For a moment, there was something in me that ached to decline the call with Leanne, all so that I could get on the phone with Daniel instead. To tell him I was sorry for the previous night, for the way the trial had gone, for the way I had handled things with Duncan, for the way I had told him I had handled things with Duncan.
Not that any of those apologies would solve anything if he just wanted some space.
Not that I was sure that I wanted to apologize and go see him right now when I knew he could still be so angry. Or possibly even angrier than he had been the last time I had seen him.
In that moment, I realized the crux of it, what it really came down to: I was scared of Daniel. And I hated that feeling. What was more, he didn’t deserve for me to feel that way. He had never done anything to hurt me before, and I didn’t believe that he would. My fears were ungrounded. But logic couldn’t change the way I felt in my heart.
I couldn’t call Daniel right then. Better to get the call with Leanne over with, though, before she thought of all the difficult questions to ask. “Hey,” I said weakly when I picked up the phone.
“Hey!” Leanne said, and I could tell from the false cheer in her voice that she could hear the unhappiness in my one-word answer. “This news is all so terrible. I just wanted to call and make sure that you were okay and to see if you needed anything. I’m so sorry for how things happened at the trial.”
I sighed, trying to think of what to say to that. Should I tell her about the night before? Should I tell her about Duncan? But no. Despite Daniel’s assurances that he would have treated the Duncan situation the same way, I still felt foolish about it all. I never should have misjudged the man like that. And not only that, but once I found out that I had misjudged him, I should have elevated the issue to Daniel. I didn’t even really have the ability to fire people; I was just Daniel’s advisor.
I had overstepped. Daniel really had every right to yell at me.
But he hadn’t even yelled at me over that, I reminded myself. No, he had yelled at me because he didn’t even believe me when I told him about Duncan. Because he didn’t trust my instincts, let alone trust my ability to run an office. And why should he? After all, I was just a pair of legs he had hired.
I couldn’t let Gerrard’s words get to me, though. Surely Erin or someone else would have taken pity on me, or at least been jealous and spiteful toward me, if Daniel had really slept with all the available women in the office before moving on to me?
“Hey, you okay over there?” Leanne asked, drawing me back to the present conversation.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” I said faintly. I cleared my throat. “Things aren’t quite as bad as what the media would have you believe,” I added wryly, wishing I could believe those words in that statement.
The rest of the conversation with Leanne was a blur, mainly me telling her that we didn’t need any help. She seemed certain that there must be a ring of media outside of Daniel’s mansion, and maybe there was. I wouldn’t know since I wasn’t there. All I could do was tell her that we were fine, that we didn’t need anything. I knew that part of her desire to help out came in response to how helpful Daniel had been when Matt was in the hospital.
That was barely any time at all ago. How had things gone so wrong so quickly?
Finally, I managed to get off the phone with Leanne. Not that there was much else that I needed to do that afternoon. My desire to call Daniel had waned; it was probably for the best that I give him a little more time to cool off.
And best to give myself a little more time to get over what it was I had done. To get things straight in my head, to come to terms with it. To figure out if I could ever be a CEO one day, or what I was going to do if not. Would I be happy just being an advisor for the rest of my life? Never having any real control, but also not having to worry about the responsibilities?
I hated that I was even questioning that. And after only two days of being a temporary CEO as well. I knew, now, that I should have pushed back harder when Daniel had suggested having me as his stand-in during the trial. I should have told him that I didn’t feel ready for it, that I didn’t feel prepared.
But instead, I had let him put me in a bad situation, one that I had been uncomfortable in. I had no one to blame except myself.
I sighed when my phone buzzed with a text from him. You have every reason to ignore me. I’m sorry for how I behaved. When you’re ready, can we talk about it?
I could practically hear the guilt and pain in his voice. At least he clearly knew that his yelling had been out of line. But that didn’t make me feel any better about the whole situation. No, I had to figure some things out in my head before I was ready to talk to him about any of it. I just had to hope he would understand.
If not, maybe it would just be proof that he was just the man I had tried to convince myself that he wasn’t.
I sighed. Why did loving him have to be so difficult sometimes?
Chapter 13
Daniel
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN that I wasn’t going to be able to avoid the world forever. When Abby had walked out of my place on Friday night, I had been hurt and confused and, most of all, alone. I had drunk myself into a stupor and ended up passing out in an armchair in my study for a while, until the diffuse light of dawn was just brushing the world outside. I had woken with a t
errible crick in my neck, feeling no better about things than I had the night before.
In fact, I felt worse. Now, in the light of day, I realized just how badly I had fucked up. I had yelled at Abby. I still remembered the way she had stepped back away from me. Like she wanted nothing to do with me.
And why should she? I had known how worried she was about the idea of being my interim CEO. I never should have pushed her. Because I had pushed her, for all my talk of letting her make her own decision. I had never made it clear to her that there was really any other option. I had pushed her into a role she didn’t feel comfortable with, she’d had to make a difficult decision, and she had walked away from the whole thing with her confidence shattered.
Then, instead of building her back up again, I had torn her even further down. I had acted like she couldn’t possibly know what was going on around the office, like she was acting irrationally.
The truth was, I had just been so shocked by the very idea of Duncan asking those questions around the office. I hadn’t wanted to believe that he could ever betray me like that. Especially not when I had just gotten back from dealing with one asshole at court.