As the facts as we know them are laid out in front of us, I’m one hundred percent positive that the training mission my team was just on was all for show. It was to keep us, or more specifically me, away so that Evan could return to Ryley. Some sick bastard is playing with our lives and I want to know who it is and why.
“My team left six weeks ago, paving the way for fire team from SEAL Team 3 to return without any question,” I say, adding in my own theory. “We were on a training mission in the desert, the Mojave Desert, I believe. We weren’t that far from base. O’Keefe went with us, which I thought odd, but with the recent cuts by the President I didn’t think too much of it until now. O’Keefe told us we were preparing for deployment, that when we came back we’d have a week or two to get our affairs in order and say goodbye.
“The first half of the month we sat in a room staring at maps of the Middle East and going over strategies. It was our last day there, but I didn’t know it and we were out in the field, lying in the sand waiting for the training m
ission to start. We’d been out there for two days, waiting. The call came in that the exercise was over. A yellow flag went up, but no one would listen. The Team was just excited to get back home, get their business taken care of and prepare for deployment. When we got back to base, I should’ve trusted my instincts when I said something was up.
“Someone was giving commands, but I don’t know who. They came through to Tex. He relayed the information. The first was that we were breaking down and heading back to camp. The second came in that there was no debriefing. No one questioned it but me. The other guys didn’t seem to care. I have one guy going through a divorce and another who is trying to figure out if he’s going to be a dad. One can say these guys were just eager to get home and get shit settled before we left – I can’t say that. Sitting here, listening to everything and after doing my own research, I have no doubt that someone set SEAL Team 3 up, and I want to know why.”
“That’s why we’re here, Nate.” My name rolls off her tongue like it used to when she wanted something. I used to be able to tell by the way she said it what she wanted. Short and high-pitched, she had good news. Short and firm, I was in trouble or she was about to tell me something serious. Soft and drawn out, she wants something and something could be anything.
And right now I want to know what that anything is. Is she only interested in this case because of who it involves? Or was she assigned this case? I want to know. I should be angry with her, but I’m not. She walked out on our life together because she couldn’t deal with my job. Yet, here I sit across from her and wonder how much I missed. Was staying here worth it? Looking at Evan and Ryley sitting by each other, they look at one another trying not to cause suspicion, but to an outsider they look like two people having an affair. You can see the pull they have between them. If electricity had a visual, then they would be it. I know Ryley won’t do that to me, but what am I doing to her? Have I been a constant reminder of what she lost? Did I put my life on hold because I was afraid to let my brother go, hanging on to the last piece of him?
My life with Cara was fun, exciting and worth the heartache. I sought solace in Ryley because she was an easy transition. The door was always open and I was always welcomed. It was Ryley who lent me her shoulder to cry on when I needed it. I tried not to let the fact that Cara left get to me, but it hurt. I failed her when I promised that I’d always be there for her.
And now she’s here for me when I didn’t ask her to be. I don’t care if this is her job or not. My first love has walked back into my life when it’s in complete turmoil and, for the time being, I want to be done talking about this mission so I can take her aside and ask her how she’s been. I want to know what she’s been up to and all that she’s accomplished. And in some strange, perverse way, I want to know if she’s single. Has she found someone to love her the way she deserves to be loved?
The conversation continues around us and I watch Cara in action. She has papers spread out in front of us, pictures of faces that I don’t know. Her words are muffled, and it’s as if my head is under the water and she’s standing above me talking. She tried that once when we were in Hawaii. I let her push me under and she stood above me, laughing.
When we took the trip to Hawaii, I was planning on asking her to marry me. The ring was in our hotel room and the dinner had been planned. Then the phone call came in about Evan and it was over. I put my anger and hurt before her and shouldn’t have. Cara should’ve been the most important person in my life at that point. She was. I just didn’t know how to show her.
“Nate, are you listening?”
“I’m sorry, swee… Cara. What did you say?” I catch myself before I call her sweetie, the nickname I had for her when we were together. I swallow hard as she smiles before turning away. I don’t know if I should read into anything, but I think I finally know what Ryley is going through with being torn between the two of us.
“WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE animal today?” I ask EJ, as I tuck him in. He asked me to read him a bedtime story after he had his bath and I was more than happy to take on the task. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking with this whole “Dad” business, especially as Nate was here last night and I’m here tonight. If I’m confused, he must be as well.
“The edapants,” he says, turning over to face me. I’m over six feet tall, laying in a twin bed and EJ laughs at me because my feet hang over the edge, but I don’t care. I’ve never felt more comfortable than I do now. He’ll never know what this means to me. These moments with him are slowly starting to fill the holes in my heart. I can understand why Nate is so unwilling to let him go.
EJ shows me his bear. He holds it up, pretending it’s talking to me as he tells me about the zoo. He doesn’t know this, or maybe he does, but he sleeps with my teddy bear. I never understood why my mom held on to certain toys, but I’m thankful this particular one ended up with my son. The poor bear is ratty looking, but Ryley says he doesn’t go to bed without it.
“I like the elephants too,” I tell him. “Did you know they bring good luck?”
“That’s silly.”
“I know, but it’s true. I think that maybe we should buy one and put it in your backyard because we can all use some good luck.”
EJ laughs and it’s the most magical sound I’ve ever heard. “Mommy would be so mad when he poops in the backyard.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh right along with him. “Yeah, I think she would. Do you think she’d make me clean it up?”
He nods animatedly. “I can help if we get one.”
What I wouldn’t give to bring home an elephant for my son, just so I can see the look in his eyes. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Goodnight, Eban.”
“Goodnight, EJ.”
EJ snuggles into his pillow with his arm wrapped tightly around my bear and closes his eyes. I don’t want to leave, but spending time with Ryley is just as important. I don’t know if I’m coming or going with her right now. My mind is telling me to run. To run fast and far without looking back because looking back holds too much pain, and I’m so tired of feeling broken. But my heart is telling me that she deserves another chance and that her mistake in telling EJ that I was his dad without me there was done out of stress and nerves. My heart is telling me to fight for her, show her that she is still my one and only even if she already knows it.
A light caress startles me awake. As my eyes focus, I see EJ is sound asleep, but feel her behind me. I know it’s her by the smell of her perfume. Looking at her over my shoulder, the soft glow from EJ’s night-light casts her in a shroud of gold.
“Hey,” she says quietly, stepping away from the bed as I move to sit up. “I thought I’d wake you in case you wanted to go to bed.”
“With you?” I ask, knowing I don’t deserve or even expect an answer. I’m a smartass. I get it. I follow her out of EJ’s room and down the stairs. The lights are off, but the TV is illuminating the room. It’s a peaceful calm that I haven’t felt in a long time. “Where’s Livvie?”
“She went with Nate. She said she hadn’t spent much time with him since he came back.” Ryley sits down on the couch, pulling a blanket over her legs. I know I have a few options here: I can go upstairs and try to sleep, knowing I won’t be able to. I can sit down next to her and try and soak up as much Ryley as possible. Or, my favorite option, I can carry her off to her room and make love to her.