It feels good to not have to worry about what people think of me or us as we continue to stick our tongues out at each other. Mine is red, Katelyn’s is purple and Jenna’s is blue. We giggle and join arms to walk along the path as a trio, a solid unit of friendship.
That’s what we’ve been since Jenna arrived in Beaumont. She fit in right away, as if she had been a part of Katelyn and my life growing up. Jenna got our jokes, understood my plight with Liam, and was there when Mason died. She helped pick up the pieces and mold us all back together.
We reach our cabana, high on sugar and completely giddy. There are some guys swimming, and we ogle them. They did it to us yesterday, making us feel desired. Liam does that for me every day, sometimes multiple times, but there’s some inner satisfaction knowing I can still turn the head of a nice-looking man.
From our cabana, we can see the sunset. Aside from the different coloring of the sky, one would never know it’s night. The temperature hasn’t changed. It feels as nice as it did when we walked out here this morning.
In the pool, I hear the name Noah yelled. I quickly scan the area, looking for my son even though I know there isn’t any conceivable way that he would be here. It’s football season and the Portland Pioneers mean more to him than anything. Well, almost anything. I hate thinking that Dessie could mean more, but that’s where my mind is going.
I spot the couple, laughing and splashing each other. They seem happy and in love. But they’re young. I remember when I was ridiculously in love with Liam, back in high school. That love was different from what we share now. It was all consuming. He’s all I thought about from the time I woke until the time my brain rested. All day. Every day. I couldn’t get enough of him, and in hindsight, that’s why the breakup was so bad and one sided.
I was blinded by how I felt and couldn’t see what was in front of me. The love of my life was struggling, and not just at home. He had made a heartfelt decision to attend a school that Mason had been accepted. It was a school that didn’t need him and wouldn’t for a few years, but they recruited him nonetheless. Liam was following his best friend, and that backfired.
And I pushed him to go back. If I could do it all over again, if I could open that door and hold him, and not encourage him to call the coach, I wonder how my life would’ve been different.
Would Liam have taken me with him to California? He says he would’ve, but I don’t know. And what about Noah? If I could have told Liam I was pregnant that night, would he have stayed and raised our child, or would he have followed his heart that clearly led him to Los Angeles?
Over the years, I think about what his grandmother was like, and why she had such a powerful pull on him. Did he tell her about me before she died? Did she know that I would’ve done anything to support Liam in his endeavors, even though I didn’t come across that way to him? When we’re eighteen, we think we know everything. But looking back, I didn’t know shit. And I especially didn’t know how to be a mother.
“What should we do for dinner?” Katelyn asks.
“I almost gave Noah up for adoption,” I tell them, blurting it out like it’s common knowledge I need to remind my friends. No one knows this, except for Mason. I never told Katelyn out of fear she would judge me for not wanting my child. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him. I was scared the closer I got in my pregnancy.
Telling my parents that I was pregnant was the hardest thing I had ever done. Not because I thought they would be disappointed in me, but I had to tell them that Liam was gone. The rage my father flew into will never be erased from my mind. He threatened to go over to the Westburys and demand to speak to Liam, but I promised him I would go instead.
I did, and it was horrible. Sterling answered the door and I told him I needed to get in touch with Liam, that it was urgent that I speak with him. I was crying, unable to keep my emotions in check. Sterling told me he was happy Liam finally got rid of the trash. I blurted out I was pregnant. “The whore finally did it.” I will never, as long as I live, forget those words.
That was the time I thought about giving my child up for adoption. Deserted by its fathe
r and hated by its grandparents, everything felt hopeless.
When I told my mother my plan, she cried and asked me to be very sure of my decision. Thing is, I wasn’t. Deep down, I wanted this child, the one Liam and I created; I knew it had been made from love.
I cried to my mother, who held me tightly against her chest, promising me that everything would be okay. My parents, as much as they hated the idea that I was eighteen and pregnant, wanted me to keep the baby.
When the school counselor suggested I consider adoption, I knew I never would. It wasn’t for me. The baby growing inside of me was already loved.
“What?” Katelyn stammers. I keep my gaze on the young couple in the pool, mostly afraid to look at her. This is the one secret I’ve kept from her.
Taking a deep breath, I finally turn and glance at my two best friends. Tears well in my eyes and I cover them out of shame. Their arms are wrapped around me instantly. I don’t deserve their love, not right now.
“I thought it would be best for the baby if they didn’t grow up in Beaumont. I didn’t know what Sterling and Bianca would do when they saw me with the child out and about, and feared they would try to harm or take the baby away from me. I figured adoption would be best.”
“Did Mason know?” Katelyn asks. I nod my head. “I thought so,” she says. Katelyn clears her throat, and I turn to look at her.
“Mason went to Los Angeles to look for Liam,” I tell her.
“How did you know?” Katelyn asks.
I clear my throat, and try to smile. “It was in Sam’s journal. She talked about Mason waiting for Liam to show up. She also made sure Liam never got my phone message.”
“That woman was vile,” Jenna says.
I laugh. “You don’t know the half of it. We can’t prove it, but Liam and I are pretty sure she paid Alicia to drug Harrison.”
“Quinn’s mom?” Jenna asks.
“Biological mother,” Katelyn corrects her. “I’m his mother.” Katelyn is never one to shy away when asked if Quinn is her son, but bring up Alicia and she changes her tune. “That woman… I swear.”