He tried to keep the regret off his face. “I don’t think so. Your mom said you guys have plans tomorrow. I’ll see you Sunday for Caleb’s birthday though, okay?”
She pouted, but nodded her acceptance.
He leaned in and gave her another kiss on the forehead before reluctantly straightening. He knew he needed to leave, let her go to sleep, not disrupt the routine.
“Goodnight, baby.”
“Goodnight, Daddy,” she murmured, watching as he backed out of the bedroom and shut the door.
Sinking against the wall, he closed his eyes for a moment, hating the nights he got to help put them to bed almost as much as he treasured them. He hadn’t appreciated simple things like that enough when they were commonplace—he just never realized it.
Pushing away from the wall, he turned to head down the hall but stopped short when he saw Amanda standing there. Her arms were crossed, but there was a soft, almost regretful look on her face that indicated she’d been standing there and he just hadn’t noticed her.
He opened his mouth to speak but she silenced him with a finger against her lips, then jerked her head toward the stairs, heading down them herself.
Once they were downstairs and child-free, it was weird. Time alone with his wife never used to be weird, but it hadn’t been comfortable for a long time.
“She got an extra chapter out of you?” Amanda guessed.
Smiling slightly, he nodded his head. “They’re short chapters.”
“That’s the last book she has in that series, she’s going to run out.”
“I’ll get her a few more,” he offered.
Amanda nodded her head, and the moment filled up with a heavy silence. It had been six months, but it was no easier to be standing there with the woman he’d intended to spend the rest of his life with, and feel so uncomfortable and so unwelcome that he itched to run out the door.
That would be cowardly though, and he’d earned every second of the discomfort. So he stayed, enduring the awkwardness as long as she would.
“So, do you have everything set for the party?” he finally asked, just to break the silence.
“For the most part. Tucker and Angela are going to be in town, so they’ll be there.”
“Oh, that’s nice. We haven’t—at least, I haven’t—seen them in a while.”
He realized he didn’t know who she saw anymore, and she didn’t seem inclined to tell him.
Amanda merely nodded, her gaze drifting around the room as if searching for something to distract them from the awkwardness. She wasn’t shoving him out the door though—that was something.
She perked up, having thought of something to glom onto. “I found the lost photo album—the one with the pictures from the beach when Ali was little.”
He couldn’t help smiling at the memory of her little face when he smeared sand on her fingers. “She hated the wet sand.”
Amanda nodded, but her face crumb
led a little and her eyes started to shine. His smile disappeared and he took a couple steps toward her without thought, his arms opening to wrap around her.
Amanda took a step back, averting her gaze and shaking her head. “Don’t,” she said quietly.
He stopped, struggling with helplessness as she recovered her own composure. Her eyes were still damp with unshed tears, but her expression was aggressively blank—like it usually was when he was around.
He hated that his presence caused her such discomfort. Such pain.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
“You should probably go,” she stated, her voice faltering.
“Amanda… maybe we should try to talk—”