I just hope it doesn’t run out before she comes back to me.
Because in the end, we belong together. Even if there’s one more second left in this world, we belong together.
I can promise you that.
SADIE
It only took me two months to realize that I made a gigantic mind-blowing mistake. Two whole months. Denial took up most of those two months. Isn’t that a thing? Five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance? I unquestionably denied the fact that I ripped my own heart out and fed it to the wolves. I pretended that Rowen and I never happened. It got to the point that even Alicia was concerned. I brushed off any conversation she wanted to have about him. I avoided talking about him at all costs with Hannah Marie and Anna and even my parents. My dad was thrilled, of course. He didn’t want to talk about Rowen, ever again. And I was right there with him.
After having a l
ong conversation with my mom about facing “whatever it was that happened between Rowen and I,” I landed smack dab in the anger stage. I was pissed. I was so freaking pissed off at myself that I wanted to bang my head off the wall repeatedly until I forgot his name. How could I have been so damn stupid to let myself fall for him, again? After everything? After everything we had been through I should have known that it wouldn’t end up good. Rowen and I are like this giant ticking time bomb, ready to explode at the first little hiccup, and did we ever. Explode, that is. I haven’t talked to him at all. I ignored every single call he made for the next few weeks after I left for college. He even went so far as to call Alicia, who also ignored him, per my request.
Then came the bargaining. “I’ll only look on his social media to make sure he’s okay, that he’s happy.” But, Alicia wouldn’t let me and I didn’t want to start my own social media just to stalk my ex-ex-boyfriend. That was a little ridiculous and borderline close to being that same seventeen year old who nursed a broken heart years ago.
So, after the bargaining had passed, the depression and acceptance came in waves. I cried and cried and cried for the stupid decision(s) I’d made; not only getting involved with Rowen again, but falling in love, and then running away like a little schoolgirl who was offered candy from the creep in the white van. I played the words that James spewed to me over and over again during my binge ice cream devouring marathons for weeks on end. A detour. I had no idea what that crazy old man was talking about until one day, it just clicked. I was in my senior thesis class, absentmindedly scrawling notes and BOOM, it connected. It hit me harder than a head-on collision crash.
I didn’t want to forget about the last four years of my life; some of my best memories were in those four years. My first kiss with Rowen, my first real laugh after the attack, the second time I fell in love with him. I didn’t want to forget, I couldn’t forget about those things, just like I couldn’t forget about him leaving me and breaking my heart. I would pray that all the bad would go away. That I could be normal again. That I could fall in love and not have this undeniable feeling creeping up my back but it never went away.
Then it just clicked; I didn’t want to forget all of the painful memories between Rowen and I because that’s what formed this new passionate, bottomless love for him. The way I love him so fiercely is because of the pain. I needed to embrace it, I needed to remember that I did pick myself back up after the attack, I picked myself up after my best friend betrayed me, and I picked myself up when Rowen left me. I picked myself up. The detour was embracing it. I had to embrace it all, not hide it under a ratty old kitchen rug. I wouldn’t be able to stop Rowen or anyone from breaking my heart but I could learn to make myself happy again. I could learn how to make myself feel full again. I understood. I understood the detour; I just needed to get around all the damn roadblocks in my way. I finally understood the wisest words I have ever heard, and they all came from a sweet old man who leads such a simple life.
And that’s why I’m about to go find Rowen, right now. I sprang out of my chair, leaving my notes on my desk, and high-tailed it to my car. UNC isn’t that far from Duke, and besides, even if he was on the other side of the country right now soaking up California rays, I’d still drive my tiny Ford all the way over there.
This was something I had to do in person. I needed to grab him by the face and pour my deranged heart out to him. I was so stupid to let our love go because I was scared, because I was scared of the past. It’s never going to go away; and it’s time to face those steep hills. You only get one life, right?
The moment I shut my car door and turn the key in the ignition, I get the eerie feeling that someone is watching me. Campus isn’t extremely busy at the moment; there are only a few students lollygagging around during the early afternoon, but there’s one person in the distance, staring directly at me.
Her bright pink dress stands out against the blue sky and green grass; she looks like a movie star with her bright blonde hair cut close to her head. It’s styled in a way that only models can pull off, or Hallie Berry.
I stare at her for little longer and twist my head to the side. That’s when my eyes almost fall out of my head. “Holy shit,” I whisper, as the girl starts walking towards my car with her right arm up, waving.
Samantha.
What is she doing here?
My fingers skim over the automatic button on my door panel and soon my passenger side window is rolling down.
When Samantha appears in front of it, I scan her face. She looks different. Skinnier, but healthy. Her high cheekbones are shining brightly with a pink hue, and then she smiles and it’s… genuine.
“Hi, Sadie,” she says, smiling even bigger.
“What—what… ” At a complete loss for words, I shake my head and start again. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, I came here to see you.” Samantha bends down and crosses her arms on the ledge of my window. If she had an ulterior plan to be the world’s biggest bitch, like usual, I could just push the window button and bye-bye she’d go. But something seems different, so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.
When I don’t muster up a response, she continues. “I was on my way to your apartment and then sure enough, I saw you getting into your car. In a hurry, might I add,” she chuckles. “I came here… ” She looks around for a brief second, then gestures to my door. “Do you mind?”
I feel leery but regardless, I let her in.
Once the door slams shut, and she adjusts her pink dress over her bony knees, she looks out the windshield, staring at the few students wandering about with book bags slung over their backs.
“I came here to say… I’m sorry.”
Silence fills the car. It’s a noticeable silence, too. Filled with awkward tension. I don’t know what to say. I used to daydream about the day that Samantha would say sorry to me, what it would feel like to have such a long-lost friend, apologize for being… crazy. I used to think it wouldn’t matter but sitting here with her… it does.
“I wish I could say that I had this epic moment in my life that made me realize how bad of a person I was and how I wanted to apologize for being a bad friend to you. But it didn’t quite pan out like that… ” My eyebrows crinkle, waiting for her next words. “Sadie… ”
I turn my body towards her, taking in her face. Then I feel as if I’ve been slapped across the face. I was not expecting the next words out of her mouth. The words, “I had cancer.” I let out a gasp and leave my mouth hanging wide open.