Praise for Here With Me
Oh God, Here With Me had my heart racing and my eyes burning. Filled with angst, passion and conspiracy and laced with traces of young love, Heidi McLaughlin’s latest is a one-sitting must-read.
Delving deep into the intricately woven pasts of twins and current Navy SEALS, Evan and Nate Archer, and one fiery redhead, Ryley, Here With Me not only holds the reader captive with the threesome’s past and present relationships, but also spins a scandalous web––The Navy has duped someone and it is unclear who started the never-ending lies.
Over the last six years, Evan Archer was declared dead while his brother slipped into his life, taking his own twin’s place in the heart of his woman and their child. Now Evan is back and Nate is gone, and no one knows who is lying or telling the truth, and as readers, we are left with raw emotion and gut-wrenching feelings while the story unravels in front of us.
McLaughlin’s voice is authentic, raw and genuine while bringing this story of love for both a single woman and an entire country to life… Rachel Blaufeld, author of Electrified and Smoldered
Simply breathtaking! Evan and Ryley had me mesmerized, rooting for them to find their way through unimaginable love and devastation. I sobbed, I laughed along with them, and at times, I wanted to throw this book across the room! HERE WITH ME is a story I won't soon forget, and I'm desperate for more… Rachel Harris, author of The Fine Art of Pretending
This book is hands down Heidi's best yet. Coupled with her ability to weave an intricate tale such as this with loveable and relatable characters such as Evan and Ryley sets this book apart from the rest. Heidi holds your attention with lies, mystery and a timeless love story that will grip your heart and leave you begging for more. Evan will melt your heart and Ryley's plight will pull it apart. This is a book you don't want to miss. The roller coaster of emotions is worth the ride!... Jennifer Wolfel,Wolfel’s World of Books
To all the men and woman who serve our country, who protect our country, I appreciate you.
EACH STEP I TAKE IS PAINFUL. Not in the sense that I’ve been physically injured — unless you can count my heart being torn out and ripped to shreds, twice, as being physically hurt — but in the sense that my body aches with any type of movement. I’m sore all over from too much crying and a lack of eating. Withering away to nothing, as my best friend, Lois has been saying for the past two weeks.
The fact that it’s been two weeks since my life has been turned upside down flipped inside out and run through the ringer stops me mid-step. Lois smashes into my back, no doubt looking at her phone, texting someone she shouldn’t be and meddling in my affairs. Even though I love her, I want her to stop. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have my life go back to the way it was six years ago.
Lois places her hand on my back, urging me silently to take the next step, and the next one and the next one after that. She’s been my rock for as long as I can remember, and surprisingly there was a time when I didn’t need her as much, but that’s all changed.
At the top of the staircase sits a table with a small bouquet of freshly picked flowers, a nice touch to the drab location. When Lois pulled in front of the building, I recoiled in my seat. The brick building, old and worn with age, shows no sign of being welcoming. The sidewalk is cracked and weeds grow in between the slabs. The only saving grace is the park across the street, and while it’s empty, it looks inviting, if not a place to escape.
Lois opens the door before I can raise my hand to knock. She’s impatient with me and I understand why. I know deep down she’s afraid I’m going to turn and run. Believe me the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I know it’s not the answer, but it makes the most sense. If I can’t be found, I can’t be hurt, and I’ve had far too much hurt in my life to last me until my last breath. With her hand on my back, she gives me a gentle nudge to step into the office. The woman behind the glass wall looks up briefly and gives us a half smile. She probably feels the same way I do about the building. It’s lacking in life, much like I am right now.
After giving her my name, I sit down next to Lois. Her face is now stuffed in a magazine, and she’s ignoring me. This is her idea of tough love. I’ve been down this path with her before so I know what to expect. You’d think by now I’d be a pro and can deal with whatever is thrown my way, but I’m not. It seems that every few years my idea of happiness turns into a weak excuse for life.
My name is called, and I’m directed through an open door. The room I step into is lackluster and cold. I cross my arms to ward off an impending shiver and chastise Lois for making me wear a dress today. My cardigan is resting in the backseat of her car when it should be on my shoulders.
“Good morning. What’s your name?”
It’s in the chart on your desk, I want to yell out, but refrain. Lois would likely hear me and scold me like a child. I’d take it though because she’d be right. The lady behind the desk doesn’t ask me to sit down or guide me to the chair or couch in her office. She doesn’t even look at me. This meeting is feeling a bit too impersonal for my taste, and as I reach for the door, I hear her clear her throat.
“Ryley, I like to ask my patients to say their names so that their identities aren’t forgotten when we start discussing why you’re here.”
Tex shrugs. “Dunno. Command says break down and come in.”
I look around for any sign that Tex could be wrong, but see nothing amiss. This exercise doesn’t make sense and seems more and more like a waste of time. We could’ve been home with our families, giving them a proper goodbye instead of being out here.
“What the fuck?” I yell as I stand and sling my rifle over my shoulder. I’m not letting go for fear that this is a trap. It wouldn’t be the first time a set-up has happened and caught us off guard.
By the time I’m packed, Tex is waiting. He seems anxious to get back to camp. I’m willing to bet that his girl has called and he’s eager to speak to her. Ryley won’t call. It’s something she used to do for Evan, but won’t do it for me. I don’t blame her, she had to make some changes in her life and she mostly changed anything that had to do with Evan.
As soon as we arrive back at camp, the MH-60 SpecOps variant Black Hawk lands to take us back to base. As I look around, it’s clear that this place has been cleaned up and our bags packed for us.
“You comin’?” Tex asks as he shoulders his bag. I nod, but don’t move. Something isn’t right about this whole situation. We should’ve had a weapons check and gone over our exercise. We should’ve sat down and dissected every movement of our enemy until we had everything memorized. We spent all this time out here, and for what – to look at maps?
Tex bumps my shoulder as he walks by. He stops and waits for me.
“Yeah,” I tell him as I reach for my bags. “Something isn’t right,” I mutter to myself as I walk out toward our waiting transport.
THIS IS HOW LIFE is supposed to be... my son on my hip, my dog at my feet and my beautiful girl standing i
n front of me dripping wet because I’ve just dumped her into the ocean. EJ laughs in my arms, and my heart swells with pride and admiration for this little boy. I know he’s part me, but I wasn’t here for so many milestones in his life – from the first time he kicked, to when he was born, to taking his first steps. I’ve missed so much. All for a job I love that doesn’t love me back.
“Look,” EJ says, as he points to sky. A kite in the shape of a bird flies above us. The closer it comes to us, the larger the shadow it makes. I use this opportunity to stare at Ryley as she watches the animated bird. Waves crash around her legs, and she wobbles a little. I should move, go stand by her, but I’m lost in her beauty. From the first day I saw her, I knew she was the one. She’s my angel, my saving grace... but she’s also my destruction. She could end my world by telling me that she wants to be with Nate and there won’t be anything I can do about it. As she stands in front of me, with the sun shining down and encasing her, I can’t even begin to comprehend how lucky I am to be with her right now.
After I returned home, standing there on the porch with my cap in my hand and seeing her look at me with such horror in her eyes, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. When she told me that I was dead and cautiously touched me as if I wasn’t real, I thought I had lost her. There was no way to understand the words coming out of her mouth. Her face streaked with tears and her voice laced with anger brought me to my knees. What had happened over the years to cause this and why? And how was I going to get her back and make things right?
Fight, that’s how.
This fight to win her back, to keep her as my own, is going to be the death of me. It’s a fight I won’t be giving up unless there’s a bullet in my head, or she tells me to leave. I know in my heart that she loves me. It’s my mind that refuses to let go of the images of her and my brother together. Thinking about him touching her, knowing that he’s wanted her since we were teens is the nail in my proverbial coffin. And where is he now? The storm rolls in and he’s conveniently gone. His crew is on an abruptly scheduled training mission. He has to know I’m back. He’s had to have been called. So why isn’t he home?
Ryley splashes me, causing EJ to squirm in my arms. I set him down and watch him run to her. She scoops him up in her arms, just like you see in those cheesy romantic comedies that she watches. I don’t want to be on the outside looking in, but I can’t pressure her. The decision she made the other night, saying she wasn’t going to marry Nate, made my heart soar but also caused me to take pause. They’ve built a life without me, a life that has my son calling my brother “Dad”, and left me to be nothing more to him than the guy whose face is on his walls.
Thinking about my son and him not knowing me the way he should angers me. Ryley and Nate were wrong on so many levels, and I’m not sure that’s something I can ever forgive. Growing up, we were close to our uncles and that’s what I always envisioned Nate being to my children. EJ should’ve known from day one that I was his father, dead or alive. I earned that moniker, Nate didn’t.
“What are you thinking so hard about?”
A half smile forms on my lips and by the look in her eyes she knows my mind is up to no good. I should tell her how angry I am, but each day with her is a blessing right now and I don’t want to ruin what few moments we have together.
“Just thinking about how beautiful you are, standing there holding our son.” Ryley’s cheeks turn a glorious shade of pink as she sets her forehead against EJ’s shoulder.
“I think you’re biased.”
I shrug. I know I’m not. She’s gorgeous and always has been. I’m not the only one who thinks this. “Doesn’t matter if I am, it’s the truth. I’m willing to bet your father gave you a similar compliment the first time he saw you holding EJ.”
Ryley walks toward me with EJ still in her arms. When she’s shoulder to shoulder with me, she pauses. “You’ve missed so much.” Her comment knocks me back and she doesn’t give me an opportunity to speak or defend myself.
I didn’t want to miss anything, but that freedom was ripped from me. My ability to choose to call home was taken as if I were a common criminal. Missing time in their lives was not a part of any plan of mine. I was doing my job.
I turn and watch her walk back up the beach with EJ still looking over at me. Deefur follows behind just like he’s supposed to. I’m sure there’s a reason why I missed everything and I’m going to figure it out. Whatever that reason is, I’ll never be able to make it up to Ryley and EJ. Nothing will ever bring back the time that was missed, the years and milestones.
It’s not just EJ or Ryley who have suffered from me being gone. I’ve suffered as well, but not nearly to the extent they have. Even though I had the pictures and letters, which were clearly forged, I still had something. They had nothing. My family was left with a box of my possessions and pictures of me. They were told to grieve and move on while I was fighting for some cause that I’m not even sure was valid.
The sand is hot and quickly sticks to my feet as I walk back toward our blanket. EJ is in front of Ryley building a sand castle, his shovel digging ferociously in the sand. I dodge a few flying clumps the closer I get to him.
“Can you help me, Eban?” I crouch down and move his hair out of his eyes.
“Let me talk to your mom for a minute and then I’ll be right here to help, okay?”
“K,” he says without making eye contact, far too busy with his masterpiece. I stay there, crouched down, and watch him for a moment before making my way to the blanket. Ryley closes her book when I sit down, pulling her knees to her chest. This is her way of protecting herself. I noticed this habit shortly after we started dating, but never thought anything of it until I told her I enlisted. That’s when it dawned on me that she’s putting up a wall -- one that I’ve taken down repeatedly and will do so again and again if need be.
“You know I can read you like an open book.”