With every breath – the love I have grows stronger.
Fuck distance.
Fuck life.
I hold the papers to my chest and let everything pour out of me at once. I’m an idiot for doubting him, for thinking that he wasn’t being honest with me. We have a good life and I almost let the pain I feel from not having him here with me ruin us.
“No more,” I say to a room full of memories. “Sam can’t hurt me anymore.”
I won’t allow it.
I start picking everything up, leaving his grandparents’ box for last. I want to talk to him about it, bring their stuff into our lives. We should be celebrating their lives, even if she’s the one who pulled him away from me.
No, that’s not true. Liam would’ve left regardless. Betty just guided him on his journey.
Finally, her name and beautiful face appear on my screen. I excuse myself from the conversation between Harrison, JD, Layla and Burke – Metro’s long-standing bass player and doorman – and walk to the greenroom.
“Hello?” My voice is a breathy sigh, full of relief. Knowing she’s on the other line calms me.
“I’m sorry I disappeared on you. I have no excuse other than I miss you.”
“I miss you too, Jojo.” Her words give me pause. I know she’s stressing about the baby coming while I’m gone and the best that I can do is promise her I’ll be home. Or maybe once he’s arrived, she can come out here. Noah won’t be done with school yet, but Nick would watch him while Josie visits with the baby.
“So anyway, how are things there?”
“Are you okay?” I ask instead of answering her question. There’s something off in her voice and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned. Without a doubt she’s my number one priority, even if I’m not showing it right now.
“I’m good. I’m just really tired.”
I laugh, hoping to diffuse the tension I’m feeling over the phone. “Have you been out partying already? You girls shutting down Ralph’s at night?” I pray she says yes because the alternative in my mind is that she’s been crying her eyes out since I left. I don’t know what I’ll do if she says that. My options are limited unless she wants to come out here. Logically, I could quit the band, but I won’t do that to Harrison and JD. And I think she knows that.
“No, nothing like that. Sleepless nights. No one to cuddle next to and your pillow no longer smells like you. I’ve taken to wearing a few of your shirts that were left.”
The thought of her curled up in my shirt brings a smile to my face. “Would you like me to send you one tomorrow?”
“Yes,” she says without hesitation. The only thing missing is her laugh. I really need to hear her giggle because then I’ll know everything’s okay.
“I love you, Jojo.”
“I love you, Liam. Tell me about LA. Do you remember the time that I was there?”
My groin stirs at the recollection of her in a red dress. The valley of her breasts was exposed, begging for me to mark her as mine. I had to do everything in my power not to cross the line and by line I mean taking her to bed to make her scream my name.
“I’ll never forget that night. I wanted you so badly and not just in my bed, but in my life. I wanted to see how you fit here. There were so many times when I’d stand at the window and imagine you down on the street. I’d look for you in the crowds at a concert. I always said that if I saw you, I’d never let you go until you told me to.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
I shrug, even though she can’t see it. Taking a deep breath, I prepare to start spilling my guts. “I bottle shit up, you know this. I wish I didn’t, but sometimes it’s easier. Right now, I’m second-guessing myself as a husband, a father and a musician. I want to be home with you and Noah, but I want to be here as well. I’m trying to find a happy medium, but I don’t know what that is. When I was here before, you were on my mind every single day. Songs have been written about you, repeatedly, and that was never enough. It’s like I’m torn in two, Josie. The Page/Westbury parts are fighting for dominance and I honestly don’t know which side is going to win.”
“You’re a wonderful father and an amazing husband. You’re the husband I thought you’d be, the only difference is there’s no football, and that’s okay because that means no injuries, no free agency, no one talking about how old you are. You’re successful and have worked hard to gain what you have, what you give Noah and I. I don’t want you to change, Liam.”
She pauses, catching her breath. I can tell from her v
oice she’s been crying and even though she’s assured me nothing’s wrong, I know she’s not being honest with me.
“I want you to be who you want to be. Noah and I will support you no matter what.”
Her words trigger a wave of relief within me. Suddenly I feel ten pounds lighter. “You’re too good for me, you know that right?”