A police officer stops next to my car and motions for me to roll down my window. I try not to roll my eyes, but I get it. Once my window is down, he leans over his console. The look on his face is telling me that he’s not impressed that I’m sitting here staring at the people in the park.
“Wanna move along?”
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do because facing a five-year-old is scarier than facing a terrorist. “Just about to get out, sir.”
He moves back and forth, trying to peer into my car. My guess is that he’s checking for my family or my kid. Too bad he’s looking in the wrong direction. He obviously doesn’t perceive me as too much of a threat since he’s still in his car.
“This is a family park,” he says as his radio squawks. He answers in code before turning back to me. “Where’s your family?”
Without taking my eyes off of him, I point to the swing set where Ryley and EJ are. Realization hits him like a ton of bricks and regardless of whether our return has been front and center in the paper or on the news, people know... he knows.
“You’re the one who came home?”
“One of the four, yes sir.” I’m not the only one who returned and each of us has to deal with our own fall outs in life, except for River. He just has to figure out why his wife had his beer stocked in his refrigerator. And not just stocked, but fresh, recently purchased and ready for his return. Who does that?
He nods and starts to say something but closes his mouth. Keeping my focus on him, I wonder if he’s met the struggles that I have. Not likely, but as a police officer, each time he walks out of his house he expects to return when his shift is over. He doesn’t know if there’s a crazed lunatic waiting to wreak havoc on his day. His job is really no different from mine. He battles the locals while I - or we - take on the rest. To me, he’s my partner.
“The community stands behind you, son,” he says before he rights himself behind his steering wheel. As he drives away I keep my eyes on him, wishing he’d stay just a bit longer. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk to someone who may or may not experience what you’re going through. I can’t talk to the guys because each of us is experiencing our return differently. Talking to Ryley produces heartache and shattered dreams. And my fear with Nate is that he’ll use any information I might give him against me.
Taking a deep breath, I ready myself for what’s about to happen. As it is, I’m already late, which is undoubtedly a strike against me. They’ll never understand what this is like for me. Even though I’ve met my son, he thinks of me as a friend and I’m not foolish enough to think that today will be any different, but it’d be nice.
Walking across the park with my hands pushed deep into my pockets, I think about turning back. Since Ryley asked me to leave the house I’ve wondered if I’m in a parallel universe. My homecoming was supposed to be filled with family, love and acceptance, but it’s been anything but. It took a therapist to convince her that I needed to be a part of EJ’s life. She threw me a party, but not until after Nate came home. She tells me that she’s not going to marry him, yet she still wears his ring and he seems to think that they’re still together.
Stopping halfway, Nate pulls Ryley into a hug. He picks her up and twirls her around, something I’ve done many times, but not lately. EJ is loud when he tells Nate to do it again, adding “Daddy” to the end of his sentence. EJ loves them, as his parents, his family and I’m not sure I belong. To EJ I could be viewed as an intruder, someone he’s not willing to accept as a parent. I guess I need to ask myself if I’m okay with that, or if I’m going to push him.
I have to avert my gaze. I can’t look at them, happy and in love. The trees, the birds and even the other families that are in the park seem to be a better option for me right now. Turning around, my car sits on the side of the street ready to take me away. Maybe that’s what I need, a destination far from here where I can start over and pretend that my life is everything that it isn’t right now.
The laughter coming from the others is enough to tell me that I shouldn’t be here. Right now, I have nothing to offer EJ and Nate does. He’s offered him stability, a home and father, while I’ve been nothing more than pictures on his wall. He’s better off with Nate, and at this point so is Ryley.
My steps are solid even though the ground has a bit of give to it. My legs feel heavy and slow moving, and short of running, I’m never going to get back to my car without them seeing me.
“Hey, Eban?”
My name and the excitement in his voice is enough stop me in my tracks. I turn to find the mini version of me staring back. He’s wearing his own NWU pants with a matching hat.
“Hey, EJ.” I don’t know what else to say. I’m an adult and this little boy brings me to my knees.
“Are you my dad?”
My eyes widen at his question and I seek out Ryley and Nate who are sitting at a table not far from the swing sets. I sit down on the ground and EJ mimic’s my position. How do you answer a question you’re not prepared for? I thought I was until I got here, but now that he’s in front of me I just want to tell him no because he’d be so much better without the drama that my life is right now.
“Um…” I hesitate but realize that he needs an answer. “Who told you that?” I ask as if I’m back in high school trying to figure out who started a rumor about me.
“My mom and dad,” he says as he turns and looks over his shoulder, making sure they’re still there.
“Right.” They told him without me, but why? Was it to make things easier on me? Did they know I was going to have second thoughts about doing this? Or did they do it just to get it over with?
“Are you?” he asks again, growing impatient.
“I am, but do you know what that means?”
“Yes,” he says, picking at the grass. “It means that you’re the dad that helped make me, but my dad is the one who is helping me be a man. You know I’m going to be in the Navy, too.”
I laugh even though I find nothing funny about this situation. It’s not the Navy part that bothers me, but that he says Nate is the one who’s helping him become the man he should be.
I want to be that person.
“I don’t know how to talk to a five-year old,” I tell him, thinking he probably doesn’t understand me. “Listen EJ, I’m new at this and I’m going to make a lot of mistakes, but I love you and have loved you since you were just this little bean in your mommy’s tummy. I was so excited when we found out you were coming, but I had to go to work. My job took a very long time to finish, but I’m here now and I want to be your dad. Does this make sense to you?”