Of course the day after the blackout, which let’s be honest was really my mind going elsewhere, I didn’t get any work done. The store was full of concerned neighbors and citizens; even the town’s resident doctor stopped by to make sure I was okay. It was overwhelming and I’m hoping it’s now behind us. I don’t want to be treated with kid gloves or have people staring at me, wondering if it’s going to happen again. That day with Adam was an isolated incident.
I thought about taking a few days off, but that would only prove to be troublesome for me. Being alone in my house with my thoughts with nothing to occupy my time would defeat the purpose of forgetting about everything and that’s what I need to do, forget.
The bell chimes on the door and once again I find myself lost in thought about nothing in particular. I’m afraid to think about my life before I arrived in Pittsfield. No, I shouldn’t say that. My life was great. I was in love, happy, and my man loved me with everything that he was. I never doubted how he felt about me. But that all changed when Frannie— No, I shouldn’t think about it. Those thoughts, that life, it needs to stay locked away. Ted Lawson cannot hurt my family anymore.
I smile at the couple that just walked in. They’re tourists. It’s easy to tell the peo
ple that haven’t been here before because they walk in and cringe when the screen door slams shut. Their steps are timid because they’re not sure where they should go. Eyes wander, searching for the bathroom sign, and they rush off as soon as they see it. I chuckle at this particular couple because that’s what they just did, only to stop by the glass-covered pastries and point to the large cinnamon rolls and cookies. Even if they only meant to stop and use the restroom, they’ll purchase something as they leave. Laura has the store set up perfectly that way.
As soon as customers walk in, the counter is off to the left with the store opening up on the right. Directly in front of them is a table full of Vermont specialties and diagonally from there, you’ll find our coffee and pastries stand with the bathrooms in the back corner. Groceries and the deli are straight ahead when you walk in. It’s truly the perfect little country store.
Another couple, followed by a family, walks in—meaning I should leave my duty of dusting. I stand at the counter with my hands behind my back, making eye contact with them when they look my way. The goal is to make them feel welcomed. That’s what Laura did for me, same with Ray. Claire and I were barely making it, but we had each other and I was determined. I never liked working at the gas station. It’s freezing in the winter and stifling in the summer, but it paid my rent and put food on the table for Claire. People used to drop things off for her when we were at work. We’d walk home, a mile down the busy stretch of the road, and find a bag of clothes. She’d be so excited and on the inside I was, too, but as soon as she went to sleep for the night I cried my eyes out in the bathroom. My life wasn’t supposed to be like this. When my husband died I should’ve been able to pack up my home and find a new place for us to live. I have no doubt I would’ve gone to stay with Ryley, who was pregnant at the time. I’ve always wondered how she’s doing today and whether or not she had the baby.
I’ve been tempted to hunt for her on the web, see if I can find a picture of her, anything to curb my curiosity, but at the same time, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to risk someone looking over my shoulder, or somehow knowing I looked her up. That part of my life is dead and buried, and as much as I miss it, I’ll never be there again.
The first couple that walked in comes up to the counter. Both of them are carrying cinnamon rolls and cups of coffee.
“Traveling far today?” I ask, as I ring them in.
“We just moved to New York from Oklahoma and we’ve been exploring as much of New England as we can. We’re looking for the perfect place to host our wedding. It’s so beautiful up here but it’s so cold,” the woman says while I make change from the twenty that her fiancé gave me.
“Yes it is. Enjoy your trip and please drive carefully. Oh, and congratulations. Weddings in the fall are simply gorgeous around here.”
She waves good-bye as her fiancé pulls her out of the store. I don’t have much time to recover, not that I need it, before the family comes up to the counter with their arms full of snacks. As I ring them in, the kids pretend to box behind their parents, the dad reads the newspapers, and the mom fiddles with her phone. They’re likely locals from another town, not interested in conversation.
After I give them their total and they pay, I wait for the last two people, who decide they don’t need anything after using the rest room. I wave good-bye and glance at the clock; two hours left.
Laura’s never been strict on electronics in the store, as long as it’s clean, she doesn’t care what we do. I pull out my tablet—determined to read—when my finger accidentally hits my email button. I rarely check my email since everyone I know lives in town and my parents had passed away long before … well, for a long time now.
Email after email comes in, most of them junk, but one from late last night catches my attention. You told me to email! I look around the store to make sure it’s empty before I open it. I know I shouldn’t but this can’t be a coincidence.
Dear Amy,
Earlier today an FBI lady and her partner came in asking questions about you and your storage unit. They said you were missing and were shocked to find that you’ve been paying. They confiscated the motorcycle for evidence or something.
Buzz.
My heart drops to the floor, followed by my stomach and knees. Pain radiates through my legs when I hit the ground and the breath I need to keep me from hyperventilating isn’t anywhere to be found. She’s found me. She’s coming for me. She’s coming to take my baby away from me.
She took the last thing I had of Tucker. And with that knowledge my heart breaks into a million pieces. The day I found out he died, I ran. I knew Lawson was coming to take Claire and would likely kill me if I didn’t hand her over. There was no way in hell that scum was getting my baby. So I left and walked away from everything. I held out hope that one day I’d return and have something left over from my life with Tucker. Now I have nothing except Claire and she doesn’t even remember him.
I try to control my breathing before someone comes in. The last thing I want to do is start more gossip about the status of my health. I try to type a response, but my fingers aren’t working correctly and everything seems blurry. Resting my hands on the counter, I stare down at the words, memorizing them before I shut my tablet off and put it back in my bag. This is exactly why I never look on the web. It never yields anything good, just torment and pain.
When Laura walks in I try to hide the indifference I’m feeling about myself right now. It’s taking everything within me to not run. All I can see is Claire and I in a car, driving until I’m far away from here and there are no traces that I ever existed, except I can’t do that to Ray. He’s been so good to us, loving Claire as if he’s her father. He’s been there through all the bumps and bruises, the late night homework sessions and that first crush. Ray is a good man and deserves to know what I’m bringing down on him.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say with the wave of my hand. “I stumbled a little getting my tablet out of my bag. I’m just sore.” I fumble my way through the muddy waters that I’m creating. Laura looks at me and shrugs, and I can’t tell if she’s bought my story or not. Either way, I’m leaning against the counter for support because my knees hurt.
“Well I’m here if you want to go home.”
“Thank you.” Breathing out a sigh of relief, I gather my things quickly, almost forgetting to take off my apron. I’m almost free until I touch the handle on the door and my name is called.
“Amy?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and turn around. I smile softly at my boss and friend, praying my tears stay at bay.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”