the Queen, don’t I already bear the weight of the lives of all our people?” I asked. “Don’t you?”
A faint smile appeared as the sweet and rich, clove-y taste of cinnamon reached me. Love. Pride. I kissed his thumb. “You do. We both do. But this is different.” With his other hand, he tucked several strands of my hair back behind my ear. “The Joining can be intense.”
Warmth crept up my throat. “I know.”
“Even if it doesn’t become something sexual, the sheer intimacy of the act goes beyond that.”
I swallowed. “What does it actually entail?” I asked, unsure that what little Alastir had said was true.
“It has to be under the moon, among nature. I don’t know why, but that’s a part of the unknown when it comes to how it works. There’s a…magical quality to it that goes beyond blood. There have been rumors of it not working in the past—like the intentions to do it were not genuine or something,” he shared. “But other than that unknown part, there can be nothing between us. And, yes, by nothing, I mean clothing.”
My face began to warm even more. “Oh.”
“All of us would have to be bare and open to one another. To the elements and to the Fates,” he explained, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the mention of the Arae. “We must remain in contact with one another throughout the entire ritual.”
“And we would drink from one another?”
“You would feed from us first.” His fingers dropped to the skin below the sensitive bite on the side of my neck as he went into more detail. It was a lot, and my body already felt as if it were as red as the Blood Forest. “You can see how things can…escalate into more.”