but I have to go. I’m already falling apart; I can’t really lose it in public.
I drive home, but I don’t go inside. I park in my usual place but head to a bar instead. I can’t be inside, alone with my thoughts, or I might end up driving back there to confront Raelyn. I need noise, I need other people, and most importantly I need booze. I need to block my mind, I cannot think anymore, and I need to be too wasted to get back into the car so I don’t risk anything.
Maybe what I need to do is find a woman of my own to spend my night with. Certainly not the love of my life, I think I have already established that I’m completely unlovable and that is something that is never going to happen for me, but maybe someone tonight to help me forget.
That’s all I need to do is forget.
16
Raelyn
“…so, yes, it was rather funny really. Everyone laughed at me, but in a nice way of course. No one would ever laugh at me nastily. They all have a very high opinion of me, you know?”
Huh? Oh God, I don’t know what the hell Thomas is talking about, I lost track ages ago. I didn’t mean to drift off, but he’s just so boring. So dull, and pretty self-obsessed too. I don’t know how he managed to act like a completely different person in messages, but he certainly isn’t the person I thought that he was going to be.
“Oh right.” I smile weakly, hoping that I can just skate over the fact that I wasn’t listening. “I see.”
“Hmm, but of course, I won the award anyway. I mean, why wouldn’t I? I’m the best there.”
“Yes. I’m sure you are.” Won what? Should I try and find out? “That’s erm… yeah.”
I don’t like him. That’s the sad fact. I don’t like him one bit. I was already a little weirded out when he said that he worked near me so he might as well pick me up from work. That made me uncomfortable and I didn’t want things to get awkward with Carter. Thank goodness he wasn’t there to see it, as the last thing I want is to upset him in any way, not that I’m convinced he cares that much about me. Then there were his over the top efforts to look like a gentleman. I don’t mind a car door being opened for me, it can be nice, but he went on and on about it like he deserved a medal. Plus, the kiss on the cheek, or an attempted one, was too much. I didn’t like it at all.
I need to get out of here. I need to make an escape to leave. I already know that this is a waste of our time, but I can’t just do it without a good reason. He drove here, the food is on the table, I need to just suck it up.
It won’t be much longer, I remind myself. It’s going to be fine. He isn’t the weirdest.
He isn’t, that much is true, but he isn’t anywhere near the best either. There will never be a spark between us. Not like there is between Carter and I. Thomas isn’t the man who’s going to help me forget what Carter and I shared.
“So, have you won any awards?” Thomas asks, actually talking about me for just a moment. “I mean, I’ve won lots, like I said to you, and I suppose your business is a small one, but…”
“It’s growing,” I shoot back, indignantly. I am not about to be made to feel small for the size of my company. “I have worked freaking hard for it, and it’s growing all the time.”
He lets out a little snort. “Hmm, okay, I didn’t mean to piss you off with that remark.”
“I just don’t want anyone to belittle what I have worked so hard for.”
He rolls his eyes. He actually rolls his eyes at me. A flame of fury burns deep inside my soul. I scrape my chair backwards, about ready to leave, when Thomas reaches his hand out to me.
“Come on. Don’t be like that. It doesn’t need to get weird. I’m just trying to find out more about you.”
Am I being sensitive? I do feel like this whole mess with Carter is affecting me in ways that it shouldn’t. I’m jumping on anything that I can not to like him. Abbi would kick my ass for not at least giving him a chance. He might not seem perfect on a first date, but no one does. I’m sure I’m not at the best myself.
“Look, I just don’t like people to speak to me like that, okay?” I cock an eyebrow at him.
“Sure, sure, that’s fine. Let’s just carry on eating, shall we? Forget about all of this.”
“Are you going to treat me with a bit more respect?”
He grits his teeth. “Yes, of course I am. I’m not a child. I understand.”
Urgh, if only I had my own car. I knew this was a mistake. “Right, okay.”
“Let’s just start again. Forget any of that happened, okay?”
I do as he asks, but it isn’t long before he’s back to droning on about himself again. This is the place where he seems to be most comfortable, so it’s better to just leave him at it. I think it’s safe to say that I’m not ever going to see him again. No matter what Abbi says. I can keep her happy by letting her know that I will stick to the online dating and keep on trying. She didn’t meet Randall right away, so I need to continue trying.
At least the food is good, I think miserably to myself. It tastes better than take out…