“It does to some—” She stopped short of insulting him, but could tell by the way he raised his eyebrows and tilted his head as if to say, “Oh yeah?” that he could fill in the blanks.
“Wanna finish that sentence?” he challenged, but lightly.
“He’s happily married. Stupidly happy. They have kid—He’s not like th—he wouldn’t…” Willow gave up with a sigh, offering him a mockingly bright smile and tugging on his arms. “You look so sexy tonight.”
“Uh huh,” he said, rolling his eyes.
Continuing the act, she rubbed his right bicep. “You must’ve been working out just before I got here.”
“I’m a terrible, lesser man than your unquestionably faithful boss, I get it,” he half-joked.
Willow rolled her eyes and dropped her arm. “Okay, maybe we should get back to talking about how I spent a portion of my shift serving you and your wife and kids.”
Dropping the cloak of playfulness, he nodded and took a step back, sobering. “Actually, we should.”
Immediately missing the playfulness, she found herself regretting that particular turn, but it was why she had come over anyway. Following him to his couch, she waited on his lead to see if he’d want to sit close or keep some distance between them. Seeming to understand, he patted the cushion right next to his, so Willow curled a leg beneath her and sat down.
“I’ve taken some time to think things through, and I have some things to say that you might not like.”
“Oh, good,” she murmured.
“I never want to be unfair to you,” he told her, and his blue eyes were so damned earnest that she couldn’t even decide what to feel. “I have been, a lot,” he added. “But I never mean to. I can’t promise it’s not going to keep happening. I’m…” He shook his head, violently expelling a little breath. “I’m trying to be two people, still, and that on its own isn’t fair to you. I told you before that I wouldn’t even think about being in a relationship right now if you were anyone else, and this is why. It isn’t the right time, I can’t be fair to you—not yet. I think, if things were different, maybe if you would’ve gone off to college and then come back and we got together then, I think then I could’ve been at least closer to what you deserve.”
Willow was already shaking her head. “Ethan—”
He held up a hand to stop her. “Let me finish. Let me just get it out, and then we can… hash it out.”
She sighed and drooped against the couch, but nodded for him to proceed.
“I’m trying to be honest with you. I don’t want to lie to you. I do want to get my family back together. I care about you very deeply, and I don’t want to hurt you—and if I am right now,
I’m so sorry. That was never my intention. But… I can’t give up on my family. I can’t promise to close that door right now. I’m not trying to be that guy, I’m not trying to use them as an excuse, but my kids mean the world to me—having a family is important to me, and it has nothing to do with you. I think any guy you ever choose to give yourself to is the luckiest bastard around, and whatever happens, I’ll never regret you letting me be that bastard right now.”
A million different emotions swarmed Willow’s brain, but all she could get out of her mouth was, “You’re breaking up with me.”
It took him five million hours—or too many seconds, but what was the difference at that point—before he responded a bit cautiously, “I’m not. A better man probably would, but…”
Willow was so confused that she couldn’t look at him, couldn’t pin down an emotion long enough to process it, let alone express it.
He lightly touched her knee, jarring her enough that she jerked her gaze up to his.
He looked sad. “You should go to New York.”
Finally something ignited within her, and although her emotions were still varied and overwhelming, she managed to ground out, “I can’t believe you right now.”
“I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but someday you’re probably going to look back on this as the only good thing I ever did for you.”
“Yeah?” she asked, nodding, but it was definitely a trap. “I have an idea for something else you can do for me, something else I can look back on as the best thing you ever did for me.”
He looked braced for an attack as she rose off the couch, but he watched her cautiously. “What’s that?”
“Make a goddamn choice. Ask Amanda outright to take you back, or file for a goddamn divorce. How long are you going to let her keep you in limbo, Ethan? How long are you going to wait around on a maybe?”
“It’s not that simple.” He shook his head.
“It can be!” Her eyebrows rose and her eyes bugged out. “All you have to do is ask. But you don’t want to ask, because you don’t want to hear the answer. You don’t want to hear her choose to go on without you. I get it, I do—I’ve avoided having this conversation with you for the exact same reason, but you know what? We can’t live that way forever. And I would wait for you—I would wait so much longer than I should be willing to wait, if I just knew it would pay off. And you know what, Ethan? So would you. Just not for me.”
Ethan shook his head, sighing and hanging his head. “I hate it when you make it sound like I don’t give a damn about you.”