I laugh a little at that, but the laugh verges on hysterical.
Liam looks over at me cautiously, and I smile. “It’s okay.” I pause, realizing I mean it, and then I repeat, “It’s okay.”
“What I do…?”
I nod, still touching him. This isn’t how I envisioned our reunion going in my fantasies, but to hell with it. I went all in when I ran with him, and there’s no point picking things apart.
“It’s okay,” I say again.
I try not to think about what I’m telling him I’m okay with. I try not to wonder exactly who he’s going to kill, or picture how it might happen.
I try to convince myself I feel cold all over because of the weather, despite my rosy cheeks and the toasty heat blowing out of the vents in his dashboard.
I can’t consider the possibility that I’m making a deadly mistake.
Liam
She hates me.
She’s afraid of me.
I’m not sure exactly which is true, but one of them must be.
This is why I didn’t want to tell her. Normal people aren’t okay with shit like this. She isn’t like me and Raj was right; she isn’t cold enough.
Her hand is still on my thigh, but I think she just hasn’t figured out how to move it.
I feel… uncomfortable. Like it matters more than it should that she’s judging me, and at the same time fucking idiotic for even imagining it might go any other way.
You can’t just tell a girl who’s romanticized you that when she was kissing you and begging you to fuck her, you planned to kill her. You just can’t do that. And if you do, you can’t expect her to still be psyched about you.
I knew that.
I knew better than to tell her, but I didn’t want to trap her, either. I assumed she had some fairy tale about me concocted in her mind, and I needed her to know how far off she was so she didn’t feel tricked when she inevitably figured it out.
I just wanted to be wrong. I just wanted her to accept the rotten parts of me and still look at me like her fucking savior. I feel stupid thinking that was a possibility, and even dumber for wanting it in the first place.
God, what a fucking sap.
It’s a long ride to the cabin. Annabelle doesn’t say much and I never do. Knowing it’s a long walk once we get there, I stop off at the last gas station before my exit.
“Last stop,” I tell her, pushing open the car door and climbing out.
She climbs out, stretching her arms above her head and looking at the grimy little gas station.
I don’t say a word to her, just head inside.
It doesn’t feel like she’s gonna stay, and I guess I don’t blame her.
I’ll let her get some sleep tonight, and then tomorrow when I bring her some more supplies, we can talk about her exit plan. Me, I’m not sticking around here after the job, but I’ll help her out, and she can stay at my cabin as long as she needs to.
I know there’s no meat at the cabin, so while she pees I grab a few sticks of jerky and a couple of candy bars to take to the register. My eye catches on a basket of fresh fruit on the counter. I grab a couple of apples in one hand, putting them down as I pull out my wallet with the other.
I go ahead and buy gas, too, since I have to drive back to the damn city tonight.
Back at the car, I drop the bag in the floor next to Annabelle’s legs. She spots an apple and pulls it out of the bag, smiling faintly as she drags her nails across a dimple in the skin.
“Who knew apples caused so much trouble,” she said lightly.