“Do you eat dinner with all the patients?”
Kim puts her fork down and clasps her hands in front of her. “Well, I don’t see all the patients. I’m more like a patient advocate, and usually I work with only one or two patients at a time. For dinner I’ll usually eat with them the first few nights until they’re comfortable. I also show them around and help them get settled. All of this can be scary, especially if you’re coming down from a high or haven’t had a drink in the last hour or two. I’m here to be your friend, and my door is always open.”
I don’t say anything after that and focus on my food. I took a little bit of everything, unsure of what I wanted or whether I’d eat. I’m not hungry, but feel nauseated and cold. What I need to satisfy my cravings isn’t allowed. That need is what landed my ass in here to begin with.
“You’re not hungry?”
I shake my head and put my fork down. Nothing looks good. I think about trying to trick my brain into thinking it’s all laced with blow, but that probably isn’t a good idea.
“I feel like I have the flu,” I tell her honestly. There’s no point in hiding anything from her, since she can probably see right through my shit. What is it about her that makes me speak without thinking? I’ve never done that before. I’ve never told some random chick that I just met that I don’t feel well. I don’t give a shit if it’s her job to know or not. Being open about how I’m feeling has never been something I’m comfortable with, and yet here I am telling her.
Once Virtuous Paradox took off, my life changed. I was used to keeping my lips sealed about my family, always playing coy with the media, but being in the group sent me into a tailspin. Now someone was telling me what to do, what to wear, how to act, when I could eat, when I could sleep, and who I could date. It’s crazy how much fame truly costs a person and how much of yourself you lose. The label was running my fucking life. The only thing they didn’t tell me was when I could take a shit.
“When was the last time you took a hit?”
I immediately break eye contact with her and look at my surroundings. For some reason, hearing her ask me makes me feel ashamed.
“It’s okay if it was today, Bodhi.” Her hand rests on my arm, as if that’s supposed to give me the confidence I need to tell her.
“It was yesterday, before my dad staged an intervention with your father and my manager.”
“So the comedown started last night?”
I shake my head. “I got a massive nosebleed yesterday. My first one. I’ve had people tell me about them, but I never thought I’d get one. Sometime around three this morning I started puking. My dad…my father is one of the biggest movie directors in Hollywood, and he was holding my fucking puke bucket for me because I was too weak to walk to the bathroom.” I throw my napkin down and move my tray away. I’m pissed at myself for allowing my dad to do that. He doesn’t know that I heard him crying in the corner when he thought I was sleeping, but I did. I heard him whimper and choke back a fucking sob because his only son is destroying his life.
“Let’s take a walk,” she says, getting up from the table and carrying her tray over to a large window. I quickly follow her, not wanting her to leave me behind. Not that I think she would.
We walk to two huge glass doors and head outside, right into the setting sun. The warmth does help, but the shivers are still there. I know Dr. Rosenberg said she’d help, but I’m not sure I want to take anything to combat this. Maybe I need to suffer so I don’t forget what it’s like to go through withdrawal.
“Wow!” We walk to the edge of the yard and stop. The property dips down into a valley where there’s a pond, and the way the sun is focusing on it makes everything seem magical.
“Over seven hundred acres of natural beauty, and it’s all yours to explore.”
“Seriously?”
She nods and motions for me to follow her again. We walk along a path until we come to a horse stable and go inside. She says hi to a man who’s in there, but otherwise doesn’t introduce him to me.
“You can borrow a horse anytime you want, but usually not after the sun goes down. Horses spook easily, and there are snakes and coyotes out there.”
“So if I want to ride, I just come out here?”
“Yep. You write your name on the list, and whoever is working will help you get saddled up. Same thing with the pond—if you want to go swimming, you can.”
I stop and pet one of the horses, rubbing my hand over her mane. When I was kid, I had a horse at our country home, but the busier my parents became, the less we went. The house was sold and I never got a chance to say goodbye to the horse.
“We’re here to help, Bodhi. I know you’re struggling, but we’re going to help you figure things out so you can go back to living your life.”
I laugh and shake my head. “What life? I’m a puppet controlled by a master who is brilliant and scary at the same time. It’s not her fault I’m here, but she’s also to blame.”
“I’m not sure I follow.”
I look at her and wonder if she realizes who she’s dealing with. She hasn’t said anything—not that I’m expecting her to, what with her being a professional—–but even the people we passed earlier knew who Bodhi McKnight is. “Do you know who I am?”
There’s a glint in her eye that matches her smile. “Of course I do, but the thing is, I don’t care. Sure, some of the patients might, but I bet you know how to deal with it. To us, you’re Bodhi. You’re here to get better, not entertain us or be a source of gossip. We want you better so that when you’re back onstage, we can sit back and be thankful that you came to us for help and that we were able to help you overcome your demons. Most of all, we want you to relax. So if anyone is bothering you, you tell me and I’ll take care of it.” She places her hand on my bicep, and the burning I felt earlier is back, even through the thickness of my sweatshirt.
Chapter 5
Bodhi