“The news articles. About Zane. The drugs… me…”
“They weren’t ever supposed to find out about you, but you had to be a slut in public with him, didn’t you? I just didn’t want him working with the charity anymore.”
“And the drugs?”
“That could be true. You don’t know.”
“I do know,” I reply calmly. “And you know too.”
“Look, I saved you, didn’t I? The press isn’t crawling all over you. I told them you ran off to Mississippi because that’s where you’re from.”
“That isn’t true!”
“They don’t know that.”
All of this is so crazy, I can barely stand it. “You’ve lost it, Jeremy.”
“I just want you back, that’s all. I want our perfect life back. Is that too much to ask?”
“Perfect? It isn’t perfect, it never had been.”
He cocks his head and tries to give me the weirdest version of puppy dog eyes that I’ve ever seen. “But it can be. I can forgive what you did wrong and you can forgive me. Fuck all that stuff you said before, we can just have a good time. Don’t you think? A real marriage this time?”
It would be so easy to just say yes. Not because I want to, just for an easy life, but I don’t. I shake my head and do what I can to shut this idea down completely before it gets legs.
“Jeremy, I don’t think we can. This is what I’m trying to tell you…”
“I’ll change,” he promises me with a mania dancing behind his eyes. “This has all made me see how much I love you, how wrong I’ve been to treat you like I have. I want to make it up to you, to be better. I will be the man you need me to be.”
A while back, these words might have sucked me back in. I might have wanted to give him another shot, but there’s just no chance now. I cannot go back to that life. I don’t know what I’m saying wrong, why he can’t see what I’m trying to say. I might have to try a different, riskier tactic.
“Jeremy.” I start soft so not to put his back up right away. “I will never be able to love you again, not after seeing what real affection is like.”
“Urgh, what from your lover? That disgusts me.” He screws up his nose to prove a point. “You disgust me. You have known me for years and him for about five minutes.”
“Yes, and he’s treated me right, not the way you treated me at all.”
“He will though. He might start off all nice, men always do. But then their primal side comes out. You know, you seem to think you’re something very special, worthy of being faithful to, but in all honesty, no woman is. Men aren’t designed to be faithful, it just won’t happen. Monogamy is something invented by women to tie men down, it isn’t real, it’s not practical. So, why not stay with a man who can at least give you a good life?”
“So, now you’re saying you will still cheat on me?”
“I’m saying monogamy isn’t possible. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy.”
I screw up my nose in horror, unable to believe what I’m hearing. I’ve had some crazy things said to me over the years, but this must be the worst. It’s almost like he doesn’t hear himself. Maybe he doesn’t realize what he’s saying.
“Many men are faithful…”
“No, they aren’t. They are just better at lying. I respect you too much to lie to you.”
“Oh wow, thank you for that,” I shot back sarcastically. “That’s so lovely.”
“Don’t be like that, Nova, just listen to what I’m saying.”
“You know, I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I’ve spent years listening to you, believing you, trusting you, and you’ve thrown it all back in my face.”
Maybe at some point, I’ll feel really good to say all this to Jeremy, but right now I’m too numb to feel amazing for finally telling this idiot everything. I just want him gone. I’m still worrying about Clara, I’m still aware this could take a turn, and I just want it done.
“I haven’t thrown anything back in anyone’s face, don’t be a bitch again…”