“We didn’t sleep together. I’ve only known him for a week, and he’s an addict. Having sex with him would be foolish.”
“Well, you did something, so spill.”
I reach for my drink and wrap my hands around the ceramic mug, blowing into it to cool it down. I sip, letting the hot liquid warm me. It’s far from cold outside, but sometimes you need the old comforts from your childhood to make you feel better about yourself.
“I attacked him, Daph. It was horrible, except it wasn’t. I don’t know. He screams sex, like it oozes from him. We were talking, and then everything changed. There was a shift in him, and I felt like he was on the prowl. The next thing I know, I’m aching, my chest is heaving, and all I can think about is what it’d be like to screw him, so I jumped him, and he was…” I blush, recalling the words he said to me. “He’s magic with his words and his fingers.”
“Oh, do tell.” She pulls her legs up underneath her, eager for my story.
“I feel dirty talking about what happened, but Daphne, his fingers were bliss and the stuff he said to me, I thought I was going to come just from his voice alone.”
“Sweet hell, what did he say?” She leans closer to me.
I know I’m blushing, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. My body warms as I remember how his voice sounded. “He said, ‘I want to see your face when my fingers push into your…’?” I can’t bring myself to repeat his word.
“Your what?” she squeals.
“Cee you next Tuesday,” I mutter with embarrassment, knowing she’ll get my slang.
“Holy fuck, Kim, that’s hot.”
“I know, but I feel so dirty,” I tell her, placing my mug back on the coffee table and mirroring her position on the couch.
“And did you?” she asks, leaning forward.
I cover my face and nod. “I did, and I thought it was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen or been a part of.”
“But…?” she asks.
I finally look at her. “After he got me off, he stood there in front of me, masturbating, so I could watch him.”
Daphne’s mouth drops open as her eyes go wide. My cheeks continue to burn.
“What did you do next?”
I uncurl myself and stand, pacing around her living room. “This is where I fucked up,” I told her. “I left. I was embarrassed because I had asked to return the favor and he told me no. Don’t get me wrong—watching him pleasure himself was the most erotic thing I have ever witnessed. But the rejection stung. And when the euphoric high wore off, I realized what I had done, and I couldn’t face him. He’s there to recover and I shouldn’t be using him like this.”
“Have you spoken to him about this?”
I shake my head.
“He shouldn’t worry about me, ya know? He needs to focus on his recovery and getting his life back.”
Daphne stands and pulls me into her arms. “Maybe you’re the part of his recovery that he needs.”
I stay with Daphne until the sun is down. I think about staying the night, but I know that there’s a mountain of shit that I have to tackle, and the sooner I do it, the better. If I listen to Daphne, I should go back to Serenity Springs and hump the shit out of Bodhi. Even I know I can’t do something like that, and what did happen between us can’t ever happen again. I can’t compromise his recovery for my personal pleasure.
The drive back to the ranch gives me time to think. As much as I want to test the waters with Bodhi, I can’t. I have never defied my father until I met Bodhi, and I’m not going to continue to do it. Whatever Bodhi and I are feeling, whether it’s for each other or because we’re both lonely, it stops now. It’s not fair to Bodhi to take on another person’s emotions while he’s recovering. And it’s selfish of me to demand that of him.
Chapter 9
Bodhi
Today is family day. I don’t know what to expect, but it’s not much. You’re allowed to call home at any time, with permission, but I have yet to take advantage of that. I watched Susan, the woman from my therapy group, call home once, and it wasn’t pretty. I happened to be cleaning Kim’s office when she came in and asked to use the phone. It was her daughter’s birthday, she said.
I tried not to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help it. All she wanted to do was talk to her daughter on her birthday, and her husband wouldn’t let her. I could hear him on the other end of the line berating her and calling her names, and all of a sudden I’d had enough. I went over to her, placed one hand on her shoulder, and with the other took the phone and put it down on its cradle. Kim was there to take Susan into her arms and lead her away. No one should be treated like that. Susan’s husband was wrong for saying those things to her, especially since she’s trying to get help. It’s sure fun
ny that he doesn’t take any responsibility for the role he played in her situation.