I clear my throat and prepare myself for whatever may come my way before speaking. “I spend a lot of time thinking. When Ryley and EJ are sleeping, I’m awake. I go over the orders we were given in my head. I think about letters that I received from her and had to burn; I have them memorized and go over them in my mind, looking for clues, even though I know she didn’t write them. But I keep thinking maybe there was there something in there to alert me and I missed it.
“And then I start to wonder if our love wasn’t strong enough for her to wait for me like Frannie did for River. I question everything and don’t want to. All I can think is that I didn’t love her hard enough, or long enough, for her to wait for me. Thing is, deep down I know that’s not true.
“When Ryley was in college and I lived on base, the guys would go out and bring back a barrack bunny or two. They gave me such shit for being faithful and I’d tell them that when you’re in love no one compares. I never questioned what I was feeling for Ryley. This woman completes me. She keeps me safe from myself.
“I want to believe that I’ll prevail, but at what cost? The last thing I want to do is hurt Ryley or EJ. I wish there was a simple answer - a test you could give us to see who she’s supposed to be with but I know that’s not realistic so I keep trying to make sense of it in my head. Never in a million years did I think my competition would be my brother, but he is. And as much as it pains me to say this, if she doesn’t choose me, and decides that Nate is the better choice, at least I know him. At least I can trust that he’s not going to hurt her or my son.”
“He loves me,” Ryley says through tears.
I nod, knowing that’s the truth. “Doesn’t mean I have to accept it or honor it.”
Doc Howard offers us a break and we both take it. I grab us some water, brushing my fingers along Ryley’s hand as she takes the glass from me. Leaning in, I kiss her cheek. She pushes against me lightly and I use this to my advantage. Kissing her along her jaw, I whisper that I love her before I continue to pepper her skin with my lips. “So much,” I tell her against the nape of her neck. I stop myself from asking her to never leave me. It’s unfair and I know she won’t be able to placate me.
Taking advantage of the room being empty except for us, I ask her, “When can I see you?”
“Tonight,” she says as her green, teary eyes meet mine. “I’m not going to keep a schedule, Evan. There are no rules to all of this, but I am going to be fair.”
“Are you going to sleep with him?” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, not that I would have. It’s been on my mind and I have to know even if her answer tears my beating heart out of my chest.
Ryley shakes her head. “No, I’m not. And I’m not sleeping with you either.”
That’s what she thinks.
ONE NEVER SITS DOWN and thinks about the “What If’s” in life until it’s too late to do anything about it. If I had, I likely wouldn’t be sitting in a chair on my best friend’s back porch contemplating them now.
What if I asked more questions about Evan’s death?
What if I demanded more evidence that the burnt corpse with the missing limbs was my brother?
What if I didn’t reenlist and Cara and I stayed together?
What if I never fell in love with Ryley?
What if this is all a set-up?
Then it begs the question, why? What did Evan and the other guys do to deserve this? The sliding glass door opens and Lois walks out with a tray of drinks. Always the consummate homemaker, she quit her job when Grace arrived so she could stay home with her. Grace and EJ will start school in the fall and Lois has mentioned going back to work part-time. She sets the tray down and hands me a tall, cool glass of lemonade.
Hope soars that it’s spiked with something powerful, a numbing agent to quell my emotions, but as I take my first sip I realize it’s just lemonade and only meant to quench my thirst on this hot summer day.
“You know I could give you a big ole song and dance on how everything is going to work out, but we both know it’ll be a crock.”
This is what I love about Lois, straight to the point and no hiding behind bullshit. She knows, just as I do, that this situation is beyond normal. People don’t come back from the dead, and the people you trust to tell you the truth don’t hide the fact that a member of your family is alive and well.
“She kicked me out.” I hate the way the words sound as I say them. Ryley didn’t kick me out, she asked me to leave. There’s a difference, right?
That’s what I’m telling myself.
Lois reaches for my hand and I let her hold it. “Ryley is going through a lot right now,” she says, reconfirming everything I know. I can’t begin to imagine the hell she went through when Evan showed up out of the blue.
“What am I going to do?”
Lois squeezes my hand before letting go. “If we had the answers, none of this would be happening. I know it’s not easy for anyone, but you have to let her make the best decision for her and EJ without letting your own feelings get in the way.”
I look at Lois questioningly. “You mean no guilt trips on how I was the one who was there for her and picked up the pieces?”
Lois chuckles and shakes her head. “You were going to be her brother-in-law. You should’ve been there to pick up the pieces regardless. But yes, no guilt trips. She has plenty of guilt for both you and Evan.”
“I love her, Lois,” I throw out there, even though she knows this.