; “Twenty eight years,” I snap. “I am twenty eight years old. If you aren’t quite sure.”
“I know, I’m just saying…” She shakes her head, deciding to dismiss my issues. “Anyway, I’m more clear headed now. Not clean, obviously.” She waves the cigarette at me, confirming my worst suspicions. “But on less stuff. So, now it seems like a good time to see you again. Especially now that you are a big shot.” She tries to smile but even that appears to hurt her face. “With all the money in the world, I bet. In Hollywood.”
Oh God, it’s starting to sound like she just came to look for me because I have money now. I’m too scared to even ask because I really don’t want to know what the answer is. I’m scared that it will be bad.
“So, you been looking after your father, I bet?” She winks and blows a plume of smoke too near to my face for my liking. “Financially I mean. I get that he probably deserves more than me because he has been around more, but I can be around too. Especially if I pay off my drug debts, you know? I have a lot of guys after me who want to hurt me because I can’t afford to pay them back. That’s why I’m laying low and I thought that while I am here, I could reconnect with my son and ask him this favor. You know, make sure I’m around for longer.”
“You want money?” Yep, my worst fears have been confirmed. She hasn’t asked a damn thing about me. Even if she has read about me in the news, she hasn’t asked anything about me at all. I don’t feel like I should be here.
“Just a bit, to pay some people off, maybe get enough stuff to get me through the next few weeks. Like I said, I’m not clean yet. But I can be if you need me to be your mother. I can make it work.”
Trying not to fall apart I grab out my wallet and pull out everything inside of it. “I don’t know how much is here, but you can have it. I have to… I need to get out of here …”
As I back away towards the door, she hungrily grabs at the cash, not even bothering to look at me go. She doesn’t ask for a contact number or anything and I’m pretty sure that’s because she has what she wants from me. I am nothing to her and now I will fade into the background of her life all over again.
I need to get out of here, I need to block this out, this is hell.
Chapter Thirty
Darcy
January 22nd
I never thought that I would be back here again, this definitely wasn’t in the plans. But as I stand outside of my parent’s home with my fist up, ready to knock, I know that I don’t have any choice. This is the only place for me and all I can do is grovel, tell my mother that she was right, and start over. Pick myself back up again.
It will be fine, I tell myself, desperately trying to convince my brain that I’m right. This is my family.
The family love is all that will pull us through here. I need it more than ever before, it’s the only choice that we have. The unconditional kind of love that can overcome anything, no matter how painful. But because I’m not one hundred percent convinced that I have it unconditionally, I am knocking rather than bursting in using my key. Plus, I’m a little scared of my mother changing the locks and me finding out that I’m not welcome.
Knock, knock. My hand shakes as I finally make that move. Maybe even my whole body. Knock, knock.
Everything inside of me stiffens as the door swings open, I half prepare myself for a battle, but when I find my father’s warm eyes looking back at me, I release all of that. He might follow my mother in the way that he wants what is best for me, but he has been a rock since I was away, someone I can talk to which has brought us much closer. I know that out of everyone, he will help me now in my hour of need. And this really is that.
“Darcy!” he gasps in shock as his eyes explore my face questioningly, searching me. “You’re back?”
I nod, glad that he doesn’t seem to need to ask if everything has fallen apart because it must be written all over me. I don’t exactly what to go into detail now. I just need some time and space to get my head back in order.
“Well, come in.” He ushers me inside. “And let me get your suitcase. Take a seat, I will make some tea.”
I don’t know where my mother is, nor do I need to. Instead, I happily go with my father to the kitchen and I sit at the breakfast bar while he puts the kettle on to warm me up with a hot drink. Inhaling the all too familiar scent of home calms down everything inside of me that has been freaked out. I need familiarity, I need home.
Yep, this is clearly where I need to be, this is so much better than LA. I can already feel the Darcy McNeill that I have always been, inhabiting my body once more. She must have left me, and I didn’t even realize it, which makes me so glad to have her back again. I can be me at last. I have missed me.
“Thank you, Dad.” I take the mug of tea and sip it immediately, loving the way that it makes me feel. “I needed this. It was a long journey, and well… it’s been a bit of a long day as well. A long week even.”
“It doesn’t look like you want to talk about it right now,” he says observantly. “But when you are ready, I’m here for you. Whatever went on… well, it can’t be the end of the world, can it, because you are here.”
“I suppose you’re right.” I smile thinly. “I’m still standing, so that’s something to be glad about.”
We fall into a comfortable silence and continue to sip our drinks. The silence is filled with love and warmth which I really need, but it also brings waves of exhaustion over me. Waves that are hard to contain. Much as I want to stay here and stick with my father for a little while longer, I desperately need to sleep.
“I think that I might go up to bed, if you don’t mind.” I scrape back my stool as I rise to my feet. “Get some rest and figure out what the hell I’m going to do tomorrow. I need to figure my life out…”
Dad parts his lips, just about to say something else, but as the words fall apart on his tongue before they leave his mouth, the color drains from his face. I think I know what’s happened before I even turn around.
“You are back,” Mom’s voice rings out from behind me, flooding the whole house. “What are you doing back now? After you ran off and haven’t bothered to be in touch for all this time? I guess I was right, huh?”
I force myself to turn around and look at her, because a small part of me wants to torture myself by adding her angry facial expression in to this already horrible moment. “Hi, Mom, yes I’m back but not for long…”