“You don’t have to be sorry, Ryan. I told you to see her. I have no one to blame but myself.”
I pull her to me and hold her in my arms. I don’t know why I can’t be in love with her so deeply that she’s the only one I see. She’s perfect for me and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I don’t need perfect. I need crazy and wild. I need the opposite of who I am to keep me grounded.
Jessica pulls away, but stays close to me. “I didn’t want to watch you, but as soon as I saw her turn those fans away I knew she was changing for you.”
I nod because after watching Hadley do that, knowing what it could cost her, it showed me that she’s willing to make us work. “It’s not as simple as turning away some fans though. You know that my problems with her stem from her tours. She was always gone, and that’s not what I want out of life.”
“I know, but I also know you have a connection. You’ve been good to me, Ryan, the best, in some cases. You’re sweet, personable and very good-looking, but your heart belongs to another.”
I blush at her compliments and chide myself at same time. I don’t deserve them. “My heart belongs to you too and I don’t know what to do.”
“Ah, sounds like you’re in a pickle.”
I laugh hard at her baseball terminology, but she’s right. I have Jessica on one base and Hadley on another with me running in between them not sure which way I should go. The funny part, one would choose the safest route, and that would be Jessica, not Hadley.
I pick up her hand and hold it mine. “I don’t want to hurt you, Jessica. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I’m really off kilter here. I didn’t mean to kiss Hadley last night, but I also wouldn’t take it back.”
“I know, Ryan. I’m not blaming you. I knew when I told you to give her a chance that this could be the outcome. I’m not stupid, but I’m also not willing to be someone’s second best. With you, I was guaranteed to be second whether you thought that way or not. From the first day we met, you found a way to slip Hadley into the conversation. I don’t know if you were doing it subconsciously or what, but I never questioned your devotion to her.”
“She’s all I’ve known.”
“I know, and maybe you guys needed a year apart to figure out your lives. If I do remember correctly, she started performing at a young age and spent her teen years in a tour bus. She probably missed a lot of that growing up part.”
I nod because it’s true. Ian had her touring so much that she missed everything. Eventually, she started dating Cole until he cheated on her. She went through a very public break-up with him that caused a lot of untrue and very nasty rumors to surface.
“I’m going to make a decision for you, Ryan, because honestly I don’t think you know what you want. I’m going to break things off. If you can’t work things out with Hadley, give me a call. I know all your baggage and while my feelings may be hurt, when I commit to a man, I need to be his number one.”
Jessica stands, leaving me stunned by her words. Somehow I’m able to rise to my feet and walk her to the door. She sets my key, which is already off her keychain, on the hall table. She was going to break up with me today, regardless.
I pull her into my arms before she steps out into the hallway. “I’m sorry, Jessica.”
“I know, Ryan.”
I cup her face gently and place my lips to hers. The spark I thought I had with her is no longer there, and only images of Hadley flash behind my closed eyelids.
“Bye, Jessica.” She nods, but doesn’t say anything as she closes the door. I lean against the wall and slide down, holding my head in my hands. One would think I have a clear path to pursue Hadley, but I don’t. I’m not convinced that Hadley and I should be together or if we’ll even work. There are things that I want and need from her and vice versa.
I know we’re going to have to compromise, and for me it will mostly revolve around her touring. If we’re going to be together, things have to change. I won’t go back to how things were and New York isn’t an option.
I stand and walk over to my window, looking out over the street. It’s lined with cars; people are home for the weekend. There has to be something downtown that we can visit and be tourists together. I pull out my phone and call Hadley.
“Hey.”
“Want to be a tourist today?”
She giggles. “I am a tourist right now.”
“Meet me downtown in fifteen minutes. We’re going to go on the duck boat.” I don’t give her a chance to respond before hanging up. If we’re going to work, I need her to love Boston as much as I do.
Today should be one of the happiest days of my life. It’s a slight exaggeration but it’s supposed to be important, nonetheless. When Ryan called and asked me to be a tourist, I had far greater expectations than sitting in a public restroom puking my guts out. Who knew I got seasick? Definitely not Ryan or he wouldn’t have suggested this godforsaken duck tour.
We kissed the other night at the ballgame, but I’m not sure he meant to. Call it the heat of the moment, in the action and whatnot. His demeanor toward me has been lukewarm at best, and I know he’s just simply appeasing me until I decide to return to New York or restart my tour. He knows me too well.
I rinse my mouth with the tepid water from the faucet and drag myself out of the restroom. Ryan is standing against a tree, his legs crossed at his ankles and he’s looking at his phone. I’ve told myself that I can’t be jealous of his girlfriend. I put him i
n that situation, and it’s something I have to accept. I’m just incredibly thankful that he wants to spend time with me. I don’t deserve it.
My steps are staggered, and I feel like I’ve been run over by a diesel truck minus the tire treads. Ryan looks up and pockets his phone, his smile bright and welcoming. I wish that alone were enough to ease my stomach.