I felt akin to Hanna for what she’d gone through. What we’d both gone through. The humiliations we’d endured at the hands of the Upper East Side. And I felt justified in my actions. In the way I was getting back at them.
Because I’d said from the beginning of all of this that I was not the first person that they’d hurt, nor would I be the last if they kept getting away with it. I was here to teach them a lesson. Lewis was already learning it. Katherine was well on her way. The admission about the first real bet, the one that had cemented the crew into perpetuity, just proved that I was doing the right thing. I was doing this for people like Hanna. So that no one had to go through what she had gone through, what I’d gone through, again. Not ever again.
I leaned back against the bed. “Thank you for telling me the truth.”
“Do you…think less of me?” he asked cautiously. “I wouldn’t blame you. I think less of me for it.”
“No, I don’t.” And I didn’t. “You tried to get out after that. You wanted to be something more and something better. You learned your lesson. That’s more than I can say for the rest of the crew.”
He settled back down on the bed. His hand slipped under my shoulders and drew me back to him. “I’ve never told anyone that story. And we never talk about what happened. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to get that off my chest.”
“You should have seen a therapist.”
He chuckled and kissed the top of my head. “Probably. But my mother sees it as weakness.”
“That’s ridiculous. Everyone should see a therapist. We’re all so fucked up. Talking is the only way we can work through what happened. After I left the Hamptons, I went every day. Well…after I could pick myself up off Amy’s floor.” I sighed. “It helped me survive but not get over it. You helped with that.”
“I am sorry about the bet. And our year apart. And Lewis. And Katherine. And what happened with Jane tonight. About all of it. I wish we could turn back time and start over.”
I nudged him. “If we started over, I’d never still be here. I wouldn’t have been able to hack it.”
“I doubt that.”
I shrugged. I had major doubts. I was putting one foot in front of the other and coming out on top by sheer determination. The only thing that felt easy about the whole thing was Penn.
“Do you think you’re going to make up with Jane?” he asked softly against my hair.
“You think she’s part of my crew? That I should push past our betrayals and see our strength and bonds beneath it?”
“I think that she was there when no one else was. That means something. You have to decide what it means to you.”
I sank deeper into his arms. Penn was right. Jane had helped orchestrate the collapse of my career by aiding and abetting Katherine. Could I forgive her for that? If I did, would she do it again?
I drifted off, still debating whether it would be worth it.
And when I woke, I decided that I couldn’t risk it. Even if I wanted to.
Chapter 30
Natalie
I threw the door to my apartment open and rushed inside. My feet were killing me from the walk back home and the three-story climb to my place. I kicked off the uncomfortable heels. Then I rounded the corner to find Penn pacing the living room.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know. I’m late,” I told him, holding my hands up. I dropped my planner and oversize St. Vincent bag onto the table in the hall and strode toward him. “The meeting ran over.”
“It’s fine. I was just…”
“Pacing?” I offered for him.
“Yes.” He grinned at me.
I took in the image of him standing there in chinos and a blue button-up with his sleeves rolled to his elbows. His hands in his pockets with Dermot Kennedy’s album playing from his phone. His blue eyes bore into mine, and I practically sighed with relief at seeing him.
Party-planning had taken over my life. I hadn’t thought one charity function would become a full-time job. I was overworked and stressed and not even getting paid to do any of this. Harmony had brought on a party-planner, Gregory, to help with day-of on-site issues so that I could actually enjoy the party. And meeting with Gregory had been a lesson in how behind I was, even with Harmony and the lackeys helping. We were a matter of weeks from the big event, and I’d never felt such relief and blind panic that someone else was going to be responsible for getting this off without a hitch.
“Are we going to be late?” I asked him. He’d been planning a surprise for me all week to get me away from this, and I didn’t want to ruin it. “Do I have time to change?”