I hadn’t realized just how interested in her I was until I had reached out and lightly touched the back of her hand. And even then, I had been sure that it was just physical attraction, that if I could get far enough away from her, to the other side of the office,
then maybe I could forget about it.
I should have known that it wouldn’t work that way. But I had never banked on her being interested in me as well.
She had really done such a good job of hiding her own feelings. But it was like all of a sudden, they had swelled in an intense crescendo of desire, until we were like two magnets that didn’t have a hope in the world of keeping away from each other.
I couldn’t blame it all on her, though. She might have been the one to come toward me, at first. She might have been the one staring so boldly at my lips. But I would never have been able to stop myself from reaching for her, to stop myself from bending down and kissing those soft, pink lips of hers.
What would happen next? Well, Abby had made it pretty damn clear she didn’t really want to do this. Maybe it wasn’t that she wasn’t interested. No, I had been able to see want clear in her eyes. I’d been able to feel it in the way she had trembled against me, pressing her body closer to mine. But I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to get involved with her boss.
I remembered what she had said right before she ran out of there. She had asked if I was mad at her. Of course I wasn’t mad at her. No, far from it. Because how could I possibly be mad at her for doing the same thing I had wanted to do for so long? Since she had first come into my office, maybe.
But she thought that I might fire her. She thought, in spite of the fact that she had told me she didn’t read those stupid tabloid articles, that I might fire her over something like this. She thought that I was utterly lacking in integrity.
That hurt, I had to admit. Then again, though, I should never have kissed her. Or let her kiss me. Whatever had happened in here.
“Everything okay?”
I started, staring guiltily at the doorway where Erin stood, her arms folded across her chest as she raised an eyebrow at me. I swore inwardly. Of course other people would have noticed the way that Abby had darted out of there. She hadn’t exactly been subtle about it; she had almost fallen over when she had knocked into the doorframe hard, her shoulder catching on the smooth wood.
It had been almost adorable at the time, watching how flustered she was. If only I were allowed to tell her how cute I really thought she was. But now, I was worried about what everyone else in the office must be thinking. They knew my reputation just as well as Abby did. As well as anyone did. What did they suspect?
I swallowed, remembering what Erin had said before, about her parents warning her away from working for me. What was I supposed to tell her? That her parents’ fears were legitimate? Not that I wanted to kiss Erin or anything. But Abby? If she were back there in my office, if she were still pressed up against me? I wasn’t sure that I would be able to hold back again. I might even press for more than just a kiss.
It was wrong, it was all so wrong. A woman like Abby, you didn’t meet women like that all the time. No, she was special. And she knew that she was special; that was part of the charm to her. I should have asked her out on a date before I ever tried anything with her. I shouldn’t have let the attraction I felt for her screw everything up between the two of us.
Except that, shit, it wasn’t like I could ask her for a date. She was my employee. What the hell was wrong with me?
“I kissed Abby,” I suddenly blurted out to Erin, feeling guilt well up inside of me. These women trusted me. Their families had told them that they probably shouldn’t come to work for me. Abby had stood up to her brother for me. She had insisted that I wasn’t just interested in sleeping with her. She had literally just finished telling me about that.
I felt a sick feeling bloom inside of me as I wondered what would happen next. From the way that Abby had rushed out of there, I had to wonder whether she was even planning on coming back. Oh, she had asked if I was angry with her. She hadn’t looked like she wanted to quit, more like she was scared that I might fire her.
And maybe I should. She was my advisor; she was supposed to be there by my side today while I went to the meetings we had scheduled for the day. She was going to get behind on all the accounts that she had spent so much time studying the previous week.
But I couldn’t blame her for wanting to get out of there. In fact, it was probably best for the both of us that she take the rest of the day off, just so that we could both clear our heads a little. Even though I knew that we could never kiss again, though, even though I knew that we could never be involved with each other, I couldn’t help but selfishly want her back at work. She was damned good at what she did. There was no way I could fire her.
I didn’t want to lose her, though, and I knew that we were on thin ice already. One more mistake from me and I would lose her for good, I was sure. But it wasn’t just about Abby, I realized suddenly. It was about Erin too, and about the rest of the women in the office. If they found out I had kissed Abby, would they suddenly wonder if I was harboring desires for them as well? Would Erin feel uncomfortable now, thinking that I might try something with her if the thing with Abby didn’t work out?
I sure hoped not. Not because Erin wasn’t attractive. But I just had never thought about her that way. I had never thought about an employee like this before.
It was so fucked-up.
Erin, for her part, just shook her head at me. There was judgment written clearly on her face, but she didn’t seem to know what to say to me.
I held up both my hands, feeling ashamed with myself. “I know I messed up,” I said. I paused and grimaced. “I guess this is exactly why your parents warned you against working for me, isn’t it?”
Even I could hear how tortured my voice sounded. I couldn’t stop thinking about how desperately I wanted to call Abby and just make sure that she was okay. I shouldn’t have kissed her like that. I should never have put a hand on her.
I didn’t know what had really possessed me to do something like that. But then again, it was Abby.
Erin sighed and shook her head. “Sit down,” she said, dropping into the seat across my desk from me. “You’re being silly.”
“How am I being silly?” I demanded, folding my arms across my chest. In a stubborn, ornery state, I didn’t sit down. I wasn’t mad at her, but her words just didn’t make any sense.
I saw the smile that made the corners of her mouth twitch upward for a moment. “I just don’t think you messed up so badly.”
“I kissed her,” I repeated, as though Erin might not have heard me properly the first time.